Wouldacouldashoulda

Hooked on drugs phonics profits

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.   

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

About

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlereader  

"I have worked out that I am virtually Chinese, because everything I own is from China." -Sean Lock

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

I'm so old that I can remember when Chairman Mao's Little Red Book went on sale here in the home of the free and the land of the brave. 

Given the fact China has rapidly gone from an enormous, dirt poor, overpopulated, retro-kingdom run by a ruthless emperor to an enormous, rich, fertility challenged, postmodern kingdom that's embraced capitalism/mercantilism with "Chinese characteristics" run by a different ruthless emperor... 

"...mercantilism, economic theory and practice common in Europe from the 16th to the 18th century that promoted governmental regulation of a nation’s economy for the purpose of augmenting state power at the expense of rival national powers." -britanica.com

...I wonder if Henry the K suffers from Wouldacouldashoulda Syndrome?

{What on Earth are you...}  

Time for a long story short, Dana. 

In 1949 Mao Zedong (a.k.a. Chairman Mao) and his merry band of communists won the Chinese Civil War, set up a socialist paradise, and Mao became the first emperor mentioned above. But you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs and by the time he dropped dead in 1976: 

"The government was responsible for vast numbers of deaths with estimates ranging from 40 to 80 million victims through starvation, persecution, prison labour, and mass executions." -Wikipedia

The Little Red Book, a.k.a. Quotations of Chairman Mao Tse-tung, was/is a compilation/distillation of the wit and wisdom(?) of the emperor, a collection of quotable quotes to guide the lives of the peasantry. It was eventually distributed globally and literally was/is a little red book. 

Ironically, early editions are now collector's items in certain capitalist circles.

{Was/is?} 

It's still for sale, and there are various versions of Maoism/Maoists loose in the world although China now regards Mao as a lovable but crazy uncle who made some honest mistakes. Nowadays, the Chairman is a tourist attraction. 

 China's current emperor, Xi Jinping, a.k.a. Xi Dada, a.k.a. Winnie the Pooh...

has, so far at least, killed a lot less people. His cutting-edge surveillance state that the FANG (Facebook, Amazon, Netflix, and the Goog), so far at least, can only dream of makes it possible to enslave his techno-peasants with much less wetwork, with the notable exception of the Uyghurs. 

But they're not actually Chinese, so... and are in process of being swallowed whole like the Tibetans before them.    

Henry the K(issenger), repeatedly declared the H. sapien with the most boring voice on the planet Earth by the Guinness people...

{You made that up!}

Perhaps. In his defense permit me to point out that he's allegedly a ladies man, or at least he was, but that would prove that women are biologically attracted to men of power and accomplishment regardless of...

{Would you stop!}

What? I was just going to point out that this serves to keep those of us who have never been famous for our good looks to strive for power and accomplishment... or at least to try and convince the ladies we're bad boys. Anyway, Mr. Kissinger is, and will forever be, famous for being the diplomat that "opened" China, among many other accomplishments. 

Big BUT...  

Given what's happened since, I wonder if he's ever subject to bouts of Wouldacouldashoulda syndrome given that Cold War II has broken out and our adversary is much more powerful than in the last cold war. Well, at least we don't need a younger version of Mr. K. to declare peace in some Vietnam-like situation and then get out of Dodge. So far at least. 

{What about Afscamistan?}

All that was declared this time was that we fucked up again and we're outta here by both the Donald and Uncle Joe... who preceded to fuck up the fleeing.

{GASP! Didn't you write somewhere this is a family-friendly column?}

I believe I used the phrase "well, mostly".

In case you somehow missed the intensive coverage by the American media, in other news from the Middle Kingdom, a former NBA player, Sonny Weems, who nowadays plays for the Guangdong Southern Tigers of the Chinese Basketball Association was verbally assaulted after a recent matchup with the Liaoning Flying Leopards.

 According to Vice.com, "Racial slurs against Black people are commonly seen on the internet and often ignored by censors [the emperor's minions] who otherwise diligently remove politically sensitive content."

And people claim there's no such thing as free speech in China. 

I went a-googlin' and curiously, as far as I can tell, neither the NBA nor LeBron James has commented or issued statements about the matter. Go figure... 

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

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Racialism

Image by M Vaughn from Pixabay

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.  

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"The word racism is like ketchup. It can be put on practically anything - and demanding evidence makes you a racist." -Thomas Sowell 

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Racialism is an interesting word. 

