Grey Text and a Very Grey Politician

                                              Photo by Bernard Hermant on Unsplash

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"This is why LGBT people of color don’t really trust the white gays. Yes, I said what I said. Period." -Charles Blow (New York Times columnist commenting on the estimate that 28% of LGBT people voted for Trump)

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Being a world-class web surfer ain't easy. My late wife used to occasionally call me Johnny Five. "Need Input!" 

Attempting to upload enough knowledge to make sense of the world and live a full and virtuous life shaped by love and intelligence requires commitment.

Question: Are easily readable websites too much to ask for?

Given that traditional books published in the dead trees format have a long and storied history of using clean and clear easily readable text so as to make them easy to read, shouldn't the he/she/them behind a given website be aware of this proven concept?

Given that the Goog has dumbed down its motto, Don't Be Evil, but still generates uncluttered, easy to read (if not necessarily easy to understand...) company websites, shouldn't the he/she/them behind a given website... etc.    

[Johnny Five? Need Input? What's with the 80s movie reference?]      

I'm trying to relate to a younger audience. Hmm... I wonder if I could find a justification for inserting a clip from Back to the Future?

[The 80s ended thirty years ago, grandpa.]

Are you sure? Just kidding. I'm talking about the 80s because that's when the web took off and cool and cutting edge started crowding out clean and clear. 

[The web was a 90s thing.]

Are you sure? Just kidding. Regardless, lighter and lighter shades of grey text now turn up all over the place. Two or three times a year, after being triggered by struggling to read grey text on some website, I go a-googlin' in search of fresh justification but the answers are always the same. Bottom line: cool and cutting edge (which in certain circles apparently means grey type) trumps clarity.

I take no comfort from the fact that my exhaustive research reveals that many people agree with me. I was more or less cool, occasionally even hip, for a couple of minutes and I know that part of the fun is looking down on/ignoring the uncool masses so I don't expect anything to change anytime soon. 

[When were you cool, in the 80s?] 

From September 1965 till June of 1984 (a long story that's included in my memoirs). I've been battling anachronisity ever since. 

[You've put it off long enough. Let's get this over with.]

Heavy sigh...

I'm writing this, this particular paragraph, on Wednesday, 11/4/20. The Citizens of the Republic have cast their ballots but the endless election and the endless coverage, chaos, and controversy continue. 

If I'm elected king (I remain cautiously optimistic) I shall decree that in-person voting shall begin on Monday of the week prior to "the Tuesday next after the first Monday in the month of November." 

Absentee ballots will not be available till the first of October and must be received by the Monday mentioned above. Postmark be damned. Absentee voting is only permitted for a narrowly defined subset of voters who can't vote in person.

All states must have a system in place to count, verify, and submit (at the latest) all votes by noon of the day after the actual election. Any leftover, unprocessed votes will then be destroyed.

That's it. No Exceptions. No more bullpoop. 

A nation that put men on the moon and _________, (insert your favorite accomplishment here) can surely conduct a quick, clean election in the country that can boast of having the world's oldest continuous democracy.   

Thursday morning. The states are still counting and lawsuits are being filed. 

Hoo-Boy...

   

Friday morning. The states are still counting and lawsuits are being filed. 

At the moment it's looking more and more like Uncle Joe may win. If so, I wish him luck. Having demonstrated, for almost 50 years, that he's a man of um, great flexibility, perhaps happy, malarky-free days are here again.

I wish the nation luck as well. Here's hoping that if Uncle Joe wins he manages to keep it together, physically and mentally, for four years. A simple twist of fate and the leader of the free world will be a giggling San Francisco progressive.

Regardless, with a bit of luck, the Repubs will hang on to the Senate. Divided government, when both parties suck sweaty socks, (insert Martha Stewart voice clip, here) is a good thing. 

Surely, given that the pollsters were wrong yet again, that Al Sharpton is incensed because the Donald's share of the Black vote has risen yet again, that AOC is incensed because so many Latinos voted for the Donald yet again, that...

[All right already!]   

I was just going to point out that perhaps the Citizens of the Republic, the majority of us anyway, aren't as actually divided as the Wokies claim we are/want us to be. Yes, Martha, that's also a good thing. 

Saturday morning. The states are still counting and...

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.   

