I have a fondness for words that I've either stumbled on, created, or distorted that may not be available in your favorite dictionary.

Whenever I update this page I notice that some of the words and phrases listed here have retired and are living in the Villages in Florida. I've left most of them in place for possible future use or if I just like the word or its definition and commentary 'cause that's how I roll.

Regularly updated once in a great while.

39: 39 is the new __. Hey, it worked for Jack Benny.

Absabalutely: Absolutely squared. Coined by my first grandkid, Dude

Anyways: I know, officer, it should be anyway. However, anyways, used correctly, contains subtle shadings not available to mere anyway. There are three possible ways to deploy the word anyway: anyway, anyways, and anyways... 

Anyways, trying to explain the difference would require a grammerish treatise that might trigger memories of learning grammar via formal education and discussions/dissections of a given literary work which would resurrect traumas I'd just as soon leave in the past. 

Watching the best television show ever made, David Milch's Deadwood, provides an enjoyable way to master the subtle shadings involved. 

Bafflegab: Invented by Milton A. Smith in 1952, it refers to bureaucratic gobbledygook. Mr. Smith's full definition is multiloquence characterized by consummate interfusion of circumlocution or periphrasis, inscrutability, and other familiar manifestations of abstruse expatiation commonly utilized for promulgations implementing Procrustean determinations by governmental bodies — to which I would add — and certain alleged scholars and philosophers.

Bigfeets: Plural of Bigfoot, a legendary creature that exists in the minds of people that are fans of a certain late-night radio show, and the people who make a living from it. In my world, it serves two purposes. First, just the sound of it is funny. Second, it's an all-purpose word for individuals that may be more high-functioning chimpanzees than H. sapiens. 

Hey, it's just occurred to me that we're all homos. If you're gay please feel free to use the expression on protest signs or banners at gay pride parades. Suggested wording: We're All Homo (sapiens)!

Black&White Ages: The world prior to roughly1965 (when the tot was tossed out with the Jacuzzi water). This phrase developed out of my habit (now abandoned) of occasionally referring to my kid and callowyute periods as the Dark Ages. That is to say, the recognition that to the Stickies, or my daughter and son-in-law for that matter, any period of my life that occurred before they were born might seem like ancient history. 

When my daughter was very young she refused to watch anything filmed in black and white, before God invented color. From her perspective it was not only old, and probably irrelevant, it looked old and probably irrelevant.

It also handily illustrates my contention that the age we're currently living in began, more or less, in 1965. This was roughly when, in the USA at least, the cultural consensus — many of us viewing many things in a black-and-white sort of way — began fragmenting.

Bonkercockie: Bonkercockie means the same as BS, at least in my world. If you google it you will discover the inventor attributes other meanings to it as well.

Callowyutes: Combination of the word callow, which according to Merriam-Webster is a "young person who does not have much experience and does not know how to behave the way grownups grups behave" — and yutes. Yutes is how Vinny pronounces the word youths in "My Cousin Vinny."

Citizen(s) of the Republic: Serves to remind my gentlereaders that America, fortunately, is not a democracy. America is a democratic republic. This will remain (mostly) unchanged once I'm crowned king. 

Coinkydink: Word the cool kids use instead of coincidence 

Crapstorm: This means what you probably think it does. Alternative expression: when the excrement hits the air conditioning/climate control system.

Dana: Dana, My imaginary gentlereader and charming literary device, peers over my shoulder and reminds me to write for real people that live in the real world. 

Dick-tater: Updated version of dictator that more accurately expresses the nature of the species.

Dilettante: Me, before I was promoted to Multipotentialite.

Dizzinformation Age: I firmly maintain that it's not actually the Information Age.

Dizzinformation Syndrome: Dizzinformation Syndrome is extreme dizziness resulting from too much information — correct, incorrect, or worst of all, contradictory — and which may result in a mild to a debilitating case of Uh-huh! Nuh-uh! disease if left untreated.   

Donald, the: Former president of the United States of America.

Emperor Xi: Current dicktater of the Middle Kingdom. Also called Xi Dada.  

Enlightened Infotainment: To paraphrase me (humor me, it's not as if anyone is going around quoting me) the current, apparently highly popular, practice of talking heads yelling at each other on TV, or everyone yelling at everyone else via social media is not enlightened discussion, it's lowest common denominator infotainment

This column strives to provide enlightened infotainment.