[And what, pray tell, is racialism?]

Well, Dana, that depends on who you ask, which is what makes it interesting. If one goes a-googlin' the very first page of returned links may connect to sources that contradict each other. 

Also, two different kids entering the word on the exact same make and model of their school-issued Chromebooks are unlikely to be offered the same set of links to choose from. 

[Wait-wait-wait. Who you callin' kids? Is a 20-year-old college student a kid? Is a...]  

98.7% of all H. sapiens under the age of 30 or so, student or not. It's not an insult, it's a fact. It's a fact that, fortunately, will be recognized and remedied by 94.3% of all H. sapiens by the time they're 30, at the latest.

As for the remaining 4.4%... well, we must all do what we can to minimize their impact on our lives, hopefully without having to resort to violence.

Luckily for me, although I was a card-carrying member of the 4.4% until I was 32 years old, I managed to survive till April of 1985 with relatively little damage to myself and others, whereupon my head popped out of my ass. 

I've been paying restitution ever since but I'm cautiously optimistic that by the time I'm deleted the bill will be marked paid in full.     

Regardless, my point is that the Goog, by design, customizes search results based on what it knows about you, what it thinks you might want to see, and what it thinks you should see.

Given that the Goog is more likely to start making donations to Republicrats than revealing how the secret army of Algorithmites goes about deciding what information you'll be offered, constant caution is called for if you're actually seeking truth and not mere confirmation of your biases. 

And entering a word like racialism, which means whatever the user wants it to mean, is especially problematic.

[Great (yawn) But what the fu... what the heck does it mean?]

Well personally, I define it as the tendency of certain people to insert the subject of race into every possible situation. What used to be called playing the race card has gone mainstream. 

A fundamental tenet of the Church of the Woke is that Pasty Patriarchs, and even the melanin-challenged women they hold in bondage, are, by definition, all Neoracists all the time.

[What's a Neo... Never mind, let's move on. That doesn't make any logical sense; it's impossible to prove all white people are racists.]

Proof? Proof and logic are merely weapons that the oppressor class uses to control the oppressed. 

This is why you white people just don't understand what's going on. You think that just because proof and logic, fundamental to that Enlightenment thing that's produced a society that our ancestors couldn't even imagine, will show us the way forward. 

[I'm a literary hallucination, not a white person. You're the white person.]     

Not anymore, I've awokened. I've decided to stop resisting the fact I self-identify as an African-American lesbian woman named Coco who could pass for Hale Berry's twin sister. 

[Whatever gets ya through the night, Coco. But what's that got to do with turning your back on the "Enlightenment thing?"] 

To be a Wokie is to reject logic and proof and embrace a revelation. New religions are based on a revelation of some sort that enables their adherents to reject everything that came before and start over. The revelation provides a firm foundation to stand on that can't be questioned. 

"There is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is his messenger." -The Shahada

All Caucasians, and all the "Western" traditional notions of morality, ethics, lifestyle etc., are racist by definition. Therefore, when any given white person says they're not racist it proves that they are. -Me

We Wokies believe that life on Earth is merely the story of the strong oppressing and exploiting the weak and the marginalized. For the last several hundred years this has been all about Caucasians versus everyone else.

St. Karl thought it was all about economics, the evil rich vs. everyone else. When more modern thinkers were trying to figure out how it was the Russian revolution so quickly morphed into hell on Earth and not the predicted utopia they concluded two things.    

White people had managed to take control not only by economically exploiting everyone else they perpetuated a cultural fraud that was hidden by the fact that anyone anywhere that applied the life lessons so-called "Western Civilization" had spent several thousand years learning (the hard way) could prosper and thrive. 

This is why it's been so tough, till recently, to wake people up. 

But now that there's enough money sloshing around in developed countries to free us from traditional restraints such as self-restraint, the belief in/need for a higher power, the nuclear family, patriotism, ya just can't have it allism, etceterism — a new version of the devil has been created, "constructed" if you will.  

Everything that's wrong with the world is due to white privilege and power. 

This trope enables everyone that's piling up the dough — multinational firms that have turned their backs on the blue-collar types that built and maintain the world, Hollywood, universities, most of the media, certain black superstar athletes — to thrive and prosper as long as they say the right things and pay off the right grifters. 

That's racialism, and that's why I'm now officially a black lesbian, I could really use the money.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

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Voting

Image by chayka1270 from Pixabay

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.  

