The Secret of Life (Part 2)

If you're new here, this is a weekly column consisting of letters written to my grandchildren (who exist) and my great-grandchildren (who aren't here yet) -- the Stickies -- to haunt them after they become grups and/or I'm dead.

                         BEWARE THE (INTELECTUAL) DARK WEB

[Blogaramians: Blogarama renders the links in my columns useless. Please click on View Original to solve the problem and access lotsa columns.]

Irregularly Appearing Imaginary Guest Stars

Marie-Louise -- My beautiful muse (right shoulder) and back scratcher 

Iggy -- My designated Sticky

Dana -- My designated gentlereader (left shoulder)

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." -Groucho Marx 

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies & Great-Grandstickies,

I revealed the secret of life in a column published on 8.6.16 -- so-called real life is high school with money. I don't want to say I told you so, so I won't.

I submit, however, that the current kerfuffle concerning the Republicrats release of a memo summarizing how the Justice Department and the FBI pulled a fast one (or two) to obtain a warrant from a FISA court judge to spy on a certain Citizen of the Republic, and by extension the Trump presidential campaign, proves my point.

Dana: Oh, for the love of God! Enough already!
Marie-Louise: Non! non!

Iggy: Is in school.

Please Remain Calm and Do Not Abandon the Column   

Sorry, I do not intend to discuss the contents/veracity of the memo in question or the carefully nuanced positions of either of our esteemed two major political parties concerning said contents/veracity.

Republicrats: Un-huh! (rinse and repeat).
Depublicans: Nuh-uh! (rinse and repeat).

Or, the pending (it's probably out by now) counter memo crafted by the Depublicans.

Old school Big But

Immagine the high minded statesmenpeople as high school students and the famous/infamous memo as a mimeographed note (can you smell it?), runoff and distributed by the Committee to Reelect Amy McGillicuddy (CRAM) student council president.

It details the committee's -- which consists mostly of members, like Amy, of the marching band -- take on the recently exposed cafeteria food purchasing scandal.

What scandal? two words, one relative -- mystery meat and Mr. McGillicuddy. My lawyers advise me that I should stop there if and until the complex, multi-party litigation is resolved.

Cutting edge Big But

Replace the phrase mimeographed note above with the word text.


Now, the Dudes Onboard for Oliver Blobner (DOOB) -- Oliver, and his best bud Derwood -- are about to release their version of events, pending approval by principle Pocatello. Word in the halls is that they're going to try and implicate Amy in the scandal, indirectly, by pointing out she seems to own more shoes than Imelda Marcos.

Dana: Imelda who?
Marie-Louise: Qui?
Iggy: Is still in school.

Look 'er up on your pocket rectangles, surely you know how to use 'em for more than just... oh, never mind. Sorry, politics makes me bitchy.

The school board has been looking into the scandal for better than a year. The committee appointed to get to the bottom of the issue has stalled out over a sub-issue -- exactly what sort of animal or animals were used in the production of the mystery meat in question and what was its original source.

School board and committee member Betina Blobner (Oliver's mom) is spearheading the drive for the formation of a second committee.

Full disclosure: Ms. Blobner dated Mr. McGillicuddy when they were in high school just prior to his involvement with a girl an individual named Heather, whom he subsequently married, but has since divorced, prior to marrying his current wife the new and improved Heather2.

It seems that the purchasing scandal has ballooned into an investigation of all sorts of purchases besides mystery meat, including non-food items.

Ms. Blobner thinks another, separate committee is needed to concentrate on the mystery meat issue since it affects not just the high school but the entire school district and possibly other districts as well.

Meanwhile, Back In the Jungle (of Competitive Capitalism)...

Mr. McGillicuddy, owner of McGillicuddy's Meats and Things, denies any billing irregularities and points out that he's not a butcher. MM&T is a wholesale distributor of heat and eat meats (and related products) manufactured by a plethora of suppliers, some of which are based outside the country.

"Knowing Betty as well as I do, I'm certain she just mistakenly believes she's doing her public duty. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a business to run and a family to feed."