Feck: From Sentence First: "To feck something in Hiberno-English generally means to steal it or to throw it, often impatiently or casually: she fecked the orange peel out the car window. Also, "Feck is family-friendly... As expletives go, it has a playful, unserious feel.

Nowadays feck is commonly used as a "minced oath," a dumbed-down version of a certain family unfriendly cuss word. "Often colocates with eejit, hell, gobshite, or some such insult."

Bottom line: It's a much more lyrical, gentle version of the F-bomb, which is still shocking and tacky to some and has lost much of its power due to rampant overuse by many.

GFBL: Gut first, brain later. A phrase that neatly sums up, and vastly oversimplifies, a concept promulgated by several scientific disciplines that Homo sapiens react instinctively/intuitively/automatically/etceterally first and rationally (hopefully) later. I claim credit/blame for this one — the acronym and the phrase, not the concept.

Geez: An etymological and semanticological nightmare. Short for golly gee whiz. No longer short for what you might think it is by order of King Crank the first. An alternative form is geesh (HT: Gloria A.).

Gentlereader(s): Gentle reader is an archaic literary convention used by authors in the past when they wished to address a reader directly. Having fallen out of favor, I've hijacked it and turned it into one word. Gentlepersons are gentlemen and gentlewomen who...well, you know who you are/they are and this has nothing to do with one's social or economic standing. 

Global Whining: The postmodern tendency of myriad individuals and groups who see themselves as victims of one sort or another and/or who identify with various and sundry causes and ideologies with the fervor of religious fanatics to excessive bloviation.

Goog, theAny and all divisions of the multinational conglomerate Alphabet Inc. Also occasionally used to refer to Big Tech as a whole. The Goog owns Blogger, the software that I use to write and publish this column, and who could disappear me at their leisure. 

Grups: Grownups. Stolen Borrowed from "Miri," an episode from the first season of the original Star Trek guest-starring Kim Darby with whom I didn't have an affair in the 70s.

Gummits: State and local government entities in the United States.

HT: Abbreviation for 'hat tip.' Frequently used in blog postings to indicate the gratitude of the poster towards someone who drew his/her/their attention to, or provided him/her/them with, information relevant to the post. 

Have an OK Day: This is from a post titled When When I'm the King of America that explains why I prefer OK days to nice days.

He/She/They (or Him/Her/Them etc.): As a cultural commentator, one should not be reluctant to take a firm stand in the pronoun wars, given that tribalism has made a strong comeback here in the Republic of late. Being a member of the Smartass tribe I believe one should never miss a chance at poking gentle fun at Wokies.     

Hi-LAR-ious: A variation of hilarious implying sarcasm. That is to say, not actually amusing. Pronunciation is flexible as long as you over-accent the second syllable. Most effective when rendered in singsong (HT: BR).

Hilliam, the: See Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy 

Hoo-Boy: If you were to go a-googling in search of this phrase you'd be unlikely to find the inspiration for my usage. I use it the same way Mensch, the hero of one of my favorite comic strips, The Small Society (1966 - 1999), used it. It's context-dependent but if the phrase — oh boy — used anabolic steroids and was no longer capable of being used as an expression of delight it would be, Hoo-Boy... (capitalization, a hyphen, and frequent use of an ellipsis are personal idiosyncrasies).

Hooge: Years before Sir Bernard the Red (Bernie Sanders) — thanks to the semi-immortal Larry David — became known for his personal rendering of the word huge, the BR hat tipped in a previous entry was pronouncing it as, hooge.

Hooplehead: Uncertain etymology. Used by David Milch, in the best TV show of all time, Deadwood, to mean fool, dope, hick, sucker, etc. I extend the definition to include the terminally uncool and the hopelessly clueless.

H. Sapien: I know, I know...there's no such word. It should be H. Sapienbecause sapiens is an adjective or present participle of the Latin verb sapere, not a noun. THBPBPTHPT! Invalidate that ticket, language cop, I've got a poetic license.

Humbug: According to Wikipedia a humbug is: "... a person or object that behaves in a deceptive or dishonest way, often as a hoax or in jest." Google P.T. Barnum, the Prince of Humbugs.

