The endless summer is ending.
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“Two of my favorite things are sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe of sweet hemp and playing my Hohner harmonica.” -Abraham Lincoln (maybe...)
Dear Gentlereaders,
Coffee, it turns out, at least for now, is officially good for you in moderation. If you're unaware of this, or don't believe me, check out the Worldwide Web of Contradictory Knowledge (WWCK), or just ask your favorite artificial intelligence.
{What if a given gentlereader isn't online?}
Given that this column is published in cyberspace but not in meatspace, except for that one old Luddite trapped in a geezer storage unit in West Virginia (long story), this is a moot point. However...
{Wait-wait-wait. Whaddaya mean by "at least for now?"}
Well, Dana, even if you're not a current events/input junkie like me, you're likely to be aware that these sorts of pronouncements are subject to change when/if enough new studies come along to debunk the current orthodoxy.
"Trust the Science" should be rendered as trust the science but pay attention because the science is subject to change, particularly when it comes to food, drink, and psychology. For example, we recently went from moderate alcohol consumption is good for you to alcohol is poison in short order.
But for now, you can relax (if you haven't had too much coffee) and enjoy the fact that your coffee addiction isn't as problematic as you previously thought. Well, assuming, of course, that you're not consuming more than 400 milligrams of caffeine a day.
{400mg? Says who?}
There have been a lot of studies done, and "medical experts" seem to agree on that number, including the folks at the FDA. If you follow the link, you'll find a lengthy, highly detailed web page devoted to the subject.
Coffee-consuming consumers, most consumers I suspect, know what coffee jitters are. And given the popularity of "energy drinks," you don't have to be a coffee lover to know what consuming too much caffeine can do to your brain/body.
A good friend of mine thought he had consumed enough caffeine to accidentally kill himself several years ago when he and I were both still young enough to think we were bulletproof and ten feet tall.
Like I said, this was a very long time ago.
We were both Goody Bar men who worked out of a Good Humor depot in suburban Pittsburgh at the time. A Goody Bar man and/or a Goody Bar lady was an individual who was employed driving a Good Humor ice cream truck and sold, you guessed it, Goody Bars.
For the record, as far as I've been able to discover, the term Goody Bar was/is(?) a local Yinzer word for Good Humor Bars restricted to the greater Pittsburgh area, youse know what I mean?
{Cool, yet another column about ice cream trucks.}
Ackchyually, Dana, as indicated by the headline, it's a column about coffee, counterfeit speed, and weed. Given that it's possible to like, literally die from overdosing on caffeine, your snark is not appreciated.
{Haughty sniff. Anyway...}
Anyway, although Good Humor trucks, in fact, all sorts of ice cream trucks you might've encountered working the streets of your neighborhood had just crested the hill and were about to start down the slippery slope on the other side, and then vanishing, the depot in question was still jammed with white ice cream trucks with blue lettering built to Good Humor's specifications at the time.
In a far corner of that depot that was at the opposite end of where the company offices and a hooge, outdoor walk-in freezer were located, there was a large Oak tree that was actually located behind a chain link fence on an adjacent business's lot.
As I said, it was a large Oak tree. Several of its branches overhung the corner in question and provided a canopy that shaded a truck owned by local legend...um, Steve. Steve was an entrepreneurial sort who helpfully provided weed to his fellow drivers to supplement his ice cream sales. These same people were known for "toking up" with each other in that same corner before going to work.
I know what you're thinking, gentlereaders; you're asking yourself the obvious question. Given that weed was illegal at the time, and given the reputation of people who drove ice cream trucks, and given that these same people spent their workday behind the wheel of fairly large and heavy vehicles, why was this tolerated by the people in the offices at the other end of the world parking lot?
I can't speak for them, but I assume it was for the same reason the drivers spent their days working long hours in the heat (the majority of ice cream trucks weren't/aren't air-conditioned) and taking a lot of crap from both kids and their parents.
Money.
Amazingly, while I was there at least, there were no accidents or incidents related to weed consumption that I'm aware of.
{I've got a question. Why was Steve "locally famous"?}
Given that this is a (more or less) family-friendly column, dear gentlereader, you might want to stop reading here if the sexual adventures of others give you the vapors.
[INSERT PAUSE HERE]
Steve was locally famous for once being caught in flagrante delicto with a comely companion by one of the office denizens.
{Huh?}
He was getting a blowjob in his ice cream truck.
{Moving on...wait, what's any of this got to do with coffee and "counterfeit speed?"}
There was an interesting, short-lived phenomenon going on in the Pittsburgh area at the time that came and went in short order. Back then, as now, it was possible to buy clearly labeled caffeine pills at your favorite outlet for over-the-counter drugs. However, someone was opening pop-up stores selling what they called "legal speed" (amphetamines).
These pills were not amphetamines; they were caffeine pills disguised as illegal amphetamine pills. Real amphetamines, available only by prescription or from that shady friend of your friend, came in various forms. If you're old like me, you may remember the famous "black beauties," plain back capsules, but I understand they came/come in all sorts of other shapes and sizes as well.
I confess to being an individual who smoked entirely too much weed in a past life, but I was never a pill head, so my knowledge is limited. In fact, I avoided partying with pill heads of all stripes as strenuously as I avoided hanging out with juicers back in the day. I didn't care for all the drama (he said self-righteously).
Long story short...
{Too late.}
Although I remember these pop-up stores (there was one in my neighborhood), when I went a-googlin' I could find nothing about them, so I can offer no proof they existed. In my defense, local authorities found a way to quickly shut them down anywhere they sprouted. And, I can't remember how it quickly became common knowledge that they were selling cleverly disguised caffeine pills.
{Probably all that weed you were smoking.}
Harumph! I do clearly remember the friend who told me about what he thought was a near-death experience from taking too many of them. He and some of the other members of the Oak Tree Smokers Club used them to counteract the effects of smoking too much weed.
As in, "Screw this, I'm going to park my truck, get something to eat, and take a nap."
One hot summer day, Steve found himself sweating far more profusely than he thought was normal. He then noticed that his heart was beating abnormally fast, and it felt like it was accelerating. While he was dealing with some customers, he noticed that his hands were starting to tremble, and he was hit with a blinding headache.
He quickly concluded the sale and made for the nearest, safe spot. There's no official name for these spots, but all experienced ice cream vendors know where to head on their routes when things get weird, such as when they want to give a kid a bitch slap, or when privacy is needed for some reason.
He pulled over, got his frozen towel out of the freezer, and draped it over his neck. Then willed himself to calm down while trying to decide what to do next. Cellphones weren't a thing just yet, so he couldn't dial 911. He didn't want to knock on someone's door looking and feeling like he did in the middle of his workday in an area he frequented six, sometimes seven days a week.
So being bulletproof and ten feet tall, he decided to just suck it up and wait it out. Fortunately, he didn't have the massive heart attack he thought he might be having and reasoned that it was the "legal speed" that was the source of his problem.
Once he knew he was going to be okay, he tossed his remaining pills into the bushes in disgust and went back to work. Winter always feels like it's just around the corner when your income depends on warm weather.
{Say, I don't suppose that he...}
No, he didn't hear a celestial choir or a comforting voice telling him to go into the light.
Colonel Cranky
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