Halloween 2020

A Mr. Cranky's Neighborhood Episode 

                                           Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night.
Good Lord, deliver us!" -Depends on who you ask...

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

We're having a perfect fall here in my little corner of Flyoverland. 

Whatever combination of weather conditions that are necessary to produce optimal leaf coloring have apparently occurred and my twice-daily brisk walks around the neighborhood to avoid having to engage in more serious forms of exercise are in technicolor. 

[You're fortunate enough to live in a neighborhood chockablock with stately old trees and you don't know why they...]

I did, Dana, but I can't remember. 

[You're writing this on a computer, why don't you just open a new tab and look it up?]

Because I wouldn't remember why for more than a minute or two because I'm... moderately old. The good news is that getting old provides clarity as far as what details are worth going out of one's way to remember. Given that details are literally infinite and our memories are not this is quite useful. 

This is quite useful because being as present and wide open as possible to whatever I'm experiencing here and now is much more important than sweating the details... or even making sure I take a picture with my phone.  

[I guess... It must be a geezer/geezerette/geezem thing.]

Actually, it's a sexy senior citizen thing. 

While admittedly I'd be unlikely to go to a Halloween party even if we weren't still battling the Wuhan Flu, or march in Hooterville's legendary Halloween parade even if it hadn't been canceled, I've had a great idea for a costume that would be quite easy to put together. 

I'd rent or borrow (can you rent a regular suit?) whatever sort of suit is currently favored by the lobbyists that infest the Swamp that included a bright red "power tie" of the sort favored by the Donald. 

What makes a power tie a power tie anyway? I've never understood the concept. Hang on a sec', I'll be right back...

Okay, according to Balani Custom Clothiers, "It's called the power tie for a reason, and by wearing a red tie you are implying you mean business. Just like Tiger Woods wears a red shirt to convey dominance, the red tie is a reaffirmation of strength, authority, and dominance within the professional world." 

Good to know. Hmm... I wonder if the name Tiger Woods is a carefully considered aspect of Mr. Woods shtick. Tiger of the woods as in golf clubs and/or tiger from the woods as in, well, a tiger from the woods.

[Ahem...]

Anyways, I'd also wear a large, tacky tie tack fashioned to look like a dollar sign and prominently display a large, gold-trimmed crack pipe in my vest pocket. I'd carry a large green shopping bag with the following printed in gold letters on both sides. 

                                      Hunter (Biden) the Gatherer

                                       "You ain't seen nothin' yet"

                                              Cash preferred 

[You should be ashamed for spreading Russian dissinformation. Besides, other than smoking a little crack, nothing he did was technically (that we know of, at least not yet) illegal and he never told his dad... unless he did. And even if he did his dad probably doesn't remember.]  

Two points of information for my dear gentlereaders. A tip o' the hat to Scott Adams for Hunter (Biden) Gatherer.  

Also, if you're saying to yourself, "I don't get it," you're either indifferent to current politics, are not entirely unwisely trying to be indifferent to current politics, or are living in an efficiency apartment in the information silo on the left side of the barn. 

I mentioned in a column about Halloween 2019 that Halloween lights, which didn't exist when I was a kid, had popped up here and there. I'm delighted to report that there are more of 'em this year. I think it's an anti-plague and Purple Press perpetually promoted political polarization countermeasure. 

Not only that, it appears that the number of households that have decorated for Halloween, which has been in a slump, is up this year. For whatever reason, there appears to be a record amount of jack-o'-lanterns, real ones, on display. 

The Stickies went all out this year, unfortunately/fortunately, they went all out early. The pumpkins are rotting, the faux cobwebgraphy is looking somewhat bedraggled, and the scarecrow with a Frankenstein-like face has a pronounced posture problem that makes him look like he's overdosing on fentanyl.

[Unfortunately/fortunately?]  

Well, when the light is just right, the deteriorated display looks quite menacing.

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet. 

 

It’s called the power tie for a reason, and by wearing a red tie you are implying that you mean business.  Just like Tiger Woods wears a red shirt to convey dominance, the red tie is a reaffirmation of strength, authority dominance within the professional world.

Vote For the Narcissistic A-hole ⸺ It's Important

                                                    Image by kalhh from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"Corruption is a cancer: a cancer that eats away at a citizen's faith in democracy..." -Joe Biden

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

In my semi-humble opinion, Donald J. Trump is a narcissistic arsehole. 

