In the Event of My Death

 Cheat Sheet No.1

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

About 

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die." -Unknown 

Dear Stickies and Gentlereaders,

I'll be turning 70 this year. As I've mentioned in previous letters/columns if I were to wake up dead on any given day, although an international tragedy, it wouldn't be shocking or unusual. 

After all, H. sapiens of all ages die every day, all H. sapiens die eventually, and according to World.Data.info "A male child born in the United States today will live to be 74.5 years old on average." If you haven't been paying attention, this statistic has been trending in the wrong direction.

{Yeah but you were born many thousands of days ago, lighten up. I'll bet you're not scheduled to meet the Grim Reaper for a while yet.}

He/she/they self-identifies as the Happy Recycler nowadays, it's a rebranding thing. 

For some mysterious reason, I've yet to become the wildly successful, beloved, well-known columnist that I obviously should be by now so it's also occurred to me that it also wouldn't be particularly shocking or unusual to wake up one day and discover that I'm 80 years old, still writing columns, and still waiting for fame and fortune to find me. 

And still telling myself that starting (later) today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or next ______ that I'm going to _______. That's human nature, mine anyway, although I strongly suspect I'm not the only one. 

So I plan to crank out a series of "cheat sheets" before my deletion.

(While I'm thinking of it, for the record, I've no idea if virtue, prayer, daily affirmations, positive thinking, etc. actually make any difference. But to be absolutely clear, all I ask for is good health and plenty of money. I'll take care of the rest.)

Anyways... given that I'm mortal, and given that I have no desire to be immortal via any sort of technology currently under development by those who think that living forever wouldn't be a profound bore... 

{What about some sort of spiritual immortality after your body is deleted?} 

Since I have no way of knowing with any certainty what's next I don't dwell on it. Perpetual bliss also sounds boring; being sentenced to perpetual torment by a loving (or even vindictive) God for my, or the average Joe, Joan, or J. Bagadonuts' mediocre sins, seems highly unlikely.

{What about reincarnation?} 

Boring. 

{So what do you think happens, and for that matter, what's life on Earth about for H. sapiens?}

I don't know what will happen. Big picture-wise I suspect not much, that there's only one whatever it is, that's what we call "God," and God's having a very vivid dream, us. In my semi-humble opinion, that's what life on Earth and the whole universe is (universes are?) about.

{Would you care to elaborate?}

No. 

A gentleperson must decide on such things for themselves. However, decide, or decide to not decide, the important thing is to leave each other alone about such things as much as possible. A semi-wise person of my acquaintance once said:

"I want the playground to have minimum rules and maximum fun. I want just enough rules to give everyone an equal shot at some swing time and neutralize the bullies." -me

{You can't...}

I can and I did. Cheat Sheets are a sort of distillation of all the stuff I would like to mention, or reiterate, to the Stickies and my daughter and son-in-law in the event of my sudden demise. Hopefully, this will provide some life guidance and provide comfort for their devastated hearts (and for the lack of cash left on the table).

This then is my introductory Cheat Sheet. Since the purpose of my Cheat Sheets is to make sure I say all the things I'd like to say while I'm still here to say them, and since this missive hasn't used up its word quota:

You've likely heard that there's no such thing as a free lunch. While this is mostly true, like most rules, there's an exception that a discerning individual should be aware of.

Sometimes, someone that loves you, or perhaps even an occasional stranger with a kind disposition, will provide a free lunch. The "price" is the pleasure your benefactor experiences and as you hopefully are aware, this sort of thing can supply a really good buzz.

Buy somebody's lunch occasionally... BUT, be circumspect. As you may have also heard, there's a sucker born every minute.

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

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Dear Uncle Joe & the Donald

An open letter.

Image by Marc Hatot from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

About 

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"Politics is the attempt to achieve power and prestige without merit." 

                                                                                              -P.J. O'Rourke

Dear Uncle Joe & the Donald,

Gentlemen, many of your fellow Americans believe that one of you clearly suffers from age-related cognitive decline and that the other is a megalomaniac. 

Never having met either of you, and since the closest I've come to medical training is driving by a highway exit sign for the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, far be it from me to judge.

However, I do know that the Donald (6/14/46) is barely young enough to be a Boomer and that Uncle Joe (11/20/42) is too old to be one.  

I also know that regardless of the state of your physical and/or mental health, biologically speaking, like me, you're old. More importantly, you've both led unusually full lives compared to the average American H. sapien. It's time to get off the stage and give the kids a chance to show us what they can do.

You've both become the face of powerful, polarized factions within your respective parties and are both exploited by the purple press and armies of tireless algorithmites on duty in the social media platforms, both of whom serve the Outrage Industrial Complex.  

Too many Citizens of the Republic have forgotten, or perhaps have never learned, that for a democratic republic to thrive and survive, constant compromise combined with a willingness to live and let live is required. 

For the sake of the Republic, if I were the benevolent, primarily ceremonial monarch that I should be, I would order that you two...

{Ahem.}  

For the sake of the Republic, the two of you should announce, together, that you've both decided that neither of you is running for president in '24, that given the current state of overheated political polarization, you've decided to step aside. 

That you hope this will set an example for both major parties to offer the nation younger nominees who publicly commit to seeking a compromise on the issues that divide us. 

That it's time, across the board, for Boomer pols to get off the stage, and for Americans of all ages to step out of their comfort zones and readopt the attitude of the country that put a man on the moon in less than a decade when we worked together.

That it's time to reconsider what's happened since: embracing self-centeredness and safetyism while simultaneously culturally shooting ourselves in the foot on a daily basis.

