I have a fondness for words that I've either stumbled on, created, or distorted that may not be available in your preferred dictionary, be it in either an electronic or dead trees format. Here, for your edification, and for new readers is a list, with definitions and commentary.

Update: 7.7.17 -- In the course of updating this page I've noticed that some of the words I've listed here haven't been used in quite some time. I've decided to leave 'em in place for possible future use and even if I just like the word or the entry 'cause that's how I roll (you've been warned).

39: 39 is the new __. Hey, it worked for Jack Benny.

Bigfeets: Plural of Bigfoot, legendary creature that exists primarily in the minds of people that are fans of certain late night radio shows and the people who make a living from them. In my world, it serves two purposes. First, just the sound of it is funny. Second, it's my all-purpose word for, um, interesting individuals that may be more high functioning chimpanzees than H. sapiens. Hey, it's just occurred to me that we're all (well, most of us) Homos. If you're gay please feel free to use the expression on protest signs or banners at gay pride parades. Suggested wording: We're All Homo (sapiens)!

Black and White Ages: The world prior to 1965. This phrase developed out of my habit of referring to my kid and callowyute stages as the Dark Ages. That is to say, I recognize that to the Stickies, or my daughter and son-in-law for that matter, any period of my life that occurred before they were born would seem like ancient history or, "the Dark Ages".

When my daughter was very young she refused to watch anything filmed in black and white. From her perspective it was not only old, and probably irrelevant, it looked old (and depressing).

It also handily illustrates my contention that the age we're currently living in began, more or less, in 1965. This was roughly when, in the USA at least, the cultural consensus -- many of us viewing many things in a black and white way -- began fragmenting.

Bonkercockie: Bonkercockie means the same as BS, at least in my world. If you google it you will discover the inventor attributes other meanings to it as well.

Callowyutes: Combination of the word callow, which according to Merriam-Webster is a "young person who does not have much experience and does not know how to behave the way grownups grups behave," -- and yutes. Yutes is how Vinny pronounces the word youths in "My Cousin Vinny."

Citizens of the Republic: Way cooler than dudes and dudettes. Serves to subliminally (shh, don't tell anyone) remind my gentlereaders (scroll down) we don't live in a democracy (a mild obsession of mine) and set the stage for my eventual benevolent monarchy (Kings talk like that) -- the worlds first genuine democratic republic with a king (it's complicated...).

Crapstorm: Means what you probably think it does. Alternative expression: When the excrement hits the air conditioning.

Dizzinformation Age: I firmly maintain that it's not actually the information age.

Dizzinformation Anxiety Syndrome: The fear that you might miss/have missed/are missing a highly important bit dollop of information

Dizzinformation Syndrome: I define dizzinformation syndrome as, simply, dizzy from too much information -- correct, incorrect, or, worst of all, contradictory. 

Enlightened Infotainment: To quote myself (humor me, it's not as if anyone else is going around quoting me), "The current, apparently highly popular, practice of talking heads yelling at each other on TV, or at everyone else via the internet, is not enlightened discussion, it's lowest common denominator infotainment. This blog strives to create a hybrid, Enlightened Infotainment. From  "Please Read This If You're New Here."

GFBL: Gut first, brain later. A phrase that neatly sums up, and vastly oversimplifies, a concept promulgated by several scientific disciplines that Homo sapiens react instinctively, intuitively, automatically etc. first and rationally (hopefully) later. I claim credit/blame for this one -- the acronym and the phrase, not the concept.  I may have to rename or abandon it if it's confused with the enteric nervous system.

Geeze: Correct spelling of the word sometimes rendered as Jeeze. Short for gee (or golly gee) whiz. No longer short for what you might think it is by order of King Crank the First. (Scroll down to the end of the column.)

Gentlereader(s): Gentle reader is an archaic literary convention used by authors in the past when they wished to address a reader directly. Having fallen out of favor, I've hijacked it and turned it into one word.