However, since I've been unable to secure a commitment from a dissatisfied, high ranking general or two to provide me with enough troops to execute a soft coup, I'm voting for the Donald. In fact, I already did. 

[Wait-wait-wait. Didn't you formally endorse the Harris/Biden ticket?]

I did, and I stand by my endorsement. After all, the reason for my endorsement was personal safety. Anyone that reads my column can easily deduce I'm a man of the right who used to be a libertarian with conservative impulses that has evolved into a conservative with libertarian impulses. 

We all have to grow up eventually.  

To the best of my knowledge, there are no high profile seemingly rational, well respected public figures (or even actors) of the right calling for dusting off the guillotines if the Orange one is not reelected.

From Robert Reich, former Secretary of Labor, current professor at UC Berkley, and prolific Democratic talking head:

"When this nightmare is over, we need a Truth and Reconciliation Commission. It would erase Trump’s lies, comfort those who have been harmed by his hatefulness, and name every official, politician, executive, and media mogul whose greed and cowardice enabled this catastrophe." 

Tweet! Tweet! 

Nor, to the best of my knowledge, are there any high profile seemingly rational, well respected public figures (or even actors) of the right calling for dusting off the guillotines if the Orange one is reelected.  

Former Secretary of State John Kerry has stated that another electoral victory by the Donald could provoke a revolution in the United States.

Dana executes a not half bad imitation of a chicken clucking and says: 

[I think you'll be okay given that your writing career is not quite the stuff of legend. Given that you could vote libertarian like you did last time, why did you vote for the Donald if you think he's a narcissistic a-hole?] 

That was a protest vote. The Hilliam are even more corrupt than Uncle Joe and Hunter the Gatherer, or at least better at it. Also, I thought the Donald was as surprised by his nomination as I was (and as surprised again when he was elected president).

[Wait a sec', now that I think about it you haven't mentioned anything about why you have such a low opinion of the Donald.] 

Where to begin? Trophy wives, the fact that his primary business focus for the last several years involved selling the sizzle, not the actual steak, "Grab 'em by the pussy," the... listen, the absurd hairdo and the orange-tinted skin speak volumes. 

The primary reason I don't like him was the long line of small contractors that stepped up to say that this "big guy" was infamous for stiffing the little guys when the bill came due. Because he could.  

Being a former small — make that tiny — business owner, I took that personally.  

However...   

Prior to the plague, we enjoyed three solid years of economic growth despite the previous administration (which, as you may remember, included uncle Joe) telling us for eight solid years that the party was over. 

Everybody out of the pool. From now on it's tepid economic growth and "leading from behind." Jimmy Carter Malaise had returned.

But then the Donald, while distracting the Purple Press with his absurd tweets, cut taxes and regulations, freed the frackers (= cleaner air + lower energy prices), stood up to China, reduced illegal immigration, and reignited the economy. 

Oh, and with the help of Jared Kushner, his thirty-something son-in-law, passed a prison reform bill and accomplished more for peace in the Middle East than the above mentioned John Kerry could even dream of.    

[Well, maybe, but since the plague hit he's...]

We're not going there, Dana, it's still half time (HT: Scott Adams). The legion of "experts" constantly contradicting each other while regularly changing their tunes and a Purple Press that prefers sensationalism to clarity has left me dazed and confused. 

My fingers are crossed and I've noticed Crafty Kamala and Uncle Joe have proposed nothing new. 

Look, I don't like what the Republican party has devolved into any more than I like what the Democratic party has devolved into. But Uncle Joe served as VP for eight years while the economy sputtered and race relations deteriorated in spite of the fact we had a black president. 

Biden is still claiming that he got into the race to save us from Trump the evil racist in spite of the fact that the "fine people hoax" he never gets tired of spreading was/is, indeed, a hoax.

Biden doesn't seem to have a problem with Swamp's way of doing things as long as it's his kid that's hip-deep in the putrid water while Uncle Joe maintains semi-plausible deniability from his basement.

Finally, given that there's a better than average chance Crafty Kamala will wind up behind the desk in the oval office I'm sticking with the devil I know.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

P.S. If you've never heard the name (Lt.) Tony Bobilinski you should Google it immediately. You will easily confirm that Uncle Joe (a.k.a. the big guy) is as corrupt as the Purple Press Corps that guards the walls of the Swamp. 