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants." -Lewis Black  

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

The Donald has declared repeatedly, and continues to declare frequently, I wuz robbed! 

If he's deleted before getting a chance at a rematch with Uncle Joe this cry for justice will probably be chiseled into the marble of the biggest, best, and most beautiful mausoleum in all of New York City, maybe the whole country.

It'll be America's answer to the Taj Mahal and be part of a complex that includes a casino (Taj 2) and the Trump Memorial Skating Rink and Shopping Mall!

It'll...

[Hey-hey-hey! Glance up, please. The title of this missive is Voting.]       

Indeed it is. Thanks, Dana. 

Our story so far:

The Donald says he wuz robbed. But he'd say that even if he lost by a decisive margin instead of a narrow one. It's what he does. 

The powers that be in various Depublican states dramatically expanded vote by mail and kept tweaking rules as they went, sowing confusion and litigation.

The Republicrats have responded by introducing new voting laws in several states, Georgia for example, and the purple press is covering the story as though it's as important and traumatic as the impending divorce of Kim and Kanye.

[And social media mavens are going nuts. Did you know she's allegedly worth a billion bucks?]

Most states require people to prove they have the right to vote, when they vote, by producing some form of identification. 

The recently passed law in Georgia requires a given Citizen of the Republic to produce a drivers license (expired is OK) or a (free) state-issued ID — or a Social Security number, or a copy of a current utility bill, or a bank statement, or a government check, or a paycheck. 

[Shudder... Racism!]

The Ds answer to the Rs is an 800-page bill that requires the states, among many many other things, to enable voter registration via an automated telephone system...

"Please press one if you're a Depublican, two if you're Republicrat, three if you're an independent, and four if none of the preceding options apply. 

Beep. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please press one if you're a Depublican..." 

And, specifies that envelopes used to return mail-in ballots must be "self-sealing." 

[To protect the salivicly challenged?]    

And, a grace period. Mail-in votes that arrive up to ten days after an election must be counted. 

[You made all that up!]

No, I didn't

I've been hinting around about starting a movement called neo-neoconservatism, but have yet to mention any details. Upon reflection, the very thought of trying to start, or worse yet lead, a political movement makes me want to hide under my bed.

Despite the fact I'm still stinging from my resounding defeat in the last election —America apparently doesn't want a king — going forward I'll continue to preface my ideas for untangling the nation's political and cultural problems with the phrase if I were king.

To be honest, being a benevolent monarch is the only political job that I'd bother to dust off my resume for. That said: 

If I were king, I'd declare the weekend and Monday prior to the federal elections that occur every two years (on Tuesdays) to be a national four-day weekend/holiday. Fireworks are suggested, but not mandatory.  

Most importantly, the vast majority of the Citizens of the Republic will be required to vote in person if they want to participate. I'm sure that Uncle Joe, the president that's trying so hard to reunite our nation's fractious factions, will agree.

Traditionally, most Americans somehow managed to all vote on the same day. In the modern era, the results were usually known by the next morning and everyone got on with their lives.

But compare and contrast the election of 1960 to the election of 2000. 

In 1960 Tricky Dick, many now believe, actually won the race against Kennedy. But Tricky Dick — a firm believer that all's fair in love, war, and politics (which became abundantly clear by 1974) — conceded rather than put the nation through what the Algore didn't hesitate to put the nation through in 2000. 

I propose an All American four-day weekend. Plenty of time to get to the polls and plenty of time to get the transportationally challenged to the polls. 

[Transportationally challenged?]  

Voting parties and picanics! Parades! Voting sales  — "Everything in the store 10% off all four days!" — Football! Members of gummit and schoolteachers unions get another paid holiday to honor their service to a grateful nation!

Normal people can resume their lives on Wednesday. Lawyers can file fresh lawsuits. Politicians can start raising money for the next election.

[Pic-a-nics?] 

Google the name, Yogi Bear.

Anti-racism statement

I unequivocally condemn the blatant racism that's been on display since the controversy over Georgia's new election law has seized the attention of the nation and the world. 

To assert that black people won't be able to prove their identities via one of the multiple options listed in the new law is appalling. I can't believe that in this day and age there are openly racist white people that still think that black people aren't as smart as they are, and that our president is one of them. 

I'm thinking about moving to another country.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Comment, share this column, or access older columns below. If you find my work pleasing you should buy me some cheap coffee with PayPal or plastic.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.