Voting

Image by chayka1270 from Pixabay

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.  

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants." -Lewis Black  

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

The Donald has declared repeatedly, and continues to declare frequently, I wuz robbed! 

If he's deleted before getting a chance at a rematch with Uncle Joe this cry for justice will probably be chiseled into the marble of the biggest, best, and most beautiful mausoleum in all of New York City, maybe the whole country.

It'll be America's answer to the Taj Mahal and be part of a complex that includes a casino (Taj 2) and the Trump Memorial Skating Rink and Shopping Mall!

It'll...

[Hey-hey-hey! Glance up, please. The title of this missive is Voting.]       

Indeed it is. Thanks, Dana. 

Our story so far:

The Donald says he wuz robbed. But he'd say that even if he lost by a decisive margin instead of a narrow one. It's what he does. 

The powers that be in various Depublican states dramatically expanded vote by mail and kept tweaking rules as they went, sowing confusion and litigation.

The Republicrats have responded by introducing new voting laws in several states, Georgia for example, and the purple press is covering the story as though it's as important and traumatic as the impending divorce of Kim and Kanye.

[And social media mavens are going nuts. Did you know she's allegedly worth a billion bucks?]

Most states require people to prove they have the right to vote, when they vote, by producing some form of identification. 

The recently passed law in Georgia requires a given Citizen of the Republic to produce a drivers license (expired is OK) or a (free) state-issued ID — or a Social Security number, or a copy of a current utility bill, or a bank statement, or a government check, or a paycheck. 

[Shudder... Racism!]

The Ds answer to the Rs is an 800-page bill that requires the states, among many many other things, to enable voter registration via an automated telephone system...

"Please press one if you're a Depublican, two if you're Republicrat, three if you're an independent, and four if none of the preceding options apply. 

Beep. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please press one if you're a Depublican..." 

And, specifies that envelopes used to return mail-in ballots must be "self-sealing." 

[To protect the salivicly challenged?]    

And, a grace period. Mail-in votes that arrive up to ten days after an election must be counted. 

[You made all that up!]

No, I didn't

I've been hinting around about starting a movement called neo-neoconservatism, but have yet to mention any details. Upon reflection, the very thought of trying to start, or worse yet lead, a political movement makes me want to hide under my bed.

Despite the fact I'm still stinging from my resounding defeat in the last election —America apparently doesn't want a king — going forward I'll continue to preface my ideas for untangling the nation's political and cultural problems with the phrase if I were king.

To be honest, being a benevolent monarch is the only political job that I'd bother to dust off my resume for. That said: 

If I were king, I'd declare the weekend and Monday prior to the federal elections that occur every two years (on Tuesdays) to be a national four-day weekend/holiday. Fireworks are suggested, but not mandatory.  

Most importantly, the vast majority of the Citizens of the Republic will be required to vote in person if they want to participate. I'm sure that Uncle Joe, the president that's trying so hard to reunite our nation's fractious factions, will agree.

Traditionally, most Americans somehow managed to all vote on the same day. In the modern era, the results were usually known by the next morning and everyone got on with their lives.

But compare and contrast the election of 1960 to the election of 2000. 

In 1960 Tricky Dick, many now believe, actually won the race against Kennedy. But Tricky Dick — a firm believer that all's fair in love, war, and politics (which became abundantly clear by 1974) — conceded rather than put the nation through what the Algore didn't hesitate to put the nation through in 2000. 

I propose an All American four-day weekend. Plenty of time to get to the polls and plenty of time to get the transportationally challenged to the polls. 

[Transportationally challenged?]  

Voting parties and picanics! Parades! Voting sales  — "Everything in the store 10% off all four days!" — Football! Members of gummit and schoolteachers unions get another paid holiday to honor their service to a grateful nation!

Normal people can resume their lives on Wednesday. Lawyers can file fresh lawsuits. Politicians can start raising money for the next election.

[Pic-a-nics?] 

Google the name, Yogi Bear.

Anti-racism statement

I unequivocally condemn the blatant racism that's been on display since the controversy over Georgia's new election law has seized the attention of the nation and the world. 

To assert that black people won't be able to prove their identities via one of the multiple options listed in the new law is appalling. I can't believe that in this day and age there are openly racist white people that still think that black people aren't as smart as they are, and that our president is one of them. 

I'm thinking about moving to another country.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

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Spring

A Mr. Cranky's neighborhood episode

Image by Bessi from Pixabay

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.  