                                                *       *       *

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.   

   

Users

                                 Larry and Sergey and Eric — Oh My!

                                 Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"When I showed up, I thought this was the stupidest rule ever, because there's no book about evil except maybe, you know, the Bible or something." -Eric Schmidt, former chairman/CEO of the Goog — now a (technically) married international playboy — commenting on the Goog's now-defunct rule, Don't be evil  

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Recently, noticing a marked increase in advertising when I'm watching YouTube I decided to complain — not that I expected this would accomplish anything beyond making me feel better for a half a minute or so. 

[Are you aware that for 12 bucks a month YouTube will supply you with unlimited, ad-free content?]

Well, yeah, but...

[Are you aware of the fact that the H. sapiens that provide YouTubes content get a cut of the advertising revenue and/or a cut from the subscription fee?]

Well, yeah, but...

[And I know for a fact you're aware that a lot of content providers post content out of love for said content, or are just trying to promote their own creative efforts and don't expect to make any money from YouTube.]

I will not only stipulate to all of the above I will admit that I could write an entire column devoted to everything I love about YouTube. 

After all, it's not only possible to watch cute kitty videos, it's also possible to pull up talks by and interviews of scientists and public intellectuals in every field, as well as the music of musical giants in every genre, living and dead.

[Geez... So what's your problem, Sparky?]   

The Goog's contempt for "users." 

"There are only two industries that call their customers 'users': illegal drugs and software." -Edward Tufte

Now, just for fun, imagine some old geezer watching/listening to Coffee With Scott Adams which is usually about an hour-long with a new episode available every day.

Our hero is in the midst of a series of physical therapist prescribed exercises to relieve his spinal stenosis, as well as some other exercises, while listening to Mr. Adam's observations on life in these United States (HT: Reader's Digest) at a playback speed of 1.25 or even 1.5 as Mr. Adam's tends to ramble. 

Imagine our hero's reaction when he's lying on his back and for whatever algorithmically determined reason, the adverts are coming more frequently and are longer than usual and he doesn't want to keep getting up to click through them. 

[Imagine that our cowardly "hero" keeps postponing back surgery because of all the people he knows that back surgery did nothing for, or even made worse, and who's too cheap to pay for ad-free YouTube.]    

Imagine our hero, who worked full-time mostly at physically demanding jobs for 45 years or so and is scraping by on an embarrassingly humble fixed income decides that for the very first time he's going to complain to YouTube. 

YouTube, if you're unaware, is owned by (insert ominous music here) — the Goog. 

It can't be done. 

[Wait-wait-wait. I know for a fact you went looking and there are all sorts of ways to complain about...]

Only the sorts of things the Goog permits you to complain about. Try it my dear gentlereaders. You'll be shunted into categories of the Goog's choosing and none of these categories will enable you to complain about too much advertising. 

[You know... Given your, um, advancing age, and the fact that you have little patience for what amounts to having to take a class to accomplish...]

What should be simple to accomplish...

[Perhaps, um, it's you, and...]

I repeat, what  should  be  simple  to  accomplish. 

Particularly in light of the fact that I'm old enough to know there's no such thing as a free lunch, that I'm the product, and that the Goog gets a little richer and more powerful every day by peering over my shoulder and selling my, nay everyone's data, to the highest bidder.

[Nay?] 

Yea. 

[Are you done? Do you feel better yet?]  

I do feel a little better, yes, but not having hit my word limit yet I'm not quite done. 

On an unrelated note...

America, the Harris/Biden campaign is refusing to answer an existentially important question. If elected, and if they can persuade our corrupt and dysfunctional Congress to go along, are they prepared to destroy the Republic?

[Destroy the Republic? All they're saying is that it's not fair, due to historical serendipitousness, that we might soon have a Supreme Court top-heavy with sticks in the mud that insist on interpreting the constitution literally instead of creatively so...] 

So that if Krafty Kamala/Uncle Joe is in charge and the Dems get control of the Senate they can appoint as many like-minded Supremes with lifetime appointments as needed to create a mini House of Lords to save us from ourselves. 

[Well, there's nothing in that moldy old constitution that says they can't so...]

So the hell with that pesky checks and balances thing, the end justifies the means, right? What's the worst that could happen?

