How the Grinches Killed the Cat in the Hat

Image by Clark Keng from Pixabay 

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.

Please Note: If ya click on an Amazon ad, thus opening a portal to Amazon, and buy anything, Lord Jeffrey will toss a few pence in my direction and you won't have to feel guilty about enjoying my work — well, hopefully — for free. Win/Win.  

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"You can get help from teachers, but you are going to have to learn a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room." Dr. Seuss

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Please forgive me if you're tired of hearing about this tempest in a teapot but you might enjoy, or at least find my take on the crisis to be interesting/different.  

According to newspapers of record and websites of clickbait, Theodore Giesel's (Dr. Seuss) estate has awokened to the fact that six of the good doctor's books have run afoul of the Intersectional Inquisition.

For example, the following is the lengthy subheadline of a New York Times story.

"The company that oversees the children’s author’s estate said that the titles contained depictions of groups that were 'hurtful and wrong.'"

Being a slightly cynical shabby shoe-wearing SOB, whose well-worn shoes got that way from repeated trips around the block, I confess I immediately jumped to an incorrect conclusion. 

I bet myself (I'll bet that...) there's a California mansion dwelling, carbon offset buying vegan with a Tesla Model S, a well-fed trust fund, and an MFA (Master of Fine Arts) in creative writing that's been writing the next great American novel for at least a decade — a relative born after the great man died — pulling levers and pushing buttons behind an artisanal, organic cotton curtain.  

But I was completely wrong. I went a-googlin' and discovered two things. 

First, some version of the "oversees the children's author's estate" line turns up here, there, and even way over there. 

Second, that in reality there is no company that carefully oversees Mr. Gisel's estate and who has suddenly discovered that the beloved children's author has been corrupting America's youth for multiple decades. 

And,

Who apparently was a popular propagandist for the American Pasty Patriarchy that established a nation based on slavery and racism in 1619. 

Nope-nope-nope. 

There's just a large, profit-seeking company (Random House) that's owned by another large, profit-seeking company (Penguin Random House) that's owned by a hooge, privately owned, multinational conglomerate (Bertelsmann).  

[Wait-wait-wait. What about Dr. Seuss Enterprises? Many of those articles you refer to mention Dr. Seuss Enterprises.]  

Long story short, Dana:

- Mr. Geisel died in 1991. 

- Dr. Seuss Enterprises L.P. was founded by Mr. Geisel's widow in 1993. The couple had no kids. 

- Ms. Geisel sold her off her rights to "Living Books" (Random House Inc. and Broderbund Software Inc.) in 1994.

- Random House bought out Broderbund in 1997.  

- Randon House, a large, profit-seeking company that... well, we already know the rest.

Dr. Seuss Enterprises is just a division of a division of of a division of Bertelsmann AG. There is no "estate" headquartered in Whoville or anywhere else. 

There is, of course, a website, seussville.com. If ya click on the News and Events tab, you'll find the Statement From Dr. Seuss Enterprises that was released on 3/2/21 (Geisel's birthday) that kicked off the current kerfuffle.  

A  statement from the statement, "...Dr. Seuss Enterprises, working with a panel of experts, including educators, reviewed our catalog of titles and made the decision last year to cease publication and licensing of the following titles..." does not include any information as to just who these experts are, or why they were convened in the first place.

Googlin' the phrase Dr. Seuss and panel of experts, or something like it, returns a gazillion hits. Unfortunately, they're all for sources that mention the mysterious panel of experts without identifying the members of the powerful panel. 

My research department's repeated attempts to contact Dr. Seuss Enterprises for an answer to this question provided no...

[You made that up!]

Yes, I did.  

But you'd think/hope that some reporter from a newspaper of record or a website of clickbait would've asked the obvious question. Once again I bet myself (I'll bet that...) there's likely a panel of lawyers that urged preemptively jumping on the corporate wokewagon.

I was unable to confirm my suspicions but I did find an interesting article on NPR's website, on a page titled CODE SW!TCH - RACE. IN YOUR FACE. (Your donations and tax dollars at work.) 

The article mentions that the Read Across America program of America's largest labor union and nemesis of charter schools, the awokened National Education Association, figured out that that cat in a hat was a thinly disguised caucasian cat in blackface back in 2017, and had it euthanized. 

Perhaps the NEA supplied some experts for the panel of experts that "included educators" and I'm wrong yet again. If so, I hope that Dr. Seuss Enterprises will forgive me.

    

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Share this column, give me a thumb (up or in my eye), and/or access older columns below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with PayPal or plastic.    

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Social Media

                                         Image by mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.

Please Note: If ya click on an Amazon ad, thus opening a portal to Amazon, and buy anything, Lord Jeffrey will toss a few pence in my direction and you won't have to feel guilty about enjoying my work — well, hopefully — for free. Win/Win.  

