Grey Text and a Very Grey Politician

                                              Photo by Bernard Hermant on Unsplash

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"This is why LGBT people of color don’t really trust the white gays. Yes, I said what I said. Period." -Charles Blow (New York Times columnist commenting on the estimate that 28% of LGBT people voted for Trump)

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Being a world-class web surfer ain't easy. My late wife used to occasionally call me Johnny Five. "Need Input!" 

Attempting to upload enough knowledge to make sense of the world and live a full and virtuous life shaped by love and intelligence requires commitment.

Question: Are easily readable websites too much to ask for?

Given that traditional books published in the dead trees format have a long and storied history of using clean and clear easily readable text so as to make them easy to read, shouldn't the he/she/them behind a given website be aware of this proven concept?

Given that the Goog has dumbed down its motto, Don't Be Evil, but still generates uncluttered, easy to read (if not necessarily easy to understand...) company websites, shouldn't the he/she/them behind a given website... etc.    

[Johnny Five? Need Input? What's with the 80s movie reference?]      

I'm trying to relate to a younger audience. Hmm... I wonder if I could find a justification for inserting a clip from Back to the Future?

[The 80s ended thirty years ago, grandpa.]

Are you sure? Just kidding. I'm talking about the 80s because that's when the web took off and cool and cutting edge started crowding out clean and clear. 

[The web was a 90s thing.]

Are you sure? Just kidding. Regardless, lighter and lighter shades of grey text now turn up all over the place. Two or three times a year, after being triggered by struggling to read grey text on some website, I go a-googlin' in search of fresh justification but the answers are always the same. Bottom line: cool and cutting edge (which in certain circles apparently means grey type) trumps clarity.

I take no comfort from the fact that my exhaustive research reveals that many people agree with me. I was more or less cool, occasionally even hip, for a couple of minutes and I know that part of the fun is looking down on/ignoring the uncool masses so I don't expect anything to change anytime soon. 

[When were you cool, in the 80s?] 

From September 1965 till June of 1984 (a long story that's included in my memoirs). I've been battling anachronisity ever since. 

[You've put it off long enough. Let's get this over with.]

Heavy sigh...

I'm writing this, this particular paragraph, on Wednesday, 11/4/20. The Citizens of the Republic have cast their ballots but the endless election and the endless coverage, chaos, and controversy continue. 

If I'm elected king (I remain cautiously optimistic) I shall decree that in-person voting shall begin on Monday of the week prior to "the Tuesday next after the first Monday in the month of November." 

Absentee ballots will not be available till the first of October and must be received by the Monday mentioned above. Postmark be damned. Absentee voting is only permitted for a narrowly defined subset of voters who can't vote in person.

All states must have a system in place to count, verify, and submit (at the latest) all votes by noon of the day after the actual election. Any leftover, unprocessed votes will then be destroyed.

That's it. No Exceptions. No more bullpoop. 

A nation that put men on the moon and _________, (insert your favorite accomplishment here) can surely conduct a quick, clean election in the country that can boast of having the world's oldest continuous democracy.   

Thursday morning. The states are still counting and lawsuits are being filed. 

Hoo-Boy...

   

Friday morning. The states are still counting and lawsuits are being filed. 

At the moment it's looking more and more like Uncle Joe may win. If so, I wish him luck. Having demonstrated, for almost 50 years, that he's a man of um, great flexibility, perhaps happy, malarky-free days are here again.

I wish the nation luck as well. Here's hoping that if Uncle Joe wins he manages to keep it together, physically and mentally, for four years. A simple twist of fate and the leader of the free world will be a giggling San Francisco progressive.

Regardless, with a bit of luck, the Repubs will hang on to the Senate. Divided government, when both parties suck sweaty socks, (insert Martha Stewart voice clip, here) is a good thing. 

Surely, given that the pollsters were wrong yet again, that Al Sharpton is incensed because the Donald's share of the Black vote has risen yet again, that AOC is incensed because so many Latinos voted for the Donald yet again, that...

[All right already!]   

I was just going to point out that perhaps the Citizens of the Republic, the majority of us anyway, aren't as actually divided as the Wokies claim we are/want us to be. Yes, Martha, that's also a good thing. 

Saturday morning. The states are still counting and...

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

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Halloween 2020

A Mr. Cranky's Neighborhood Episode 

                                           Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night.
Good Lord, deliver us!" -Depends on who you ask...