He's also discretely leaked to the media the rumor that Ms. Blobners primary reason for coming after him is because he dumped her shortly after seducing her in the backseat of his '74 Nova the night of Enchantment Under the Sea dance when they were in high school.


From the Library of Economics and Liberty Encyclopedia:  As James Buchanan artfully defined it, public choice is “politics without romance.”   

In modeling the behavior of individuals as driven by the goal of utility maximization—economics jargon for a personal sense of well-being—economists do not deny that people care about their families, friends, and community. But public choice, like the economic model of rational behavior on which it rests, assumes that people are guided chiefly by their own self-interests and, more important, that the motivations of people in the political process are no different from those of people in the steak, housing, or car market. My emphasis. 


Since the distasteful topic of contemporary politics has reared its ugly head in this missive (talk to Marie-Louise, I just work here) and I'm a few hundred words under budget, permit me to dispose of another unpleasant topic currently preoccupying the Infotainment Industrial Complex. Granny panties. 

I confess to being completely unaware this topic was a thing till I stumbled on a video on USA Today's website that informed me that indeed it is. Thongs, I was informed, are out (good). Granny panties are in (not good). I googled the phrase granny panties and was rewarded(?) "with about 9,440,000 results (0.38 seconds)". 

[Are we nearing a destination, pantyboyperson?]  

Yes, Dana. I have two important questions. 

1. Am I the only one to whom it's obvious this subject is a subconscious manifestation of the left-right debate? Clearly, thongs are a symbol of the far left and granny panties the far right. Why can't we compromise, meet in the middle, and agree on bikini or hipster?   

2. Why does Google feel it's necessary to brag about About 9,440,00 results when it's only possible to access the first 1,000?

Poppa loves you.

Have an OK day.

2/24/18, 6:30 p.m. -- hmm, says I to me, I wonder what happened to the Depublicrats counter memo? Pushed to the side because of the tragedy in Florida? I need to update us before clicking on the publish button in a few hours.

I open a tab and start clicking around. Wow!, what are the odds? My enquiry is breaking news (pinky swear). Wait... on a Saturday evening? I start reading. The Depublican counter memo is, as expected, a nuh-uh... based on redacted information (but you can trust them). Well, that explains the Saturday thing. 

Bottom line. Months of Stum und Drang... and Wailing and Gnashing... and Rending of Garments and we   still   don't   know   shi... Never mind. Sorry I bothered you. Support congressional term limits before it's too late.   

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day.


[P.S. Gentlereaders, for 25¢ a week, no, seriously, for 25¢ a week you can become a Patron of this weekly column and help to prevent an old crank from running the streets at night in search of cheap thrills and ill-gotten gains.

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©2018 Mark Mehlmauer   (The Flyoverland Crank)

If you're reading this on my website (where there are tons of older columns, a glossary, and other goodies) and if you wish to comment — or react (way cooler than liking, and Facebook doesn't keep track) — please scroll down. 




















  

Common Sense

If you're new here, this is a weekly column consisting of letters written to my grandchildren (who exist) and my great-grandchildren (who aren't here yet) -- the Stickies -- to haunt them after they become grups and/or I'm dead.

                     BEWARE THE (INTELECTUAL) DARK WEB

[Blogaramians: Blogarama renders the links in my columns useless. Please click on View Original to solve the problem and access lotsa columns.]

Irregularly Appearing Imaginary Guest Stars

Marie-Louise -- My beautiful muse (right shoulder) and back scratcher

Iggy -- My designated Sticky

Dana -- My designated gentlereader (left shoulder)

                   

The bourgeois are other people. -Jules Renard

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies & Great-Grandstickies,

"We're on a mission from God." Thus spake the immortal Elwood Blues.

I don't know that I'm on a mission from God but someone/something clearly wants me to expound upon Bourgeois Culture. Far be it from me to question my orders when a powerful someone/something keeps dropping obvious hints. I smell metaphysical mysteries in the air.

Then again, it might just be a cosmic coinkydink.

Anyways... (HT: Dr. Jordan P.) last September, 9.18.17 to be exact, Heather Mac Donald, a lesser known public intellectual wrote an article about an article, in the Wall Street Journal.

