Your Tax Dollars At Work

                                               Image by Liselotte Brunner from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing on a decently sized computer monitor recommended for maximum enjoyment.

Note: If ya click on an Amazon ad, thus opening a portal to Amazon, and buy anything, Lord Bezos will toss me a few pence in my direction and you won't have to feel guilty about enjoying my work — well, hopefully — for free. Win/Win.

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery." 

                                                                                          -Calvin Coolidge 

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

According to Merriam-Webster...

Boondoggle: a wasteful or impractical project or activity often involving graft. 

California's train to nowhere — full disclosure, the preceding and following italicized phrases have been used by all sorts of writers in the know whose articles have preceded this one — is the very definition of a boondoggle.  

The nation that built a transcontinental railroad (6 years) and landed a man (twelve of 'em in fact) on the moon (8 years) can't build a railroad from here to there in California.

What follows is the Crank's Digest version of the story. The full story would require a column of at least 10,000 words. I'm a rabid reader and current events freak but even I wouldn't be interested in reading such a column, much less writing one. 

I suspect the only thing it would be good for is as a sleep aid. 

[Wait-wait-wait. Why are you writing about the train to nowhere at all? Is that still a thing? If I remember correctly Governor Moonbeam was the one that got the ball, if not an actual train rolling, back in, lemme think, musta been...]

It's still a thing. Apparently, it's harder to kill than Covid in a New York nursing home. 

Jerry Brown, who ran California for two consecutive terms, twice, and an extremely fortunate man in that he was romantically linked to Linda Ronstadt back in the day — ironically considered to be a fiscal conservative at the time — signed legislation authorizing the money to study building a high-speed rail system in the Sunshine State in 1982. 

California's been trying to build a local railroad for 38 years. 

They've been at it for so long there's a Wikipedia entry entitled History of California High-Speed Rail. It's a very long entry. 

[You're using the word entitled incorrectly, it should be titled. I would've thought that...]

I'm fully aware of that but I'm invoking my poetic license. If I were king and/or the Earth was less hostile to gentlepersons...

[Gimme a break.]  

If the Peoples Republic of California should actually manage to complete the latest drastically dumb downed-version of The Never-Ending Public Works Project (currently scheduled for 2029) I propose it should be called the Jerry Brown Sorta/Kinda High-Speed Railroad.

Here's hoping Mr. Brown, who would be 91 years old, is still around and gets to pound in the last (gold foil-wrapped) spike at the opening ceremony — assuming he could lift a sledgehammer). 

[Perhaps they could use a Nerf-spike and a Nerfhammer. Um, listen, you've been at this for a while now, and, well, what happened to a Cranky's Digest version of this dispiriting tale of American wussification.]

Having just reread the Wikipedia entry referenced above and reviewed my other exhaustive research I'm so dispirited I've decided to wrap this baby up and inventory the liquor cabinet. 

[You don't have a liquor cabinet...]

Yes, but I do have a poetic license, remember?

It depends on who you ask but as best as I can tell The Fedrl Gummit and the gummit of California have, so far, spent more than $6,000,000,000. 

Former President Obama pledged to contribute $3,500,000,000 of other people's money as part of his efforts to blunt the effects of the Great Recession, but the Donald issued a stop payment order on the last billion or so and has asked for a 2.5 billion refund given that no track has actually been laid.

 

California's legislature has gone to war with the state gummit agency that refuses to stop spending other people's money on a railroad that has laid no track. 

While there's no use crying over spent money, I'd like to propose that The Fedrl Gummit hold a lottery and give away the billion bucks. Print the name of each state on a ping-pong ball, put 'em all in a big red, white, and blue sack and have Miss Ms. America...

[Do we still have a Miss Ms. America?] 

And have him/her/them reach in and pull out a winner. The winning state will divvy up the money equally among its citizens in lieu of the stimulus checks that we've been mentally spending for months now that have yet to leave the Swamp.

"The checks are in the mail! Or at least they will be if Orange Hitler stops screwing around and gets out of my our way." Nancy Pelosi 

[Fake news! You made that up!]

Yeah, but it's still true.

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with PayPal or plastic.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.

  

       

   

In The Event of My Death

                                                 Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"Millions long for Immortality who don't what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. -Susan Ertz

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

My late wife, Ronbo, was one of those odd sorts of people that in spite of the fact that logic, reason, and (shudder) "lived experience" clearly demonstrate that the glass is half empty, consistently maintained that it was half full. 