Incidentally, when I write, Dana, my imaginary gentlereader, peers over my left shoulder to remind me to write for real people that live in the real world. My right shoulder is reserved for my beautiful muse, Marie-Louise (pronounced Mah-ree'-Loo-eeze, and with a French accent if you can do a credible one) who is left handed and prefers to be on that side so that she can scratch my back when I please her.

Finally, Iggy, my imaginary grandsticky, also often stops by.

Grups: Grownups. Stolen borrowed from "Miri," an episode from the first season of Star Trek starring Kim Darby with whom I didn't have an affair with in the 70s.

HT: Hat tip. "Abbreviation for 'hat tip'. Frequently used in blog postings to indicate the gratitude of the poster towards someone who drew his attention to or provided him with information relevant to the post." -Urban Dictionary

Have an OK Day: This is from a post titled When When I'm the King of America that explains why I prefer OK days to nice days.

Hi-LAR-ious: A variation of hilarious indicating sarcasm. That is, not actually amusing. Pronounced any way you like as long as you over accent the second syllable. Most effective when rendered in singsong. (HT: BR)

Hooplehead: Uncertain etymology. Used by David Milch, in the best TV show of all time, Deadwood, to mean fool, dope, hick, sucker, etc. I extend the definition to include the terminally un-cool and the clueless.

Humbug Alert (HA): According to Wikipedia a humbug is: "... a person or object that behaves in a deceptive or dishonest way, often as a hoax or in jest." Google P.T. Barnum, the Prince of Humbugs. A humbug alert is a proactive defense measure. There are trolls, biased fact-checkers, the humor-challenged and I don't know who/what all hiding behind every rock and waiting to pounce. Careful.

Ishkabibble: Out of date slang that means no worries (what, me worry?), or who cares? or -- like, whatever!

King Cranks Medal of Common Sense: When I become the King of America this will the be my version of the Presidential Medal of Freedom. I've no plans to eliminate the presidential version, or even the office of POTUS; I will be a most(ly) benevolent tyrant. Please refer to columns titled, "When I'm the King of America," for details.

the Secret of Life: The secret of life, for H. sapiens on the planet Earth anyway, is accepting that so-called real life is just high school with money. This is my variant, and I don't even know if it's original to me, of an aphorism used by many, in many different ways, and in many different contexts. A blue-ribbon panel will also be charged with trying to discover if any one person can be credited with creating this aphorism so they may also be awarded the King Cranks Medal of Common Sense. All decisions of your friendly neighborhood benevolent tyrant are final.

Also, it's the title and subject of an entire column, The Secret of Life.

Semi-Humble: I often use this phrase followed by the word opinion because in my semi-humble opinion I wouldn't be expressing my opinions via the internet (potential audience, everyone on the planet Earth) if I were truly humble. Were I truly humble I would probably be pursuing enlightenment in a Taoist monastery. The primary reason I'm not is because one of my prime directives just now is to do what I can to help provide for the Stickies and teach them everything I wish someone had taught me.

My parents did what they could but didn't live long enough for me to appreciate them so I couldn't ask all the many questions I had once my extended callowyute stage finally ended and I became a grup. If I drop dead while writing this they, and my daughter and son-in-law may someday find answers to questions they haven't thought of yet in my feeble scribbles.

Sexy Seasoned Citizen or SSC: Callowyutes should strive to become grups. Grups should strive to become sexy seasoned citizens. It must be noted that these designations are not necessarily dependent on chronological age. I know chronologically young callowyutes that are, or at least occasionally are, grups. I know alleged grups that think they are true grups but are primarily callowyutish in nature.

Sexy seasoned citizens know who they are and can usually spot other SSCs, but are often invisible to callowyutes and grups. Or, while they may pick up on something that's different about these grups of the first rank, often as not, theirs is at best a limited understanding. Also, sexy does not necessarily refer to physical attractiveness or level of activity. Some have, and indulge, a normal to strong sex drive. Others are longer particularly interested in sex, in some cases never have been.