[Some clearly called for clarifications. The phrase well known public intellectual is almost an oxymoron. Ms. Mac Donald does not, to my knowledge, own a farm. Ms. Mac Donald is much better known than I. I am not a public intellectual but I do have 39 certified college credits. Yes, they're real, the rumor that they were obtained at Wossamotta U is fake news.]

I can't link to the article she wrote about an article; the WSJ has a very effective paywall. It's possible to share WSJ articles on Facebook and I do, regularly. You can access Ms. Mac Donald's article by accessing my Facebook page and sniffing around. Feel free to follow or like me (no charge).

I can link to the article she wrote an article about, an op-ed in the Philadelphia Inquirer titled "Paying the price for breakdown of the country's bourgeois culture." It was written by Amy Wax and Larry Alexander, professors of law at the University of Pennsylvania and the University of San Diego, respectively.

Their article was the cause a cacophonous kerfuffle in the Social Justice Warrior (SJW) universe. I had a vague notion -- being that I'm a happily heterosexual white weenie who revels in his privilegenesses, one of which is having been marinated in Bourgeois Culture as a yute -- to write a column. But, I didn't

But then... The January 2018 edition of Imprimis was published. A PUBLICATION OF HILLSDALE COLLEGE -- OVER 3,700,000 READERS MONTHLY.

Are we Free to Discuss America's Real Problems? -by Amy L. Wax

Ms. Wax wrote a lengthy, insightful, well-written piece about the cacophonous kerfuffle kicked up by her (and Mr. Alexander's) op-ed. Which means, your reading an article about an article about an article and about an article about the fuss caused by, the original article. Sign from God, right?

Our story thus far: A couple of law school profs wrote an op-ed that was published by the Philadelphia Inquirer extolling Bourgeois Culture. The SJW community freaked (as is their won't). Ms. Mac Donald wrote about the freaking. I thought about chiming in, but didn't.

When one of the profs who authored the original article that generated a teapot tempest recently wrote about the tempest she helped to create in one of the Republic's more obscure publications, which recently landed in my mailbox, clearly someone/something wanted me to craft a column. So I did.

According to Merriam-Webster...

BOURGEOIS 1. of, relating to, or characteristic of the social middle class 2. marked by a concern for material interests and respectability and a tendency toward mediocrity    

[a.k.a. bourgie (pronounced boo-zhie). Urban Dictionary: Stuck up, rich bitch, uncle tom, sell out, anybody who acts like they are better than everybody because of their financial standings (i.e. M-W #2).]

I would posit that in this fragmented, polarized, if it feels good do it era that, bourgeois (or bourgie), now refers to anyone that ain't as cool as the individual wielding the word.  

At any rate, the profs define Bourgeois Culture, in the original op-ed, as...

                            Trigger Warning: Common Sense Ahead

Reading the next paragraph might result in an overwhelming urge to set your university, your neighborhood, or even sweet Mrs. McGillicuddy's bourgie house on fire (she's the widow that lives in the house on the corner who's apparently obsessed with cheap lawn ornaments who gives out full-size candy bars on Halloween). Brace yourself. You may need a comfort animal, or at least a coloring book.

"Get married before you have children and strive to stay married for their sake. Get the education you need for gainful employment, work hard, and avoid idleness. Go the extra mile for your employer or client. Be a patriot, ready to serve the country. Be neighborly, civic-minded, and charitable. Avoid coarse language in public. Be respectful of authority. Eschew substance abuse and crime."

[My Dear Stickies, reread till this paragraph is burned into your brain.]

Whereupon...

The International Union of Professional Perpetually Protesting Protesters & Perpetual Victims of This, That and the Other Thing (IUPPPP & PVTTOT) mobilized and attacked on all fronts.

Whereupon...

Ms. Mac Donald wrote an article about all the abuse heaped upon said profs, these modern-day corruptors of the yutes of Athens (or rather, the yutes of State College, Pa and San Diego, Ca.).

"Half of Ms. Wax’s law-faculty colleagues signed an open letter denouncing her piece and calling on students to report any 'bias or stereotype' they encounter 'at Penn Law ' (e.g., in Ms. Wax’s classroom). Student and alumni petitions poured forth accusing Ms. Wax of white supremacy, misogyny and homophobia and demanding that she be banned from teaching first-year law classes."