"Well, that sucks, but look on the bright side..."

"What if there is no bright side" was my standard response. 

"There's always a bright side, you just have to look for it."

Although she never succeeded in converting me to a Half Fuller we did agree on a compromise position: it could always be worse. While I've made it clear that I wish to be cremated and that I want 99% of my ashes used as fertilizer or compost I've occasionally reconsidered.

It would be extremely cool to have a modest headstone that said:

                                            Marcus Mehlmar

                                         (Mark E. Mehlmauer)

                                      8/26/53 - 8/28/2054

                                    

                                     It Could Have Been Worse

Ronbo, a.k.a. Ronnie (not another nickname, she was named after her uncle Ronnie), who's currently residing in an urn in my living room although she's supposed to be residing in Lake Erie (sorry, Ronbo, we'll get to it...) could be next to me. 

                                          Ronnie L. Mehlmauer

                                          1/6/52 - 1/8/2006

                                           This was only a test

[(Shudder)? Lived experience? 99% of your ashes? This was only a test?]

Thanks for asking, my hallucinatory but charming literary device. Permit me to explain.

The phrase lived experience, as some of our society's more delicate flowers nowadays would put it, triggers me. 

While my fellow Deplorables and I were preoccupied with surviving and assisting our progeny in doing the same, the Wokies were spreading the intellectual virus that is the cult of Wokism on America's college campuses. 

It spread remarkably rapidly. Primary and high schools, the media, Hollywood, and HR departments were devastated by this pernicious pandemic.

The formerly harmless phrase lived experience has been weaponized. It now means, don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up. That is to say, debate/reason/logic/etceteric are tools the Pasty Patriarchy employs to dominate and suppress... well, everyone.

"I don't care what reactionary right-wingers say, I'm a victim, and penis or not, my lived experience is that in my heart of hearts I'm a woman, so I should be allowed to compete against biologically female athletes."

[Feel better now?]  

In fact, I do.  

As to wanting 99% of my ashes used for compost or fertilizer, that's simply my way of saying thanks to the planet I lived on/kept me fed for 101 years. "Thanks for all the food and beautiful flora. Please recycle me to help maintain the system now that I'm gone."

[Okay, but what about the other 1%?]

Well, actually, I'm referring to what would amount to a mere pinch of the former me. I would like said pinch to be added to the contents of a large joint and passed around and smoked by whoever would care to take a hit on me. 

Inhaling is strongly encouraged but merely going through the motions by those who can't or won't is acceptable. 

[Why on Earth do you...]

Potheads, current and former ones like myself, will understand. Those with addiction issues (be honest, you know who you are...) are encouraged to raise the joint like they're making a toast, say something nice (but mean is okay too, as long as it's funny), and then pass it on. 

[But why...]           

Because for a minute or two, and although I regret it (Well... mostly. Me, Fred I., Ron P., John H., and especially Alexsandra B., did have a helluva lotta fun), weed was quite important to me at one time. 

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test.

Ronnie Lee — Six, then Oesch, and finally, Mehlmauer — was a preemie who was given oxygen to help her breathe because of underdeveloped lungs. Too much oxygen is as harmful as not enough for preemies and Ronnie was given too much.

Thus began a lifetime of slowly but steadily ever-worsening health problems. The road to hell can be accidentally paved with good intentions.    

In spite of the fact she wasn't supposed to live past the age of __ (the year kept shifting as she kept getting older in spite of the judgments of experts) she lived for 54 years and two days.  

In spite of the fact she was told she couldn't have any kids she had one anyway and thus the Stickies came to be.

When she had a near-death experience she was brought up short of where the light seemed to be taking her and a voice told her it wasn't her time. "Go back, love God, and help others." She took her marching orders literally as many can attest. 

For obvious reasons, we probably talked about death more than most couples. Because she was who she was Ronbo thought that This Was Only a Test was an appropriate epitaph.

[The title of this column would seem to indicate this was supposed to have been about...] 

They don't call me the garrulous geezer for nothin'. Besides, didn't you read my tombstone? I'm not going to die till 2054 so what's the hurry?

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with PayPal or plastic.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.