About 

Glossary

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"The first day of spring is one thing, and the first spring day is another. The difference between them is sometimes as great as a month." -Henry Van Dyke

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders)

It must be Spring. 

In the course of a single recent day, I encountered the three wise men for the first time in a while, Picasso man wheeled his way down the sidewalk in front of my house as I was looking out the window, and my favorite Morman — the 80-year old that lives next door — was in his backyard prepping his Can-Am Spyder for fresh adventures.

Consilience or cosmic coinkydink?  

"Get your motor runnin'

Head out on the highway..."

If not for the fact he's much more likely to be seen on the back of one of his two-riding lawn mowers than his motorcycle when the weather's nice I'd get him a leather jacket with Missionaries on Motorcycles written on the back.

While walking around my very quiet and very old neighborhood, I refer to the age of most of the houses and many of my neighbors, I've been trying out a new greeting when I encounter a fellow Citizen of the Republic of a certain age. 

"Good morning and/or evening (I never walk in the afternoon), looks like we've survived another Northern Ohio winter and the plague!"

Some version of "Well, so far anyway" is the reply I almost always receive unless it's one of the very few people I encounter regularly and who don't regard me as a potential threat. The demeanor of most, often as not, clearly expresses that they're prepared to sic their dog on me if I should do or say something that confirms their suspicions.  

When I cross paths with younger adults I limit myself to good morning and/or evening. They usually toss one back at me but often look surprised. 

Why's that geezer talking to me? I wish I had brought the dog.       

Teens almost always look startled and uncomfortable and mumble a half-hearted reply or none at all. If there's more than one there's often giggling and speaking in hushed tones as they walk away trying to make sense of what just happened.

The elusive, unaccompanied younger kid(s) also is likely to look startled and uncomfortable and also mumble a half-hearted reply or none at all. Their demeanor displays a fight or flight response as their eyes dart around in search of the best escape route. 

There's a reason the expression Northern hospitality is not a thing. 

[Maybe it's just you?]      

Entirely possible, Dana. I may have the soul of an artist but it's trapped behind/inside the face/body of a non-speaking extra in an old school gangster movie.

Assuming he's lived long enough to have grey hair and has no visible scars.

We have new streetlights, or rather, new streetlight bulbs on some of the streets of Hooterville. The old bulbs were encased in a sort of shroud/cover that diminished the harshness of the light a bit. The shrouds/covers didn't do much to reduce the light pollution in our little Ohio "city" but they helped.

The new bulbs are just sort of there. No cover, quite bright, and high-tech looking. Hopefully, there's a phase two pending in which the shrouds/covers will return.  

Not that (almost) any location in Northeast Ohio is good for stargazing despite the fact there's no shortage of ruralness in the region southwest of the thriving megalopolis of Cleveland.

Lake Erie not only produces lake-effect snow once it freezes over in the winter it generates a lot of cloud cover a lot of the time.

And now, since multimedia entertainment is considered cool and cutting edge, I'm a cynical old crank, and it's my column, here's a video version of an old Randy Newman song, Burn On, about the time the Cuyahoga River caught on fire in Cleveland. 

"Cleveland, city of light, city of magic."

The good news is that both Lake Eire and the Cuyahoga River are in much better shape than when the song was written. The bad news is that most of the factories and steel mills (and thousands of jobs) that caused the problem are now polluting China.

[Is ruralness a real word?]

Absabalutely, Dana. 

[Wait-wait-wait. You said almost any location. Where...]

Observatory Park. Described by Google Maps as a "green space for hiking and stargazing." I've never been there but now that I know about it I might pay a visit... after the plague is under control.  

I'm embarrassed to admit that even though I've been temporarily living in Ohio for 35 years I only recently became aware of its existence. Observatory Park I mean, not the Buckeye state. 

A quick bit o' googlin' revealed that it's one of only 8, or 10, or 27 parks recognized by the International Dark-Sky Association in the US. (I love living in the Information Age.)

Anyways, it's located in a rural part of Geauga County (between me and Cleveland) that has minimal light pollution, and the folks that run the park work with local officials to keep it that way. Unfortunately, it's as subject to cloud cover as the rest of this region so clear nights are catch-as-catch-can.

Maybe I could get a room... 

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Comment, share this column, or access older columns below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with PayPal or plastic.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.     

 

  

The National Guard vs The Plague

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.

Please Note: If ya click on an Amazon ad, thus opening a portal to Amazon, and buy anything, Lord Jeffrey will toss a few pence in my direction and you won't have to feel guilty about enjoying my work — well, hopefully — for free. Win/Win.  