"The dean of USD's law school, Stephen Ferruolo, issued a schoolwide memo repudiating Mr. Alexander's article and pledging new measures to compensate 'vulnerable, marginalized' students for the 'racial discrimination and cultural subordination' they experience."

Whereupon...

Ms. Wax wrote about her take on the wailing and teeth gnashing she and Mr. Alexander had provoked. She points out that all of the attacks directed at her were directed at her, personally. And emotionally. And irrationally. Etceterally.

"Academic institutions should be places where people are free to think and reason about important questions and issues that affect our society and our way of life -- something not possible in today's atmosphere of enforced orthodoxy."

The bearers of torches and pitchforks saw no need to logically refute her arguments. She's an insensitive bitch for even bringing up the subject. If would be lawyers are absorbing crap like this in law school, that explains a lot. Poppa loves you.

Have an OK day.

[P.S. Gentlereaders, for 25¢ a week, no, seriously, for 25¢ a week you can become a Patron of this weekly column and help to prevent an old crank from running the streets at night in search of cheap thrills and ill-gotten gains.

If there are some readers out there that think my shtuff is worth a buck or three a month, color me honored, and grateful. Regardless, if you like it, could you please share it? There are buttons at the end of every column.]

©2017 Mark Mehlmauer   (The Flyoverland Crank)

If you're reading this on my website (where there are tons of older columns, a glossary, and other goodies) and if you wish to react (way cooler than liking) -- please scroll down.

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Mexico

If you're new here, this is a weekly column consisting of letters written to my grandchildren (who exist) and my great-grandchildren (who aren't here yet) -- the Stickies -- to haunt them after they become grups and/or I'm dead.

[Blogaramians: Blogarama renders the links in my columns useless. Please click on View Original to solve the problem and access lotsa columns.]

                HAVE YOU EXPLORED THE INTELECTUAL DARK WEB?

Irregularly Appearing Imaginary Guest Stars

Marie-Louise -- My beautiful muse (right shoulder) and back scratcher 

Iggy -- My designated Sticky

Dana -- My designated gentlereader (left shoulder)

               "Wal-mart... do they like, make walls there?" -Paris Hilton

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies & Great-grandstickies,

When I become king I'm going to declare war on the United Mexican States. I'm (reluctantly) prepared to do what it takes to save us from them and them from us. 

While going to war to save a given us from a given them, or a given them from themselves, is a time-honored tradition, I'll betcha a bottle-a-pop that invading another country to save it from the folks doing the invading is rare, if not altogether unheard of. 

Now, Mexico (and points south), historically and currently speaking, has suffered no shortage of problems that has kept its people from achieving, overall, the level of freedom, security, and prosperity enjoyed by those residing north of the Rio Grande river. 

Whoa, wait a sec'! I sense a disturbance in a vague, ill-defined cinematic sleight of hand designed to invoke something transcendent without sweating the details The Force.        

Dana appears at my left shoulder, Marie-Louise at my right. Iggy wanders in playing a game on his phone, bumps into the back of my chair, looks up, mutters an apology(?), somehow floats to the floor while simultaneously assuming a crossed legged posture, thumbs flying, without ever looking up from the game.

[Wait just a minute, bucko, you can't willy-nilly lump together the people and history of South America and a third of North America in a single sentence. I...]

Calm down, Dana, and listen up. The paragraph above is a vast oversimplification and generalization, containing just two of my many charming eccentric characteristics. Everyone knows, as the immortal Mark Twain taught us, "all generalizations are false, including this one." Furthermore, oversimplification, generalization, and for that matter, hyperbole, are covered under the terms of my poetic license. See Part 4, subsection C, paragraph 3 (Lic. #1234567-allgoodchildrengotoheaven).

Brace yourselves! generalizations are popping up all over the place -- I'm certain that most folks are smarter than the Social Justice Warrior/purveyors of political correctness types are capable of grasping. Watch out! here comes another one -- most SJWs are primarily equal parts arrogance and resentment; Justice is the title of their cover story.    