IUPPPP&PVTTOT: International Union of Professional Perpetually Protesting Protestors & Perpetual Victims of This, That, and the Other Thing.

Intersectional Inquisition: According to Wikiwokia, "Intersectionality is an analytical framework for understanding how aspects of a person's social and political identities combine to create different modes of discrimination and privilege." A caste system for figuring out who's the biggest victim (at the moment).

The I.I. is a conspiracy of convenience run by H. sapiens who've figured out how to make a living and/or stroke their egos by making themselves the arbiters of who has privilege, who does not (oppressor v. oppressed), and what should be done about it. A very secure job... except for the possibility of getting caught up in a circular firing squad.  

Ishkabibble: Out-of-date slang that means no worries, or, what, me worry? or who cares? or like, whatever!

Irregardless: Technically incorrect, supposed to be regardless, but it's my column and I prefer it. 

Jagoff: Doesn't mean what you think it does, ya jagoff. unless you're fluent in Pittsburghese. From the urbanDICTIONARY: 2. A rude assholelike person. Originated in Pittsburgh. "Yinz were acting like jagoffs the other night, all drunk on Ahrns n'at."

Multipotentialite: "A multipotentialite is someone with many interests and creative pursuits." -Emilie Wapnick

Parliament of Whores: Title of an excellent book written by P.J. O'rourke that accurately describes the legislative branch of The Fedrl Gummit. It explains why, without term limits, we're fecked.

Pooteen, the: The current dicktater of Russia.

Protologism: " a term invented in the early 2000s by Mikhail Epstein... it's a new word defined as a new word for words which have not gained wide acceptance in the language." -Wikipedia

Purple JournalismJournalism as currently perpetrated by many news outlets that claim to be professional, unbiased, and factual. In reality, they are partisan, prone to sensationalism, and motivated primarily by the bottom line.

RBFD: Realy big feckin' deal is the officially approved phrase. The version that you may be thinking of should be used sparingly. The careless and/or overuse use of F-bombs, the perfect word for certain, limited situations, serves to dramatically reduce its power and effectiveness.

Rules&Regs: My name for the 10,000 Commandments (HT: Clyde Wayne Crews/AEI) handed down from above by the faceless bureaucrats and bureauons employed by the gummits and The Fedrl Gummit who are charged with writing the Rules&Regs — as well as the details and the devil therein — for laws passed by parliaments of whores and The Parliament of Whores (HT: P.J. O'Rourke).

The Secret of life: for H. sapiens on the planet Earth anyway, is accepting that so-called real life is just high school with money. 

Semi-Humble: I use this phrase followed by the word opinion because in my semi-humble opinion I wouldn't be expressing my opinions via the internet (potential audience, everyone on the planet Earth) if I were truly humble. If I were truly humble I would probably be pursuing enlightenment in a Taoist monastery. The primary reason I'm not is that one of my prime directives is to do what I can to help provide for the Stickies and teach them everything I wish someone had taught me.

My parents did what they could but didn't live long enough for me to appreciate them so I couldn't ask all the many questions I had once my extended callowyute stage finally ended and I became a grup. If I drop dead while writing this they, and my daughter and son-in-law, may someday find answers to questions they haven't thought of yet in my feeble scribbles.

Sexy Seasoned Citizen (SSC): Callowyutes should strive to become grups. Grups should strive to become sexy seasoned citizens. It must be noted that these designations are not necessarily dependent on chronological age. I know chronologically young callowyutes that are, or at least occasionally are, grups. I know alleged grups that think they are true grups but are primarily callowyutish in nature.

Sexy seasoned citizens know who they are and can usually spot other SSCs, but are often invisible to callowyutes and grups who may notice there's something different about SSCs, often as not theirs is at best a limited understanding. Also, sexy does not necessarily refer to physical attractiveness or level of sexual activity. Some have, and indulge, a normal to strong sex drive. Others are no longer particularly interested in sex, in some cases never have been.

To a mathematician, an elegant equation can be sexy. Sexy as used in SSC means quality, wisdom, self-awareness, gravitas, reliability, minimal drama, smart and sly. Ancient Greeks called it arete (virtue, excellence) wherein virtue is defined as the fulfillment of potential.