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"The thought that so many people get their news from social media really is scary." - Rush Limbaugh

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

If Mark, Sundar, Jack, Jeff, et al. actually wanted to make social media and the world a better place, a much better place, they could do so simply by verifying who's actually posting a given post. 

When I was a kid I wrote a letter to the editor of the now-defunct Pittsburgh Press stating that the paper should expand its op/ed pages to include more op/eds, particularly the work of columnists.

[You were a, um... unusual little dude weren't you?]

So I've been told.

I don't remember anything about how they went about verifying I was me but I do remember the paper's policy was that any given letter to the editor, if the author wished it to be published, required such a verification. Each published letter included the writer's name and what neighborhood or suburb they were from. 

Imagine what Twitter, or Facebook's comment section, for example, would be like if participating H. sapiens had to signup, and be verified, before tweeting or commenting?

Before proceeding, I must acknowledge that I came across this idea, one of those why didn't I think of that it's such an obvious solution sort of ideas, in one of Andy Kessler's weekly Inside View columns in the Wall Street Journal.

[Before proceeding, I must point out that since you're slightly obsessed with your personal privacy, and that Marcus Mehlmar isn't even your real name, you're not making much sense.] 

For the record, Dana, the name on my birth certificate is Mark Mehlmauer. I'm not hiding, My nom de plume aesthetically pleases me. 

[I'll bet you drink your tea with an extended pinky.]

I consume my go-to beverage — decaffeinated, sugar-free, ginseng added, iced green tea — in a heavy, toxically masculine mug, pinky retracted, thank you very much.

Mr. Kessler pointed out that if one had to admit to who (whom? I can never... nevermind) one was, the average H. Sapien might be a bit more circumspect when posting one's thoughts for the whole world to see.

The primary benefit, in my semi-humble estimation, is that Mark, Sundar, Jack, Jeff, et al. would hate it.  The inventory of one of the Billionaire Boys Clubs' most lucrative products (surreptitiously harvested consumer data) would be greatly reduced.

But far less content moderation would be needed and it would be harder for cellar-dwellers — and the minions of China's Emperor Xi, the warped fat-ass that runs North Korea, and the Pooteen — to manipulate useful idiots all over the globe. 

[I don't think you're allowed to say fat-ass, isn't that a thought crime? It's certainly not very gentlepersonly.]

I agree that it's not a phrase a gentleperson should deploy carelessly, however, there's a fat-ass dick-tater that presides over a starving citizenry exception. Also, Wokie dogma permits members of a given victim group to refer to others in the same victim group by commonly used epithets.

For example, since I'm a fat-ass and a geezer, I'm entitled to use both of those words.  

   

Mr. Kessler points out that businesses that advertise on the internet would love carefully registered users. They would know who they were actually trying to appeal to.

While we're at it... If I were king, or even just an executive order happy president, I'd order that people could easily opt-out of being tracked and having their data sold to whoever is willing to pay the price. 

By easily I mean not having to deal with buckets of... bafflegab composed by legions of lawyers. I'd also order that updates to site policies would be written in everyday language and that users would have to sign off on them.

[This is madness! If this sort of thing was implemented...]   

Big Tech, saturated with alleged Wokies, would be forced to stop claiming they're a force for social justice while simultaneously picking the publics' pockets. 

[What about free speech?] 

What about the fact the social media sites claim they can censor as they please since they're businesses, not The Fedrl Gummit? What about the fact certain ginormous, globe-straddling corporations have the power to shape global public opinion in ways the fat-ass from North Korea can only dream of?

What about the fact the social media giants could offer both a version of their sites for civilized gentlepersons not afraid to admit who they are and the version they offer now? 

And/or, 

A (mostly) uncensored third version (nothing currently illegal and no doxing) wherein all the whack jobs and would-be revolutionaries can wage virtual war, gleefully oblivious to normal, well-adjusted gentlepersons — who could follow them for the entertainment value. 

Speaking of dick-taters... 

                           Source unknown - meme banned by the Emperor 

While the Wokies were busy exposing Dr. Seuss for the depraved monster he actually was and the exiled Harrymeghan was scraping by in California... 

"Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, checked into the Imaginarium, along with their TV interview host and fellow Montecito mansion-dweller Oprah Winfrey.     

The royal couple’s new $15 million home is not far from Oprah’s $90 million estate. Recently in an interview, the two detailed all the racial slights they suffered from the apparently inveterate racist British royal family."

Emperor Xi's National Peoples Congress voted, 2,895 to 0, that going forward, only Chinese "patriots" (people of proven loyalty to both China and the Chinese Communist Party) can run for office in Hong Kong.

No comments so far from either the NBA or LeBron James.

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Share this column, give me a thumb (up or in my eye), and/or access older columns below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with PayPal or plastic.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.  

  

Show Me the (Covid Relief) Money!

 With apologies to my progeny

                                            Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay 

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.

Please Note: If ya click on an Amazon ad, thus opening a portal to Amazon, and buy anything, Lord Jeffrey will toss a few pence in my direction and you won't have to feel guilty about enjoying my work — well, hopefully — for free. Win/Win.  

