Friday, March 5, 2021

Show Me the (Covid Relief) Money!

 With apologies to my progeny

                                            Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay 

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.

Please Note: If ya click on an Amazon ad, thus opening a portal to Amazon, and buy anything, Lord Jeffrey will toss a few pence in my direction and you won't have to feel guilty about enjoying my work  well, hopefully  for free. Win/Win.  



Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlerreader

"This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances." -Gracie Allen

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

I'm fiscally conservative. It's a tenet of my neo-neoconservatism. However, being a gentlemanperson of leisure...

[A retired dude.]

Whose raison d֓etre is my art, that is to say, this weekly column, I still must do what is necessary to keep the wolf from the door if I'm to have the time, energy, and motivation to do my work.

[Art huh?]

Mine is a modest, fixed income... 

[Some would say pathetic.]

And if not for the fact that the costs of maintaining Casa de Chaos are nowadays primarily borne by my dutiful, beautiful daughter and saintly son-in-law...

[Are they talking about abandoning you in the deep woods again?]

I might be living in some high-rise storage facility for senior citizens.

[The game ain't over yet, Sparky.]

I will happily accept my $1,400 tranche of Covid Relief semi-funny money despite the fact it's being charged to the national no-limit credit card that my progeny will be paying off in perpetuity... assuming the economy doesn't collapse and we become America the Bankrupt. 

(Does the global economy include provisions for bankruptcy by the nation that's been carrying so many others on its back for so long?)

If and when the money arrives — never count your stimulus money till your bank sends ya an email  — I'm planning on funding a banquet for my freakishly large household consisting of McDonald's Dinner Boxes and Kool-Aid to take the edge off of my guilt.

[Your generosity is breathtaking.]

Fine then, Dana. I'll make it Hawaiian Punch. I may even go pick up the feast myself to lessen the chance the Frankin-fries cool off to the point wherein they revert to plastic. 

Speaking of McDonald's, I highly recommend a movie called The Founder. It's about Ray Kroc, the slightly less than gentleperson that ripped off the McDonald brothers and became the "founder" of Mickey Ds. 

In one scene in the movie, Mr. Kroc is arguing with the brothers because he wants to replace real milkshakes with milkshakes made from powder. One of them asks what's next, Ray, frozen french fries?

Meanwhile, back in the swamp...

The Depublicans are assembling a fresh care package to mitigate the effects of locking down the economy but the Republicrats have been locked out of this particular pork party. It's going to be delivered via a parliamentary maneuver called budget reconciliation. 

[Budget what?]

Well... all you really need to know is that Congress can get away with financial and procedural shenanigans that would get you and your accountant arrested,


The stimulus bill consists of roughly 628 pages of bafflegab that most of the people's representatives won't bother to read. 

I had hoped that the proposed amendment to the bill by Depublicrat Representative Paul Gosar of Arizona — given all the coverage it received by our free and impartial press — might result in enough stimulus money to literally change the lives of many of me and many of my fellow Deporables and Bitter Clingers for the better. 


I can't believe you haven't heard about this, Dana. There was an interesting article about it in the English language version of Diario AS, a Spanish daily sports newspaper based in Madrid. 

Mr. Gosar's proposed amendment increased stimulus checks for the little people to $10,000 and would keep the cost of the bill (just a tad under $2,000,000,000,000) the same by cutting out... Well, here's a quote from the article. 

"Gosar’s amendment called for the removal of 10 agenda items out of the American Rescue Plan’s more than 200 sections, including funding for the arts, federal and corporate transit projects, 'vaccine confidence activities' and foreign aid."

[Wait a sec,' Paul Gosar... Isn't he the whack job whose siblings said he should be expelled from Congress?]  

Only three of them... One man'sperson's whack job is another man'sperson's colorful character, PO-tay-toe/PO-tah-toe. I still think it's a great idea. Surprisingly, the bill wasn't amended.

If all of the currently stimulus-qualified members of Casa de Chaos were to receive $10k each we could pay cash for that corner property for sale down the street and still have enough money left over to replace the roof and get some new furniture. 

I wonder if I can get paid to promote "vaccine confidence" to my fellow geezers/geezerettes/geezem out here in Flyoverland?        

This just in...
Last week's column was about Amazon quietly canceling a book it had been selling for three years without notification or explanation. Lord Jeffrey's minions have struck again. 

To celebrate Black History Month Amazon disappeared a documentary last month called Created Equal: Clarence Thomas In His Own Words that was a distillation of 30 hours of interviews with Justice Thomas. 

The documentary explores his journey from an impoverished descendant of slaves who first enjoyed the luxury of indoor plumbing at age seven, to a justice of the Supreme Court. 

It was Amazon's number one best-selling documentary for a minute or two before leveling off at around number 25. And then, at the beginning of February, it vanished. And just like the popular book that was the subject of last week's column it was disappeared, and Amazon won't say why. 

If the wacky Wokies keep this up... Well, the next thing you know they'll be canceling Dr. Seuss and banning his books in grade schools.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

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