Marie-Louise starts scratching my back. She lets her fingernails do the talking.   

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the impending invasion liberation of Mexico.


Mexico has come a long way since the implementation of NAFTA. So have we. So has Canada. No, this isn't going to be a column about why free trade works the best for the most. However, as far as I know, there's no such thing as a _______ First movement. Please insert the name of your home state, any state really, into the space provided.

Ohio ain't threatening to stop trading with Pennsylvania unless they get a better deal.

If we liberate annex Mexico we can add several new states to the republic. There will have to be considerable consolidation; Mexico currently has too many states given its size.

Perhaps this will serve to motivate certain rust encrusted states north of the Mason-Dixon to pursue the consolidation of way too many local fiefdoms for the sake of efficiency, as they're doing in the vibrant/prosperous South.

Hey, maybe people will rediscover the Constitution and the fact that all powers not specifically granted to The Gummit are the province of the states and...

[Dude, are you trying to get us placed under surveillance?]

Sorry, Dana, you're right, I got carried away. Baby steps.

We'll increase our population (and unfettered potential customers) by about 125,000,000 souls. BAM! (HT: Emeril Lagasse) -- everyone's legal and everyone's already here.

Then we build a wall, a smart wall, and everybody pays for it.


[Iggy looks up for one, brief, shining moment and poses some thoughtful questions, although the opposable thumbs never stop flying, don't even slow down. If we're going to annex Mexico consolidate our two republics why do we, like, need a wall? And whaddya mean, smart wall?]

Well, a smart wall will include cutting-edge tech (think drones, cameras and the like) with some physical barriers jointly designed by a team of technologists, architects, engineers and psychologists.

Since there are always multiple ways to go over/under/around and through physical walls, effective psychological walls are just as important. For example, if you create walls that don't even exist, in peoples minds, you can accomplish some amazing things -- like getting elected president of the United States.

As to why we'll need a wall a'tall y'all, we'll need one across the Southern border of Mexico, It'll be much shorter, thus cheaper to build and easier to man person. Having learned nothing from Prohibition 1, we're not about to repeal Prohibition 2 in spite of all evidence to the contrary. The "war on drugs" is a jobs program for the gummits, The Gummit, and support industries.

Even a king, particularly a benevolent despot, should think twice about messing with gummit employee unions if he wants to keep his head.

Afghanistan and Drug Cartels

There's more. We need to acknowledge that Afghanistan is indeed the graveyard of empires, declare victory, and leave. Otherwise, we might still be involved when my Great-Grandstickies are reading this. Nation building, particularly in the Fever Swamps (HT: George Will) of the Middle-East, is an exercise in perpetual futility.

Morale-wise, considering the considerable amount of expended blood, treasure, and mental health, it's going to sting. So let's pull the men and women of the best military the world has ever seen out of Bezerkistan and let 'em liberate the people of Mexico from the oligarchs and famously corrupt politicians in general, and the money-grubbing, bloodthirsty cartels in particular.

I invite the Mexican military to band with us to destroy the cartels and free the people. Think about it, drug prices north of the Rio Grande will go through the roof, payback to the drug-loving gringos that have helped to generate a good deal of the violence and death in your country. Win/Win.

Finally, Mexico has plenty of oil/natural gas and plenty of sunshine. Perhaps the renewable energy types can prove their case without billions of dollars in subsidies from the gummits and The Gummit. If not, Mexico has plenty of oil/natural gas. Poppa loves you.

Have an OK day.


[P.S. Gentlereaders, for 25¢ a week, no, seriously, for 25¢ a week you can become a Patron of this weekly column and help to prevent an old crank from running the streets at night in search of cheap thrills and ill-gotten gains.

If there are some readers out there that think my shtuff is worth a buck or three a month, color me honored, and grateful. Regardless, if you like it, could you please share it? There are buttons at the end of every column.]


©2018 Mark Mehlmauer   (The Flyoverland Crank)

If you're reading this on my website (where there are tons of older columns, a glossary, and other goodies) and if you wish to react (way cooler than liking) -- please scroll down.