About 

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances." -Gracie Allen

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

I'm fiscally conservative. It's a tenet of my neo-neoconservatism. However, being a gentlemanperson of leisure...

[A retired dude.]

Whose raison d֓etre is my art, that is to say, this weekly column, I still must do what is necessary to keep the wolf from the door if I'm to have the time, energy, and motivation to do my work.

[Art huh?]

Mine is a modest, fixed income... 

[Some would say pathetic.]

And if not for the fact that the costs of maintaining Casa de Chaos are nowadays primarily borne by my dutiful, beautiful daughter and saintly son-in-law...

[Are they talking about abandoning you in the deep woods again?]

I might be living in some high-rise storage facility for senior citizens.

[The game ain't over yet, Sparky.]

I will happily accept my $1,400 tranche of Covid Relief semi-funny money despite the fact it's being charged to the national no-limit credit card that my progeny will be paying off in perpetuity... assuming the economy doesn't collapse and we become America the Bankrupt. 

(Does the global economy include provisions for bankruptcy by the nation that's been carrying so many others on its back for so long?)

If and when the money arrives — never count your stimulus money till your bank sends ya an email  — I'm planning on funding a banquet for my freakishly large household consisting of McDonald's Dinner Boxes and Kool-Aid to take the edge off of my guilt.

[Your generosity is breathtaking.]

Fine then, Dana. I'll make it Hawaiian Punch. I may even go pick up the feast myself to lessen the chance the Frankin-fries cool off to the point wherein they revert to plastic. 

 

Speaking of McDonald's, I highly recommend a movie called The Founder. It's about Ray Kroc, the slightly less than gentleperson that ripped off the McDonald brothers and became the "founder" of Mickey Ds. 

In one scene in the movie, Mr. Kroc is arguing with the brothers because he wants to replace real milkshakes with milkshakes made from powder. One of them asks what's next, Ray, frozen french fries?

Meanwhile, back in the swamp...

The Depublicans are assembling a fresh care package to mitigate the effects of locking down the economy but the Republicrats have been locked out of this particular pork party. It's going to be delivered via a parliamentary maneuver called budget reconciliation. 

[Budget what?]

Well... all you really need to know is that Congress can get away with financial and procedural shenanigans that would get you and your accountant arrested,

And, 

The stimulus bill consists of roughly 628 pages of bafflegab that most of the people's representatives won't bother to read. 

   

I had hoped that the proposed amendment to the bill by Depublicrat Representative Paul Gosar of Arizona — given all the coverage it received by our free and impartial press — might result in enough stimulus money to literally change the lives of many of me and many of my fellow Deporables and Bitter Clingers for the better. 

[Huh?]  

I can't believe you haven't heard about this, Dana. There was an interesting article about it in the English language version of Diario AS, a Spanish daily sports newspaper based in Madrid. 

Mr. Gosar's proposed amendment increased stimulus checks for the little people to $10,000 and would keep the cost of the bill (just a tad under $2,000,000,000,000) the same by cutting out... Well, here's a quote from the article. 

"Gosar’s amendment called for the removal of 10 agenda items out of the American Rescue Plan’s more than 200 sections, including funding for the arts, federal and corporate transit projects, 'vaccine confidence activities' and foreign aid."

[Wait a sec,' Paul Gosar... Isn't he the whack job whose siblings said he should be expelled from Congress?]  

Only three of them... One man'sperson's whack job is another man'sperson's colorful character, PO-tay-toe/PO-tah-toe. I still think it's a great idea. Surprisingly, the bill wasn't amended.

If all of the currently stimulus-qualified members of Casa de Chaos were to receive $10k each we could pay cash for that corner property for sale down the street and still have enough money left over to replace the roof and get some new furniture. 

I wonder if I can get paid to promote "vaccine confidence" to my fellow geezers/geezerettes/geezem out here in Flyoverland?        

This just in...

Last week's column was about Amazon quietly canceling a book it had been selling for three years without notification or explanation. Lord Jeffrey's minions have struck again. 

To celebrate Black History Month Amazon disappeared a documentary last month called Created Equal: Clarence Thomas In His Own Words that was a distillation of 30 hours of interviews with Justice Thomas. 

The documentary explores his journey from an impoverished descendant of slaves who first enjoyed the luxury of indoor plumbing at age seven, to a justice of the Supreme Court. 

It was Amazon's number one best-selling documentary for a minute or two before leveling off at around number 25. And then, at the beginning of February, it vanished. And just like the popular book that was the subject of last week's column it was disappeared, and Amazon won't say why. 

If the wacky Wokies keep this up... Well, the next thing you know they'll be canceling Dr. Seuss and banning his books in grade schools.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Share this column, give me a thumb (up or in my eye), and/or access older columns below. If my work pleases you you can buy me some cheap coffee with PayPal or plastic.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page.

Cranky don't tweet.