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Free bonus content! Quotations from Chairman Eric. Sample: "I actually think most people don't want Google to answer their questions. They want Google to tell them what they should be doing next."

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.       

A Quotable Quote

                                   Schottenstein portrait of H.L. Mencken  

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine." -H.L. Mencken

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

This week's quote (above) is embedded in the header of my charming web page. 

I wish I had a pithy quote handy that elegantly expressed why a web page on a screen at least the size of a laptops is so much more conducive to mindful reading than the ubiquitous smartphone but...

[You're digressing right out of the gate. I suggest you stay in your lane while there are still a few gentlepersons left in the world who read more than a title or headline, and possibly a paragraph or two, before moving on.]

You're right, Dana. We've probably already lost half of our potential audience.

The reason I like the quote above so much is twofold. 

First, the reminder that one is always here and that it is always now. 

[Huh?]

While language and logic would seem to indicate that life is a series of discrete nows following one right after the other: now it's now, and now it's now, and now... That's not the nature of reality. There's no way to divvy up now.  

[Wait-wait-wait. You're talking to me, now. If you talk to me tomorrow you'll be talking to me, later. There's now, and there's later.]  

But when I talk to you tomorrow it will be, now. It's always now. 

[Balderdash! Tomorrow is... later!]

We spoke yesterday, right?

[Yeaaahhh, but...]

Well is it later yet or is it now again? Or, is it always, now? Feels like now to me; it always feels like it's now to me, and, I suspect, everyone else. 

[But when I think about the past or plan for the future...] 

It's always now. And when you do something in the future it'll feel as much like now as now now does. 

[Are you having an acid flashback again or...]

Nope. I'm just...

[Wait-wait-wait. I'm standing, here. If I take a step to my left I'll be standing, there, right? You thought I forgot about...]

Go ahead, take a step to your left, good. Now, Dana, where are you?

[Here, I'm right... I hate you.]  

I'm sorry, there's a method to my madness beyond just messing with your head, two of 'em actually. I personally love words and working with words, but words are symbols, handy tools that point at reality, but they're not reality. 

Also, most H. sapiens, by nature, spend a great deal of time reliving the past and/or worrying about/planning for the future in the midst of the here and now. While these are both useful functions it's always here and it's always now.  

While a wise man/woman/person must learn from the past and often postpone gratification for the sake of actually having a future that's worth living, if you spend too much time living in the past/future you'll die without ever having actually lived.

An awful lot of H. Sapiens are suddenly (and often brutally) deleted every day while making other plans. Keeping this in mind helps to keep things in perspective. Keeping this in mind takes some of the sting out of the inevitable instances when life bites you on the bum and helps to keep them in perspective.  

No, I didn't forget that I said twofold, the other fold being "Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine." This reminds us that in addition to trying to remember that it's always here/now and acting accordingly we must always keep our B.S. detectors charged. 

[Nuh-Uh! It means that there's no such thing as hard facts, that everything's a matter of interpretation and subject to change.]  

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

[What the hell is that?]

Sorry, I like to keep the alarm on my B.S. detector turned all the way up. It's a geezer/geezerette/geezem thing, the result of the natural hearing loss that occurs with aging exacerbated by too many unnaturally loud rock concerts. 

[What's a geezem?] 

An old person that prefers not to self-identify as a traditional male or female. Anyways, to paraphrase Jordan Peterson from a video I can't find: obviously, any-thing can be interpreted any-way. 

BIG BUT. So what?

There are only a limited amount of useful interpretations that will prove to be true (or not true) enough based on practical results in the real world. 

Mencken's obvious hyperbole is about keeping an open mind. It's not an endorsement of the currently popular childish nihilism that's used to justify things like mob justice and claiming science is a social construct. 

This would be a great closing sentence if I had thought of one...

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet 

 

Did You Watch That... Debate?

                                                           Image by skeeze from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."                                                                                                      -Mark Twain

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Did you watch that... debate?

Oh, before I forget, when I'm king, my very first decree will outlaw the use of stereos on motorcycles. While I've no immediate plans to set a decibel limit on how loud motorcycle engines are permitted to be my privy council and I will take it under consideration.

[Wait-wait-wait. Decree? I thought you were running a write-in campaign to become a king like the sort they have, well, had, in the United Kingdom. What's going on here? There's nothing being reported by the media...] 