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

We're having a perfect fall here in my little corner of Flyoverland. 

Whatever combination of weather conditions that are necessary to produce optimal leaf coloring have apparently occurred and my twice-daily brisk walks around the neighborhood to avoid having to engage in more serious forms of exercise are in technicolor. 

[You're fortunate enough to live in a neighborhood chockablock with stately old trees and you don't know why they...]

I did, Dana, but I can't remember. 

[You're writing this on a computer, why don't you just open a new tab and look it up?]

Because I wouldn't remember why for more than a minute or two because I'm... moderately old. The good news is that getting old provides clarity as far as what details are worth going out of one's way to remember. Given that details are literally infinite and our memories are not this is quite useful. 

This is quite useful because being as present and wide open as possible to whatever I'm experiencing here and now is much more important than sweating the details... or even making sure I take a picture with my phone.  

[I guess... It must be a geezer/geezerette/geezem thing.]

Actually, it's a sexy senior citizen thing. 

While admittedly I'd be unlikely to go to a Halloween party even if we weren't still battling the Wuhan Flu, or march in Hooterville's legendary Halloween parade even if it hadn't been canceled, I've had a great idea for a costume that would be quite easy to put together. 

I'd rent or borrow (can you rent a regular suit?) whatever sort of suit is currently favored by the lobbyists that infest the Swamp that included a bright red "power tie" of the sort favored by the Donald. 

What makes a power tie a power tie anyway? I've never understood the concept. Hang on a sec', I'll be right back...

Okay, according to Balani Custom Clothiers, "It's called the power tie for a reason, and by wearing a red tie you are implying you mean business. Just like Tiger Woods wears a red shirt to convey dominance, the red tie is a reaffirmation of strength, authority, and dominance within the professional world." 

Good to know. Hmm... I wonder if the name Tiger Woods is a carefully considered aspect of Mr. Woods shtick. Tiger of the woods as in golf clubs and/or tiger from the woods as in, well, a tiger from the woods.

[Ahem...]

Anyways, I'd also wear a large, tacky tie tack fashioned to look like a dollar sign and prominently display a large, gold-trimmed crack pipe in my vest pocket. I'd carry a large green shopping bag with the following printed in gold letters on both sides. 

                                      Hunter (Biden) the Gatherer

                                       "You ain't seen nothin' yet"

                                              Cash preferred 

[You should be ashamed for spreading Russian dissinformation. Besides, other than smoking a little crack, nothing he did was technically (that we know of, at least not yet) illegal and he never told his dad... unless he did. And even if he did his dad probably doesn't remember.]  

Two points of information for my dear gentlereaders. A tip o' the hat to Scott Adams for Hunter (Biden) Gatherer.  

Also, if you're saying to yourself, "I don't get it," you're either indifferent to current politics, are not entirely unwisely trying to be indifferent to current politics, or are living in an efficiency apartment in the information silo on the left side of the barn. 

I mentioned in a column about Halloween 2019 that Halloween lights, which didn't exist when I was a kid, had popped up here and there. I'm delighted to report that there are more of 'em this year. I think it's an anti-plague and Purple Press perpetually promoted political polarization countermeasure. 

Not only that, it appears that the number of households that have decorated for Halloween, which has been in a slump, is up this year. For whatever reason, there appears to be a record amount of jack-o'-lanterns, real ones, on display. 

The Stickies went all out this year, unfortunately/fortunately, they went all out early. The pumpkins are rotting, the faux cobwebgraphy is looking somewhat bedraggled, and the scarecrow with a Frankenstein-like face has a pronounced posture problem that makes him look like he's overdosing on fentanyl.

[Unfortunately/fortunately?]  

Well, when the light is just right, the deteriorated display looks quite menacing.

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet. 

 

It’s called the power tie for a reason, and by wearing a red tie you are implying that you mean business.  Just like Tiger Woods wears a red shirt to convey dominance, the red tie is a reaffirmation of strength, authority dominance within the professional world.

Vote For the Narcissistic A-hole ⸺ It's Important

                                                    Image by kalhh from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they become grups or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, and/or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"Corruption is a cancer: a cancer that eats away at a citizen's faith in democracy..." -Joe Biden

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

In my semi-humble opinion, Donald J. Trump is a narcissistic arsehole. 