To a mathematician, an elegant equation can be sexy. Sexy (in SSC) means quality, wisdom, self-awareness, gravitas, reliable, minimal drama, smart and sly (often in a way most non-SSC's can't grasp). Ancient Greeks called it arete (virtue, excellence). Virtue, in this case, meaning fulfillment of potential.

Shtuff: Shtuff is the word you get when you combine a vulgar term for excrement with the word stuff, to take the edge off of the vulgar word while simultaneously empowering the word stuff.

Snificant other: A corruption of significant other. The phrase, significant other seems to be waiting around every corner, and anxious to say hello, not just when I'm reading but also when I'm processing video input as well. I'm not certain, but I think it's a coping mechanism that originated in my subconscious. Also, it just feels and sounds, right.

Snowflakes: Individuals whose psyches have been corrupted by being awarded participation/ everyone's a winner/everyone gets a prize trophies and who use terms such as microaggression and safe-space, and sign petitions calling for the rewriting of the first amendment with a straight face. When I'm king I plan to appoint a blue-ribbon panel whose purpose is to discover if the person that first used the word in this context can be discovered in order to award them the Presidential Medal of Freedom King Cranks Medal of Common Sense.

Strategery: Nope, it's not strategy spelled wrong. Will Ferrell, (playing Bush, Dubya, in case you missed it) made the word famous when he used it in a Saturday Night Live sketch that satirized the Bush/Gore presidential debates. It became so popular it was used by people in the Dubya administration. I use it for the same reason they did, it's funny.

Sucks Sweaty Socks: Means exactly what you think it means. I've no idea where I got this one but I'm certain I didn't originate the term. Unfortunately, when researching the term before adding it to this glossary, I stumbled on the fact that it has sexual fetish connotations, which sucks some of the fun out of it as far as I'm concerned. However, to me, it means the exact same thing as saying that something sucks, but it sounds less harsh.

The Gummit: The federal government of the United States.

the gummit: State and local government entities in the United States.

The Stickies: This is the word I use for my grandkids as a group. I started thinking of them as a group almost a decade ago when my daughter and her two sons married my son-in-law and his two daughters and we became a sort of new millennial version of the Brady Bunch. I play the zany grandfather that lives in the attic a secret lair. Hey! it's a finished attic and there's no lock on the outside of the door.

Tralfamadore: Home planet of the aliens that briefly abducted me; referenced by Kurt Vonnegut in several of his novels. Their idea of probing is to conduct friendly interviews facilitated by serving their guests warm, homemade, chewy chocolate brownies swirled with peanut butter and washed down with ice-cold whole milk.

Vast Right Wing Conspiracy or VRWC: Disclosed by Hillary Clinton on the today show, 1.27.98. She explained to the nation that Slick Willie was not the Pedophile-In-Chief, as Newsweek had discovered (though they sat on the story until Matt Drudge leaked it). See, it was all just part of a vast right-wing conspiracy that was out to get Slick Willie by claiming he had a long history of abusing (and in at least one instance raping) women.

After many years of playing a key role in discrediting the bogus claims of these strumpets (google the phrase bimbo eruptions) she had finally had enough and revealed the conspiracy to a grateful nation. The Billary, who later morphed into the Hilliam, was able to ultimately prevail in spite of the fact these were world-class blackguards. No one has ever been able to figure out how they managed to transfer some of Slick Willies, um, DNA to Monica Lewinsky's famous blue dress, or even who they were.

Unable to find any trace of these evil clowns me and some buddies thought it would fun to start a club called the VRWC as we're all unrepentant center-right old dudes too far gone to embrace socialism or presidential candidates that are feminists of convenience. We have no problem with real feminists as long as they have a sense of humor and choose to live in the real world. We also have a female auxiliary because they refuse to share a clubhouse with us (some nonsense about toilet seats, among other things) who claim that we're their auxiliary.

Have an OK day.

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  1. I must reiterate, again, I'm a fan for as long as a ball of string. Like same sense of everything that is...Did i say reiterate?...Post you soon,
    Regards, D.B Vancouver

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