You've heard it here first, folks. I'm now calling for a gentle coup dˊetat. I'm hoping that a couple-three rogue colonels, maybe even a general, step up and place me on the throne. 

I mean, did you watch that... debate?

Make that a throne, of sorts, a comfy office chair will do. I only want to be king for a couple of years and then retire with a modest pension and Medicare with a good supplement. 

With a little luck, the two geezers on offer from the stale and corrupted machines that claim to be the Republican and Democratic parties will move to the Villages and run for the presidency of the homeowners association and we can have a fresh campaign with fresher candidates. 

[What's this nonsense about a "gentle" coup dˊtat? Have you abandoned your campaign slogan and your write-in campaign?]  

Did you watch that... debate?

Well, I still think that Make(ing) American Polite Again may help to stop the decline of Western Civilization but desperate times call for desperate measures. Fun fact, that proverb is based on something Hippocrates wrote about treating extreme diseases with extreme methods. 

[        ] 

The plague? Shutting down the economy? Hell, shutting down everything, or at least trying to? The debate? See what I did there?

[Uh-huh, very clever. A "gentle" coup dˊtat?]

Yeah, only kill one or two people who are too stupid or evil to live anyway to scare everyone else into line. I'm thinking... well, nevermind.

The Donald's not going to suddenly start acting like a grown-up if reelected and the members of the "resistance" aren't going to start acting like grown-ups if Uncle Joe — who became a professional politician a half-century ago and is running for president for the third time — is in charge. 

Refusing to accept that there's such a thing as human nature, maintaining that biology is a social construct, and judging everything and everyone from the present and the past against an imaginary utopia in the future is madness.

Boomers from both sides running a tab they expect their kids and grandkids to pay is madness.  

And speaking of soft coups, the Russian collusion gambit looks like an attempted soft coup by the FBI since the Steele dossier was compiled with the help of a Russian spy. The FBI knew it and launched the investigation that launched a thousand news stories and congressional hearings (and trashed a couple of lives) anyway.    

Not that most of the media have had much to say about that. Nothing to see here folks, let's move on. Say, Didja hear about Gwyneth Paltrow posing nude?

Did you watch that... debate? 

[Listen, you can't just...]

I know, I know, but man, what if I could? What if I could make a deal with my fellow Citizens of the Republic?

What if could run the country for two years, by decree, and at the end of two years all of my decrees would be subject to an up or down vote? 

Second decree: The current presidential election is postponed till 2022.  

Third decree: Congressional term limits. Two, four-year terms for the House and two six-year terms in the Senate. 

Fourth decree: In 2022 all current congressional terms are null and void. We elect a new House and Senate, from scratch. 

Fifth decree: Amending the constitution can be done by a two-thirds majority of both houses and the president's signature and a national referendum that passes with 75% of the votes cast. 

BIG BUT...

Sixth decree: The electoral college will remain unchanged. The constitution will be amended to say that the Supreme Court will consist of nine judges with 20-year term limits. To change either of these two provisions requires using the traditional amendment process. We're a democratic republic, not a democracy. 

BECAUSE...

Three individuals spring immediately to mind for some reason: Crazy (bring me my ice cream) Nancy, Chuck (which camera should I look into?) Boomer, and Alexandria (follow me on Twitter!) Ocasio Cortez — America's favorite former bartender/waitress with a degree in economics and international relations from our world-class education system.  

Seventh decree: The constitution is amended to enshrine real, not virtual, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington style Filibustering that can only be ended by a supermajority vote. All Filibusters will be broadcast live.

[I don't even know what that...]

Four words: world-class education system. 

[Like, whatever. You're over the word limit.] 

I'm just getting warmed up, let's talk about a national blue law. America's closed on Sundays and... Alright, alright, I'll stop.

But did you watch that... debate?

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

P.S. All my best to the Donald and all of my fellow geezers/geezerettes/geezems suffering from Boomer-B-Gone. Take care, be well, and here's hoping you can afford to live in the Villages (if you actually want to).  

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.

Famous for Being Famous

Contain your excitement! Two Random Randomnesses Columns in a Row!

                                        Image by Luis Díaz from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"I am a deeply superficial person." -Andy Warhol

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders), 

The famous for being famous artist(?) from my hometown, Pittsburgh (with an h), Andy Warhol, famously said that "In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes."  