   

 

  

   

 

Grey Text and a Very Grey Politician

                                              Photo by Bernard Hermant on Unsplash

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"This is why LGBT people of color don’t really trust the white gays. Yes, I said what I said. Period." -Charles Blow (New York Times columnist commenting on the estimate that 28% of LGBT people voted for Trump)

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Being a world-class web surfer ain't easy. My late wife used to occasionally call me Johnny Five. "Need Input!" 

Attempting to upload enough knowledge to make sense of the world and live a full and virtuous life shaped by love and intelligence requires commitment.

Question: Are easily readable websites too much to ask for?

Given that traditional books published in the dead trees format have a long and storied history of using clean and clear easily readable text so as to make them easy to read, shouldn't the he/she/them behind a given website be aware of this proven concept?

Given that the Goog has dumbed down its motto, Don't Be Evil, but still generates uncluttered, easy to read (if not necessarily easy to understand...) company websites, shouldn't the he/she/them behind a given website... etc.    

[Johnny Five? Need Input? What's with the 80s movie reference?]      

I'm trying to relate to a younger audience. Hmm... I wonder if I could find a justification for inserting a clip from Back to the Future?

[The 80s ended thirty years ago, grandpa.]

Are you sure? Just kidding. I'm talking about the 80s because that's when the web took off and cool and cutting edge started crowding out clean and clear. 

[The web was a 90s thing.]

Are you sure? Just kidding. Regardless, lighter and lighter shades of grey text now turn up all over the place. Two or three times a year, after being triggered by struggling to read grey text on some website, I go a-googlin' in search of fresh justification but the answers are always the same. Bottom line: cool and cutting edge (which in certain circles apparently means grey type) trumps clarity.

I take no comfort from the fact that my exhaustive research reveals that many people agree with me. I was more or less cool, occasionally even hip, for a couple of minutes and I know that part of the fun is looking down on/ignoring the uncool masses so I don't expect anything to change anytime soon. 

[When were you cool, in the 80s?] 

From September 1965 till June of 1984 (a long story that's included in my memoirs). I've been battling anachronisity ever since. 

[You've put it off long enough. Let's get this over with.]

Heavy sigh...

I'm writing this, this particular paragraph, on Wednesday, 11/4/20. The Citizens of the Republic have cast their ballots but the endless election and the endless coverage, chaos, and controversy continue. 

If I'm elected king (I remain cautiously optimistic) I shall decree that in-person voting shall begin on Monday of the week prior to "the Tuesday next after the first Monday in the month of November." 

Absentee ballots will not be available till the first of October and must be received by the Monday mentioned above. Postmark be damned. Absentee voting is only permitted for a narrowly defined subset of voters who can't vote in person.

All states must have a system in place to count, verify, and submit (at the latest) all votes by noon of the day after the actual election. Any leftover, unprocessed votes will then be destroyed.

That's it. No Exceptions. No more bullpoop. 

A nation that put men on the moon and _________, (insert your favorite accomplishment here) can surely conduct a quick, clean election in the country that can boast of having the world's oldest continuous democracy.   

Thursday morning. The states are still counting and lawsuits are being filed. 

Hoo-Boy...

   

Friday morning. The states are still counting and lawsuits are being filed. 

At the moment it's looking more and more like Uncle Joe may win. If so, I wish him luck. Having demonstrated, for almost 50 years, that he's a man of um, great flexibility, perhaps happy, malarky-free days are here again.

I wish the nation luck as well. Here's hoping that if Uncle Joe wins he manages to keep it together, physically and mentally, for four years. A simple twist of fate and the leader of the free world will be a giggling San Francisco progressive.

Regardless, with a bit of luck, the Repubs will hang on to the Senate. Divided government, when both parties suck sweaty socks, (insert Martha Stewart voice clip, here) is a good thing. 

Surely, given that the pollsters were wrong yet again, that Al Sharpton is incensed because the Donald's share of the Black vote has risen yet again, that AOC is incensed because so many Latinos voted for the Donald yet again, that...

[All right already!]   

I was just going to point out that perhaps the Citizens of the Republic, the majority of us anyway, aren't as actually divided as the Wokies claim we are/want us to be. Yes, Martha, that's also a good thing. 

Saturday morning. The states are still counting and...

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.   

Halloween 2020

A Mr. Cranky's Neighborhood Episode 

                                           Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night.
Good Lord, deliver us!" -Depends on who you ask...

