Saturday, February 10, 2018


If you're new here, this is a weekly column consisting of letters written to my grandchildren (who exist) and my great-grandchildren (who aren't here yet) -- the Stickies -- to haunt them after they become grups and/or I'm dead.

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Irregularly Appearing Imaginary Guest Stars
Marie-Louise -- My beautiful muse (right shoulder) and back scratcher 
Iggy -- My designated Sticky
Dana -- My designated gentlereader (left shoulder)

               "Wal-mart... do they like, make walls there?" -Paris Hilton

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies & Great-grandstickies,

When I become king I'm going to declare war on the United Mexican States. I'm (reluctantly) prepared to do what it takes to save us from them and them from us. 

While going to war to save a given us from a given them, or a given them from themselves, is a time-honored tradition, I'll betcha a bottle-a-pop that invading another country to save it from the folks doing the invading is rare, if not altogether unheard of. 

Now, Mexico (and points south), historically and currently speaking, has suffered no shortage of problems that has kept its people from achieving, overall, the level of freedom, security, and prosperity enjoyed by those residing north of the Rio Grande river. 

Whoa, wait a sec'! I sense a disturbance in a vague, ill-defined cinematic sleight of hand designed to invoke something transcendent without sweating the details The Force.        

Dana appears at my left shoulder, Marie-Louise at my right. Iggy wanders in playing a game on his phone, bumps into the back of my chair, looks up, mutters an apology(?), somehow floats to the floor while simultaneously assuming a crossed legged posture, thumbs flying, without ever looking up from the game.

[Wait just a minute, bucko, you can't willy-nilly lump together the people and history of South America and a third of North America in a single sentence. I...]

Calm down, Dana, and listen up. The paragraph above is a vast oversimplification and generalization, containing just two of my many charming eccentric characteristics. Everyone knows, as the immortal Mark Twain taught us, "all generalizations are false, including this one." Furthermore, oversimplification, generalization, and for that matter, hyperbole, are covered under the terms of my poetic license. See Part 4, subsection C, paragraph 3 (Lic. #1234567-allgoodchildrengotoheaven).

Brace yourselves! generalizations are popping up all over the place -- I'm certain that most folks are smarter than the Social Justice Warrior/purveyors of political correctness types are capable of grasping. Watch out! here comes another one -- most SJWs are primarily equal parts arrogance and resentment; Justice is the title of their cover story.    

Marie-Louise starts scratching my back. She lets her fingernails do the talking.   

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the impending invasion liberation of Mexico.

Mexico has come a long way since the implementation of NAFTA. So have we. So has Canada. No, this isn't going to be a column about why free trade works the best for the most. However, as far as I know, there's no such thing as a _______ First movement. Please insert the name of your home state, any state really, into the space provided.

Ohio ain't threatening to stop trading with Pennsylvania unless they get a better deal.

If we liberate annex Mexico we can add several new states to the republic. There will have to be considerable consolidation; Mexico currently has too many states given its size.

Perhaps this will serve to motivate certain rust encrusted states north of the Mason-Dixon to pursue the consolidation of way too many local fiefdoms for the sake of efficiency, as they're doing in the vibrant/prosperous South.

Hey, maybe people will rediscover the Constitution and the fact that all powers not specifically granted to The Gummit are the province of the states and...

[Dude, are you trying to get us placed under surveillance?]

Sorry, Dana, you're right, I got carried away. Baby steps.

We'll increase our population (and unfettered potential customers) by about 125,000,000 souls. BAM! (HT: Emeril Lagasse) -- everyone's legal and everyone's already here.

Then we build a wall, a smart wall, and everybody pays for it.

[Iggy looks up for one, brief, shining moment and poses some thoughtful questions, although the opposable thumbs never stop flying, don't even slow down. If we're going to annex Mexico consolidate our two republics why do we, like, need a wall? And whaddya mean, smart wall?]

Well, a smart wall will include cutting-edge tech (think drones, cameras and the like) with some physical barriers jointly designed by a team of technologists, architects, engineers and psychologists.

Since there are always multiple ways to go over/under/around and through physical walls, effective psychological walls are just as important. For example, if you create walls that don't even exist, in peoples minds, you can accomplish some amazing things -- like getting elected president of the United States.

As to why we'll need a wall a'tall y'all, we'll need one across the Southern border of Mexico, It'll be much shorter, thus cheaper to build and easier to man person. Having learned nothing from Prohibition 1, we're not about to repeal Prohibition 2 in spite of all evidence to the contrary. The "war on drugs" is a jobs program for the gummits, The Gummit, and support industries.

Even a king, particularly a benevolent despot, should think twice about messing with gummit employee unions if he wants to keep his head.

Afghanistan and Drug Cartels

There's more. We need to acknowledge that Afghanistan is indeed the graveyard of empires, declare victory, and leave. Otherwise, we might still be involved when my Great-Grandstickies are reading this. Nation building, particularly in the Fever Swamps (HT: George Will) of the Middle-East, is an exercise in perpetual futility.

Morale-wise, considering the considerable amount of expended blood, treasure, and mental health, it's going to sting. So let's pull the men and women of the best military the world has ever seen out of Bezerkistan and let 'em liberate the people of Mexico from the oligarchs and famously corrupt politicians in general, and the money-grubbing, bloodthirsty cartels in particular.

I invite the Mexican military to band with us to destroy the cartels and free the people. Think about it, drug prices north of the Rio Grande will go through the roof, payback to the drug-loving gringos that have helped to generate a good deal of the violence and death in your country. Win/Win.

Finally, Mexico has plenty of oil/natural gas and plenty of sunshine. Perhaps the renewable energy types can prove their case without billions of dollars in subsidies from the gummits and The Gummit. If not, Mexico has plenty of oil/natural gas. Poppa loves you.

Have an OK day.

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©2018 Mark Mehlmauer   (The Flyoverland Crank)

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