Welcome to the future.

While every one will not be world-famous for 15 minutes it's not for lack of trying by many ones.  

Be ye the star of a "reality" television show, an influencer on social media commanding a rabid army of "followers", or this gentleperson...

Fame, perhaps even fortune, beckons.

The internet has made it possible for any given one to be a legend in his/her/their own mind regardless of how famous he/she/they actually is/are(?). 

[Your endless lame joke lampooning pronoun obsession is getting old.]

As are we all, Dana, at least hopefully. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to insert my favorite tidbit of plague humor. Remember...

[Please, don't! I take it back! I...]

Remember folks, eat well, get plenty of sleep, drink plenty of water, exercise vigorously, take vitamin D — and die anyway.

The Notorious RBG, as you likely are aware, has died. While I wasn't a fan, perhaps now I'll look more closely. I've always meant to since I was, and still am — he gave great interview — a fan of Antonin Scalia and he and she were famously good friends.

At the risk of being accused of speaking ill of the dead, however, if we amended the Constitution so that the Supremes were limited to terms of 20 years she would have retired long before the serious health problems she's suffered from for the last several years manifested. 

I've no idea if said problems negatively impacted her performance, but, at the time the Founding Pasty Patriarchs decided the Supremes should serve for life the average H. sapien only lived to the age of 38. 

Full disclosure: If you lived to be 60 there was a good chance you'd hang on till you were 75 — but Justice Ginsburg was 87.

[Gave great interview? That sounds a bit tacky don't you...]

Well, he did, and there's a lot of 'em available on the web that I can't recommend enough to my gentlereaders. Incidentally, when asked how he, a rock-ribbed, commonsensical conservative would amend the constitution he said that it should be easier to amend the constitution.

If it were, perhaps the Wokies and Neojacobins would stop trying to turn the SCOTUS into a second legislature and instead reform the actual legislature. 

When I'm elected king my historical claim to fame will be twofold. First, obviously, for my campaign slogan, Make America Polite Again.

More importantly, my unflagging commitment to amending the constitution to include congressional term limits. I'm open to negotiation and compromise for establishing how long a given senator or congressman/woman/person may remain in office before having to vacate the swamp and rejoin the real world. 

A willingness to compromise to achieve lasting solutions so that life in America is about more interesting things than all politics/all litigation all the time is the mark of a civilized gentleperson.

As long as it's possible to be a professional congressperson from a carefully gerrymandered district or a senator in the pocket of this, that, or the other special interest group(s), for decades, we're fucked.

To fully appreciate how I wish the result of this formerly shocking and powerful word-bomb would be, you have to be old enough to appreciate what the blast radius would've been had it been uttered by Sister Mary McGillicuddy in the 1950s. 

[Gasp! You hypocrite! Always going on about how the f-bomb has been turned into a f-firecracker...]       

Guilty as charged, but yes, it has. I object to the dumbing down of profanity to the point that cussin' ain't cussin' anymore, the verbal equivalent of defining deviancy down.

I object to taking away the power of certain words so as to neuter them because everything doesn't and shouldn't go because...

[Why you gotta' be so judgy all the time?]

Because when it does, calling a painting of Campbell's Soup cans art leads to calling a photograph of a plastic crucifix dipped in urine art.    

A Tragedy of Errors. I offer no links, you're on your own. Facts won't change the minds of ideologues or the efforts of professional propagandists anyway. 

On 3/13/20 Breonna Taylor was accidentally killed when her boyfriend engaged in a firefight with police who had entered her apartment. He fired first, wounding one of the cops and they returned fire. He was wounded, she, tragically, was killed. 

One of the cops is in trouble because some of his shots went wild and endangered the occupants of the apartment next door.

The police had a warrant, originally a "no-knock" warrant that had been amended to knock and announce which they maintain they did. A witness backs them up. 

The reason the police were there is that a former boyfriend of Ms. Taylor's, a known drug dealer, had been observed picking up packages he'd had delivered to her apartment. 

Two special prosecutors appointed by Kentucky's African-American Attorney General, and a grand jury, only charged the cop that accidentally shot into the apartment next door. 

If Brionna Taylor and her boyfriend had been white most Americans would've never heard about what happened. Just the facts, ma'am.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.