However, since I've been unable to secure a commitment from a dissatisfied, high ranking general or two to provide me with enough troops to execute a soft coup, I'm voting for the Donald. In fact, I already did. 

[Wait-wait-wait. Didn't you formally endorse the Harris/Biden ticket?]

I did, and I stand by my endorsement. After all, the reason for my endorsement was personal safety. Anyone that reads my column can easily deduce I'm a man of the right who used to be a libertarian with conservative impulses that has evolved into a conservative with libertarian impulses. 

We all have to grow up eventually.  

To the best of my knowledge, there are no high profile seemingly rational, well respected public figures (or even actors) of the right calling for dusting off the guillotines if the Orange one is not reelected.

From Robert Reich, former Secretary of Labor, current professor at UC Berkley, and prolific Democratic talking head:

"When this nightmare is over, we need a Truth and Reconciliation Commission. It would erase Trump’s lies, comfort those who have been harmed by his hatefulness, and name every official, politician, executive, and media mogul whose greed and cowardice enabled this catastrophe." 

Tweet! Tweet! 

Nor, to the best of my knowledge, are there any high profile seemingly rational, well respected public figures (or even actors) of the right calling for dusting off the guillotines if the Orange one is reelected.  

Former Secretary of State John Kerry has stated that another electoral victory by the Donald could provoke a revolution in the United States.

Dana executes a not half bad imitation of a chicken clucking and says: 

[I think you'll be okay given that your writing career is not quite the stuff of legend. Given that you could vote libertarian like you did last time, why did you vote for the Donald if you think he's a narcissistic a-hole?] 

That was a protest vote. The Hilliam are even more corrupt than Uncle Joe and Hunter the Gatherer, or at least better at it. Also, I thought the Donald was as surprised by his nomination as I was (and as surprised again when he was elected president).

[Wait a sec', now that I think about it you haven't mentioned anything about why you have such a low opinion of the Donald.] 

Where to begin? Trophy wives, the fact that his primary business focus for the last several years involved selling the sizzle, not the actual steak, "Grab 'em by the pussy," the... listen, the absurd hairdo and the orange-tinted skin speak volumes. 

The primary reason I don't like him was the long line of small contractors that stepped up to say that this "big guy" was infamous for stiffing the little guys when the bill came due. Because he could.  

Being a former small — make that tiny — business owner, I took that personally.  

However...   

Prior to the plague, we enjoyed three solid years of economic growth despite the previous administration (which, as you may remember, included uncle Joe) telling us for eight solid years that the party was over. 

Everybody out of the pool. From now on it's tepid economic growth and "leading from behind." Jimmy Carter Malaise had returned.

But then the Donald, while distracting the Purple Press with his absurd tweets, cut taxes and regulations, freed the frackers (= cleaner air + lower energy prices), stood up to China, reduced illegal immigration, and reignited the economy. 

Oh, and with the help of Jared Kushner, his thirty-something son-in-law, passed a prison reform bill and accomplished more for peace in the Middle East than the above mentioned John Kerry could even dream of.    

[Well, maybe, but since the plague hit he's...]

We're not going there, Dana, it's still half time (HT: Scott Adams). The legion of "experts" constantly contradicting each other while regularly changing their tunes and a Purple Press that prefers sensationalism to clarity has left me dazed and confused. 

My fingers are crossed and I've noticed Crafty Kamala and Uncle Joe have proposed nothing new. 

Look, I don't like what the Republican party has devolved into any more than I like what the Democratic party has devolved into. But Uncle Joe served as VP for eight years while the economy sputtered and race relations deteriorated in spite of the fact we had a black president. 

Biden is still claiming that he got into the race to save us from Trump the evil racist in spite of the fact that the "fine people hoax" he never gets tired of spreading was/is, indeed, a hoax.

Biden doesn't seem to have a problem with Swamp's way of doing things as long as it's his kid that's hip-deep in the putrid water while Uncle Joe maintains semi-plausible deniability from his basement.

Finally, given that there's a better than average chance Crafty Kamala will wind up behind the desk in the oval office I'm sticking with the devil I know.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

P.S. If you've never heard the name (Lt.) Tony Bobilinski you should Google it immediately. You will easily confirm that Uncle Joe (a.k.a. the big guy) is as corrupt as the Purple Press Corps that guards the walls of the Swamp. 

                                                *       *       *

Share this column or give me a thumb (up or in my eye) below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with your debit/credit card.    

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Cranky don't tweet.