Shtuff: Shtuff is the word you get when you combine a vulgar term for excrement with the word stuff, to take the edge off of the vulgar word while simultaneously empowering the word stuff.

Shyte: My version of shite which is a UK version of the vulgar word referenced above.

Snifficant other: A corruption of significant other. The phrase, significant other seems to be waiting around every corner, and anxious to say hello, not just when I'm reading but also when I'm processing video input as well. I'm not certain, but I think it's a coping mechanism that originated in my subconscious. Also, it just feels and sounds, right.

Update: Almost gone but refuses to die. It's being replaced by partner.

Snowflakes: Individuals whose psyches have been corrupted by being awarded participation/everyone's a winner/everyone gets a prize trophies and who use terms such as microaggression and safe-space and sign petitions calling for the rewriting of the first amendment with a straight face.

Stickies, the: This is the word I use for my grandkids as a group. The group formed when my daughter and her two sons married my son-in-law and his two daughters and we became a sort of new millennial version of the Brady Bunch. I play the beloved, zany grandfather who lives in the attic. For the record, it's a finished attic and there's no lock on the outside of the door.

Update: Since becoming the poster child for osteoarthritis I've moved to the first floor. By the way, the rumors that this also has something to do with the fact there's a bathroom just down the hall are untrue, and there's still no lock on the outside of the door.  

Strategery: Nope, it's not strategy spelled wrong. Will Ferrell, (playing Bush, Dubya, in case you missed it) made the word famous when he used it in a Saturday Night Live sketch that satirized the Bush/Gore presidential debates. It became so popular it was used by people in the Dubya administration. I use it for the same reason they did, it's funny.

Sucks Sweaty Socks: Means exactly what you think it means. I've no idea where I got this one but I'm certain I didn't originate the term. Unfortunately, when researching it before adding it to this glossary, I stumbled on the fact that it has sexual fetish connotations, which sucks some of the fun out of it as far as I'm concerned. However, to me, it means the exact same thing as saying that something sucks, but it sounds less harsh.

Swamp Delegate: Also called senator, congressman, congresswoman, or congressperson. 

Swampton, D.C.: Also called Washington, D.C.

THBPBPTHPT! How to spell a Bronx Cheer according to Bill Watterson.

The Fedrl Gummit: The federal government of the United States.

Tralfamadore: Home planet of the aliens that briefly abducted me; referenced by Kurt Vonnegut in several of his novels. Their idea of probing is to conduct friendly interviews facilitated by serving their guests warm, homemade, chewy chocolate hazelnut brownies swirled with peanut butter and washed down with ice-cold whole milk.

Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy (VRWC): Disclosed by Hillary Clinton on the Today show, 1/27/98. She explained to the nation that Slick Willie was not really the Pedophile-In-Chief, as Newsweek had discovered (though they sat on the story until Matt Drudge leaked it). See, it was all just part of a vast right-wing conspiracy that was out to get Slick Willie by claiming he had a long history of abusing (and in at least one instance raping) women.

After many years of playing a key role in discrediting the bogus claims of these strumpets (google the phrase bimbo eruptions) she had finally had enough and revealed the conspiracy to a grateful nation. The Billary, who later morphed into the Hilliam, was able to ultimately prevail in spite of the fact he/she/they are world-class blackguards and ne'er-do-wells. No one has ever been able to figure out how the conspirators managed to transfer some of Slick Willies, um, DNA to Monica Lewinsky's famous blue dress, or even who they were.

I and some buddies thought it would be fun to start a club called the VRWC as we're all unrepentant center-right old dudes too far gone to embrace socialism or presidential candidates that are feminists of convenience. We have no problem with real feminists as long as they have a sense of humor and choose to live in the real world. We also have a female auxiliary because they refuse to share a clubhouse with us (some nonsense about toilet seats, among other things) who claim that we're their auxiliary.

WTF: You're probably already familiar with what this acronym usually stands for. However, if at all possible, when gentlepersons and gentlereaders use it stands for Wow!, that's freaky! or What the feck!

Wokies: Neo-Marxist/critical theory revolutionaries and useful idiots certain that this time the revolution, unlike last time, will result in less than 100,000,000 or so deaths.    

Yinz: A Pittsburgh (with an h) word that means the same thing as y'all.

Have an OK day,

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