Image by chayka1270 from PixabayThis is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.
Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.
"In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants." -Lewis Black
Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),
The Donald has declared repeatedly, and continues to declare frequently, I wuz robbed!
If he's deleted before getting a chance at a rematch with Uncle Joe this cry for justice will probably be chiseled into the marble of the biggest, best, and most beautiful mausoleum in all of New York City, maybe the whole country.
It'll be America's answer to the Taj Mahal and be part of a complex that includes a casino (Taj 2) and the Trump Memorial Skating Rink and Shopping Mall!
It'll...
[Hey-hey-hey! Glance up, please. The title of this missive is Voting.]
Indeed it is. Thanks, Dana.
Our story so far:
The Donald says he wuz robbed. But he'd say that even if he lost by a decisive margin instead of a narrow one. It's what he does.
The powers that be in various Depublican states dramatically expanded vote by mail and kept tweaking rules as they went, sowing confusion and litigation.
The Republicrats have responded by introducing new voting laws in several states, Georgia for example, and the purple press is covering the story as though it's as important and traumatic as the impending divorce of Kim and Kanye.
[And social media mavens are going nuts. Did you know she's allegedly worth a billion bucks?]
Most states require people to prove they have the right to vote, when they vote, by producing some form of identification.
The recently passed law in Georgia requires a given Citizen of the Republic to produce a drivers license (expired is OK) or a (free) state-issued ID — or a Social Security number, or a copy of a current utility bill, or a bank statement, or a government check, or a paycheck.
[Shudder... Racism!]
The Ds answer to the Rs is an 800-page bill that requires the states, among many many other things, to enable voter registration via an automated telephone system...
"Please press one if you're a Depublican, two if you're Republicrat, three if you're an independent, and four if none of the preceding options apply.
Beep.
"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please press one if you're a Depublican..."
And, specifies that envelopes used to return mail-in ballots must be "self-sealing."
[To protect the salivicly challenged?]
And, a grace period. Mail-in votes that arrive up to ten days after an election must be counted.
[You made all that up!]
No, I didn't
I've been hinting around about starting a movement called neo-neoconservatism, but have yet to mention any details. Upon reflection, the very thought of trying to start, or worse yet lead, a political movement makes me want to hide under my bed.
Despite the fact I'm still stinging from my resounding defeat in the last election —America apparently doesn't want a king — going forward I'll continue to preface my ideas for untangling the nation's political and cultural problems with the phrase if I were king.
To be honest, being a benevolent monarch is the only political job that I'd bother to dust off my resume for. That said:
If I were king, I'd declare the weekend and Monday prior to the federal elections that occur every two years (on Tuesdays) to be a national four-day weekend/holiday. Fireworks are suggested, but not mandatory.
Most importantly, the vast majority of the Citizens of the Republic will be required to vote in person if they want to participate. I'm sure that Uncle Joe, the president that's trying so hard to reunite our nation's fractious factions, will agree.
Traditionally, most Americans somehow managed to all vote on the same day. In the modern era, the results were usually known by the next morning and everyone got on with their lives.
But compare and contrast the election of 1960 to the election of 2000.
In 1960 Tricky Dick, many now believe, actually won the race against Kennedy. But Tricky Dick — a firm believer that all's fair in love, war, and politics (which became abundantly clear by 1974) — conceded rather than put the nation through what the Algore didn't hesitate to put the nation through in 2000.
I propose an All American four-day weekend. Plenty of time to get to the polls and plenty of time to get the transportationally challenged to the polls.
[Transportationally challenged?]
Voting parties and picanics! Parades! Voting sales — "Everything in the store 10% off all four days!" — Football! Members of gummit and schoolteachers unions get another paid holiday to honor their service to a grateful nation!
Normal people can resume their lives on Wednesday. Lawyers can file fresh lawsuits. Politicians can start raising money for the next election.
[Pic-a-nics?]
Google the name, Yogi Bear.
Anti-racism statement
I unequivocally condemn the blatant racism that's been on display since the controversy over Georgia's new election law has seized the attention of the nation and the world.
To assert that black people won't be able to prove their identities via one of the multiple options listed in the new law is appalling. I can't believe that in this day and age there are openly racist white people that still think that black people aren't as smart as they are, and that our president is one of them.
I'm thinking about moving to another country.
Have an OK day
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Cranky don't tweet.
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