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

We're having a perfect fall here in my little corner of Flyoverland. 

Whatever combination of weather conditions that are necessary to produce optimal leaf coloring have apparently occurred and my twice-daily brisk walks around the neighborhood to avoid having to engage in more serious forms of exercise are in technicolor. 

[You're fortunate enough to live in a neighborhood chockablock with stately old trees and you don't know why they...]

I did, Dana, but I can't remember. 

[You're writing this on a computer, why don't you just open a new tab and look it up?]

Because I wouldn't remember why for more than a minute or two because I'm... moderately old. The good news is that getting old provides clarity as far as what details are worth going out of one's way to remember. Given that details are literally infinite and our memories are not this is quite useful. 

This is quite useful because being as present and wide open as possible to whatever I'm experiencing here and now is much more important than sweating the details... or even making sure I take a picture with my phone.  

[I guess... It must be a geezer/geezerette/geezem thing.]

Actually, it's a sexy senior citizen thing. 

While admittedly I'd be unlikely to go to a Halloween party even if we weren't still battling the Wuhan Flu, or march in Hooterville's legendary Halloween parade even if it hadn't been canceled, I've had a great idea for a costume that would be quite easy to put together. 

I'd rent or borrow (can you rent a regular suit?) whatever sort of suit is currently favored by the lobbyists that infest the Swamp that included a bright red "power tie" of the sort favored by the Donald. 

What makes a power tie a power tie anyway? I've never understood the concept. Hang on a sec', I'll be right back...

Okay, according to Balani Custom Clothiers, "It's called the power tie for a reason, and by wearing a red tie you are implying you mean business. Just like Tiger Woods wears a red shirt to convey dominance, the red tie is a reaffirmation of strength, authority, and dominance within the professional world." 

Good to know. Hmm... I wonder if the name Tiger Woods is a carefully considered aspect of Mr. Woods shtick. Tiger of the woods as in golf clubs and/or tiger from the woods as in, well, a tiger from the woods.

[Ahem...]

Anyways, I'd also wear a large, tacky tie tack fashioned to look like a dollar sign and prominently display a large, gold-trimmed crack pipe in my vest pocket. I'd carry a large green shopping bag with the following printed in gold letters on both sides. 

                                      Hunter (Biden) the Gatherer

                                       "You ain't seen nothin' yet"

                                              Cash preferred 

[You should be ashamed for spreading Russian dissinformation. Besides, other than smoking a little crack, nothing he did was technically (that we know of, at least not yet) illegal and he never told his dad... unless he did. And even if he did his dad probably doesn't remember.]  

Two points of information for my dear gentlereaders. A tip o' the hat to Scott Adams for Hunter (Biden) Gatherer.  

Also, if you're saying to yourself, "I don't get it," you're either indifferent to current politics, are not entirely unwisely trying to be indifferent to current politics, or are living in an efficiency apartment in the information silo on the left side of the barn. 

I mentioned in a column about Halloween 2019 that Halloween lights, which didn't exist when I was a kid, had popped up here and there. I'm delighted to report that there are more of 'em this year. I think it's an anti-plague and Purple Press perpetually promoted political polarization countermeasure. 

Not only that, it appears that the number of households that have decorated for Halloween, which has been in a slump, is up this year. For whatever reason, there appears to be a record amount of jack-o'-lanterns, real ones, on display. 

The Stickies went all out this year, unfortunately/fortunately, they went all out early. The pumpkins are rotting, the faux cobwebgraphy is looking somewhat bedraggled, and the scarecrow with a Frankenstein-like face has a pronounced posture problem that makes him look like he's overdosing on fentanyl.

[Unfortunately/fortunately?]  

Well, when the light is just right, the deteriorated display looks quite menacing.

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet. 

 

It’s called the power tie for a reason, and by wearing a red tie you are implying that you mean business.  Just like Tiger Woods wears a red shirt to convey dominance, the red tie is a reaffirmation of strength, authority dominance within the professional world.

Vote For the Narcissistic A-hole ⸺ It's Important

                                                    Image by kalhh from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"Corruption is a cancer: a cancer that eats away at a citizen's faith in democracy..." -Joe Biden

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

In my semi-humble opinion, Donald J. Trump is a narcissistic arsehole. 