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"I’ll get vaccinated when politicians make it easier to get an appointment than front row Springsteen tickets." -Peter Van Buren

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

I've been wondering why the National Guard presence isn't so ubiquitous in every state of the union that posted conspiracy theories have bogged down the internet. 

[Why would you expect...]

Vaccinations, Dana, Covid vaccinations. I'm not talking about troops behind barbed wire-topped fencing like the ones still in Washington. The last of those battle-scarred troops will hopefully be going home by the end of May as promised. 

[Battle-scarred? Are you making fun of said soldiers?]

Oh hell no. I thank God for the fact there are about 2.2 million active and reserve volunteers serving their country.

If you count armed paramilitary forces Emperor Xi has a million more minions serving in his military than we do, as does the Pooteen, voluntarily or otherwise. North Korea's Dear Leader has 7,769,000 hungry minions at his disposal according to Wikipedia.

I'm making fun of the fact that 26,000 troops were deployed to protect the center of the Swamp in January as compared to virtually none to protect the country from mostly peaceful protestors last summer.

[Which has exactly what to do with Covid vaccinations? ] 

I'm glad you asked.

I've been trying to get vaccinated for awhile now. I recently scored an appointment for my first jab on April the eighth. My home state, Ohio, has been threatening to open Regional Mass Vaccination Clinics for several weeks but the last time I checked only two were open. 

In the meantime, getting vaccinated is a catch as catch can game. One clicks around hoping to snag an appointment at one of the many authorized sites but the vaccines are being doled out in dribs and drabs. 

I get it. The stuff can only be manufactured and distributed so fast. But why didn't The Fedr'l Gummit's highly successful Operation Warp Speed, which produced vaccines in record time, include a distribution plan given how long they had to put one together?

[So why do you think the National Guard should be the master jabbers?]

The Interstate Highway System and the military's logistical expertise. 

[Well, that explains that then.]

Quick point, I think the shots should be administered by local, qualified volunteers under the supervision of a Doc or three in light of some... interesting experiences I've had at a local outlet of a national drugstore chain where I no longer get my prescriptions filled. 

[Whatever, but...]

The building of the Interstate Highway System that we take for granted was begun in 1956, three years after I was born and three years after Eisenhower began his first term. 

(Note to my younger readers: America used to be able to get all sorts of amazing things done but around the time we landed men persons on the moon things started going south.)   

In fact, its full name is the Dwight D. Eisenhower National System of Interstate and Defense Highways. 

Note the word defense. 

The Interstate Highway System includes the STRAHNET, the Strategic Highway Network, which according to Wikipedia is: The entire network of highways which are important to the United States’ strategic defense policy and which provide defense access, continuity, and emergency capabilities for defense purposes.

Note the phrase emergency capabilities.   

Emergency capabilities... Like a pandemic, for instance?

As to logistics expertise, despite its flaws (which stem primarily from the officers at the very top of the food chain, but that's another column), the military of the United States knows how to get stuff from point A to point B. 

So why wasn't Brigadier General Amos T. Halftrack tasked with securing the cooperation of large, more unused than used facilities— from small concert halls to ginormous, domed stadiums that are in every state of the union — to serve as distribution centers/mass vaccination sites?

The Guard could also have been tasked with building pop-up sites wherever needed, or commandeering the secret FEMA concentration camps... 

[Why haven't you been canceled yet? And hasn't the Guard been involved...]

In a limited way, yes, but America could've made some much-needed positive history. The country, if only briefly, could've experienced the buzz that comes from everybody — well, most bodies — being on the same team and working towards the same goal.

The country that put persons on the moon should be making the rest of the world look bad.  

On a related note...

According to NPR.org, in the US (in which roughly 15% of us have been fully vaccinated) "...the White House announced it is working through the technicalities to loan 2.5 million doses to Mexico and 1.5 million doses to Canada from its stockpile of 7 million doses."

[Like, seriously dude?]

Keep in mind that the Fedr'l Gummit funded the development of the vaccines and guaranteed they will buy the vaccines developed by Big Pharma to get vaccines ASAP — fortunately for us. 

This means that the Feds can, by law, since there's taxpayer money involved, force the drug companies to hand over the technology to manufacturers in poor countries, which is how you end a global pandemic before ever new versions of the bug come looking for fresh meat.

The Donald and Uncle Joe apparently didn't/don't think this is necessary. 

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

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Cranky don't tweet.