However, since I've been unable to secure a commitment from a dissatisfied, high ranking general or two to provide me with enough troops to execute a soft coup, I'm voting for the Donald. In fact, I already did. 

[Wait-wait-wait. Didn't you formally endorse the Harris/Biden ticket?]

I did, and I stand by my endorsement. After all, the reason for my endorsement was personal safety. Anyone that reads my column can easily deduce I'm a man of the right who used to be a libertarian with conservative impulses that has evolved into a conservative with libertarian impulses. 

We all have to grow up eventually.  

To the best of my knowledge, there are no high profile seemingly rational, well respected public figures (or even actors) of the right calling for dusting off the guillotines if the Orange one is not reelected.

From Robert Reich, former Secretary of Labor, current professor at UC Berkley, and prolific Democratic talking head:

"When this nightmare is over, we need a Truth and Reconciliation Commission. It would erase Trump’s lies, comfort those who have been harmed by his hatefulness, and name every official, politician, executive, and media mogul whose greed and cowardice enabled this catastrophe." 

Tweet! Tweet! 

Nor, to the best of my knowledge, are there any high profile seemingly rational, well respected public figures (or even actors) of the right calling for dusting off the guillotines if the Orange one is reelected.  

Former Secretary of State John Kerry has stated that another electoral victory by the Donald could provoke a revolution in the United States.

Dana executes a not half bad imitation of a chicken clucking and says: 

[I think you'll be okay given that your writing career is not quite the stuff of legend. Given that you could vote libertarian like you did last time, why did you vote for the Donald if you think he's a narcissistic a-hole?] 

That was a protest vote. The Hilliam are even more corrupt than Uncle Joe and Hunter the Gatherer, or at least better at it. Also, I thought the Donald was as surprised by his nomination as I was (and as surprised again when he was elected president).

[Wait a sec', now that I think about it you haven't mentioned anything about why you have such a low opinion of the Donald.] 

Where to begin? Trophy wives, the fact that his primary business focus for the last several years involved selling the sizzle, not the actual steak, "Grab 'em by the pussy," the... listen, the absurd hairdo and the orange-tinted skin speak volumes. 

The primary reason I don't like him was the long line of small contractors that stepped up to say that this "big guy" was infamous for stiffing the little guys when the bill came due. Because he could.  

Being a former small — make that tiny — business owner, I took that personally.  

However...   

Prior to the plague, we enjoyed three solid years of economic growth despite the previous administration (which, as you may remember, included uncle Joe) telling us for eight solid years that the party was over. 

Everybody out of the pool. From now on it's tepid economic growth and "leading from behind." Jimmy Carter Malaise had returned.

But then the Donald, while distracting the Purple Press with his absurd tweets, cut taxes and regulations, freed the frackers (= cleaner air + lower energy prices), stood up to China, reduced illegal immigration, and reignited the economy. 

Oh, and with the help of Jared Kushner, his thirty-something son-in-law, passed a prison reform bill and accomplished more for peace in the Middle East than the above mentioned John Kerry could even dream of.    

[Well, maybe, but since the plague hit he's...]

We're not going there, Dana, it's still half time (HT: Scott Adams). The legion of "experts" constantly contradicting each other while regularly changing their tunes and a Purple Press that prefers sensationalism to clarity has left me dazed and confused. 

My fingers are crossed and I've noticed Crafty Kamala and Uncle Joe have proposed nothing new. 

Look, I don't like what the Republican party has devolved into any more than I like what the Democratic party has devolved into. But Uncle Joe served as VP for eight years while the economy sputtered and race relations deteriorated in spite of the fact we had a black president. 

Biden is still claiming that he got into the race to save us from Trump the evil racist in spite of the fact that the "fine people hoax" he never gets tired of spreading was/is, indeed, a hoax.

Biden doesn't seem to have a problem with Swamp's way of doing things as long as it's his kid that's hip-deep in the putrid water while Uncle Joe maintains semi-plausible deniability from his basement.

Finally, given that there's a better than average chance Crafty Kamala will wind up behind the desk in the oval office I'm sticking with the devil I know.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

P.S. If you've never heard the name (Lt.) Tony Bobilinski you should Google it immediately. You will easily confirm that Uncle Joe (a.k.a. the big guy) is as corrupt as the Purple Press Corps that guards the walls of the Swamp. 

                                                *       *       *

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.   

   

Users

                                 Larry and Sergey and Eric — Oh My!

                                 Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"When I showed up, I thought this was the stupidest rule ever, because there's no book about evil except maybe, you know, the Bible or something." -Eric Schmidt, former chairman/CEO of the Goog — now a (technically) married international playboy — commenting on the Goog's now-defunct rule, Don't be evil  

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Recently, noticing a marked increase in advertising when I'm watching YouTube I decided to complain — not that I expected this would accomplish anything beyond making me feel better for a half a minute or so. 

[Are you aware that for 12 bucks a month YouTube will supply you with unlimited, ad-free content?]

Well, yeah, but...

[Are you aware of the fact that the H. sapiens that provide YouTubes content get a cut of the advertising revenue and/or a cut from the subscription fee?]

Well, yeah, but...

[And I know for a fact you're aware that a lot of content providers post content out of love for said content, or are just trying to promote their own creative efforts and don't expect to make any money from YouTube.]

I will not only stipulate to all of the above I will admit that I could write an entire column devoted to everything I love about YouTube. 

After all, it's not only possible to watch cute kitty videos, it's also possible to pull up talks by and interviews of scientists and public intellectuals in every field, as well as the music of musical giants in every genre, living and dead.

[Geez... So what's your problem, Sparky?]   

The Goog's contempt for "users." 

"There are only two industries that call their customers 'users': illegal drugs and software." -Edward Tufte

Now, just for fun, imagine some old geezer watching/listening to Coffee With Scott Adams which is usually about an hour-long with a new episode available every day.

Our hero is in the midst of a series of physical therapist prescribed exercises to relieve his spinal stenosis, as well as some other exercises, while listening to Mr. Adam's observations on life in these United States (HT: Reader's Digest) at a playback speed of 1.25 or even 1.5 as Mr. Adam's tends to ramble. 

Imagine our hero's reaction when he's lying on his back and for whatever algorithmically determined reason, the adverts are coming more frequently and are longer than usual and he doesn't want to keep getting up to click through them. 

[Imagine that our cowardly "hero" keeps postponing back surgery because of all the people he knows that back surgery did nothing for, or even made worse, and who's too cheap to pay for ad-free YouTube.]    

Imagine our hero, who worked full-time mostly at physically demanding jobs for 45 years or so and is scraping by on an embarrassingly humble fixed income decides that for the very first time he's going to complain to YouTube. 

YouTube, if you're unaware, is owned by (insert ominous music here) — the Goog. 

It can't be done. 

[Wait-wait-wait. I know for a fact you went looking and there are all sorts of ways to complain about...]

Only the sorts of things the Goog permits you to complain about. Try it my dear gentlereaders. You'll be shunted into categories of the Goog's choosing and none of these categories will enable you to complain about too much advertising. 

[You know... Given your, um, advancing age, and the fact that you have little patience for what amounts to having to take a class to accomplish...]

What should be simple to accomplish...

[Perhaps, um, it's you, and...]

I repeat, what  should  be  simple  to  accomplish. 

Particularly in light of the fact that I'm old enough to know there's no such thing as a free lunch, that I'm the product, and that the Goog gets a little richer and more powerful every day by peering over my shoulder and selling my, nay everyone's data, to the highest bidder.

[Nay?] 

Yea. 

[Are you done? Do you feel better yet?]  

I do feel a little better, yes, but not having hit my word limit yet I'm not quite done. 

On an unrelated note...

America, the Harris/Biden campaign is refusing to answer an existentially important question. If elected, and if they can persuade our corrupt and dysfunctional Congress to go along, are they prepared to destroy the Republic?

[Destroy the Republic? All they're saying is that it's not fair, due to historical serendipitousness, that we might soon have a Supreme Court top-heavy with sticks in the mud that insist on interpreting the constitution literally instead of creatively so...] 

So that if Krafty Kamala/Uncle Joe is in charge and the Dems get control of the Senate they can appoint as many like-minded Supremes with lifetime appointments as needed to create a mini House of Lords to save us from ourselves. 

[Well, there's nothing in that moldy old constitution that says they can't so...]

So the hell with that pesky checks and balances thing, the end justifies the means, right? What's the worst that could happen?

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Free bonus content! Quotations from Chairman Eric. Sample: "I actually think most people don't want Google to answer their questions. They want Google to tell them what they should be doing next."

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.