Perhaps you could even suggest all politicians over the age of 70 currently serving at all levels of government from dog catcher to senator not run in '24, and that going forward, this becomes a tradition, and if necessary, a law.

And speaking of mandatory retirement, how about suggesting that the members of the legal deep state, the millions of unelected bureaucrats we're at the mercy of, should also retire by age 70. We could be spared future Anthony Fauccis (82), who until his recent retirement, was better paid than the presidents he worked for. 

{Hey, are you aware that his wife, Christine Grady (71) is the chief of "the Department of Bioethics at the National Institutes of Health Clinical Center?" and is paid $234,284 per year?}

Yeah, I am, Dana. But to be fair I must mention that she and her husband worked for different agencies of the NIH before he retired.

Unfortunately, I suspect that even such a noble and virtuous gesture on your part, although it would likely result in the historians of the future treating both of you gentlepersons more kindly, I'm not holding my breath.  

And even if my fantasy somehow came true, it would be unlikely to make more than a small splash in Lake Zeitgeist given the current state of things. The purple press/social media would both move on as soon as the partner of the love child of a cousin of someone famous for being famous (and who once dated Madonna) died from an overdose of _______.

Perhaps the politicians and "influencers" who are members of the three generations born since the Boomers arrived could form the Neodemocratic and Neorepublican parties and take out the donkey and the elephant in the room with a tranquilizer dart.

I'd suggest they begin repairing the Republic by first freezing the national credit card and ending inflation by living within the nation's means so they don't spend their whole lives paying off their forefather's foreperson's bills. 

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Scroll down to share my work or access oldies. Buy an old crank a coffee? Join Cranky's Coffee Club to read Cranky's History of the World.    

Comments? I post links to my columns on Facebook and Twitter where you can go to love me, hate me, or try to have me canceled.  

 

 

Deep State? What Deep State?

Image by Michael Knoll from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

About 

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"You can convince yourself of just about anything when you want to believe a conspiracy theory."  -Brian Stelter                                                                                                                                         

Dear Stickies and Gentlereaders,

I've got some shocking news America. An awful lot of the news media engage in the practice of what I call purple journalism (yellow journalism on drugs). 

From my glossary:

Purple Journalism: Journalism as currently perpetrated by many news outlets that claim to be professional, unbiased, and factual. In reality, they are partisan, prone to sensationalism, and motivated primarily by the bottom line.

Worse yet, many outlets...

{You have a keen eye for the obvious sir!}

I was next going to say, before being rudely interrupted, that many media outlets are apparently part of the deep state but...

{For what it's worth, paranoia strikes deep. Into your life, it will creep...}

But (and that's a big BUT) like many alleged conspiracies, as I've written elsewhere, the term conspiracies of convenience more accurately expresses what's going on. And by the way, fading Boomer cultural references are my job.

{Please forgive me.}   

Conspiracies of convenience (COC) form when there's money and/or power to be had which often leads to the formation of groups of special interests, deliberately or spontaneously, that scratch each other's backs with no collusion necessarily necessary. 

Unlike conspiracy theories, which are by definition usually impossible to prove or disprove (which is part of the fun), a COC is, more often than not, obvious to any individual with a modicum of intelligence.

This brings us to <insert menacing fanfare here> The Deep State. 

{I was starting to wonder...}

The deep state is both a conspiracy theory and a conspiracy of convenience. 

The billionaire George Soros is named as a player in many a deep state conspiracy theory. He filled his money bin by pulling some seriously shady sh... shtuff. But he's since given a lot of it away to all sorts of good causes which would seem to be indicative of just a man with a guilty conscious.  

However, he's also currently (in)famous for funding the political campaigns of several "woke" district attorneys that are helping to trash certain cities by not prosecuting this or that "minor" crime or the rapid release of thugs in the name of social justice. 

Tell us, Batman, what's he really up to? 

On the other hand, we're knee-deep in conspiracies of convenience, many so blatantly obvious that you could easily make the case that they're more like socially acceptable corruption than conspiracies. 

Many people call the hooge and ever-expanding administrative wing of The Fedrl Gummit the deep state. I refer to the thousands of unelected bureaucrats charged with applying and administering encyclopedia-sized bills. 

These laws are composed by another division of the deep state that everyone's aware of. I'm referring to the thousands of lobbyists, lawyers, other bureaucrats, consultants, etc. who also work to get your congressperson to vote yea or nay on bills without ever having actually read them.

This is what a conspiracy of convenience looks like, a whole bunch of people scratching each others... backs on the down-low and the members of the purple press filtering the story (if they don't deliberately choose to ignore it) through an ideological narrative. 

(In their defense, photo ops, attending lunches and meetings with the usual suspects, keeping a weather eye on the next round of elections, and not passing budgets — balanced or otherwise — keeps congresspersons very busy. They even occasionally fly home to meet the folks.

Now, as for the deep state behind the deep state...

{Yes! A real conspiracy theory at last!}  

No. 

I'm talking about the spies, and politicians, that are supposed to be on our side.

They're not supposed to cover for Uncle Joe's clearly corrupt son who was so wasted he forgot about a computer that he used as an electronic journal documenting his bizarre life  — with pictures.

Our professional spooks are not supposed to sign a letter declaring it to be a Russian covert opp and then say — never mind — two years later. 

The purple press is not supposed to bury the story and then say oops — two years later.

The purple press is not supposed to virtually ignore the recent revelation that our current Secretary of State, Antony Blinken, was possibly the mover and shaker behind the bogus letter.  

Go a'googlin', enter "blinken behind letter declaring laptop to be russian info," or something like it, and discover how little coverage the story is getting by prominent news outlets.

My conspiracy theory? We've been programmed to accept blatant government corruption as just another day in the Swamp. Move on folks, nothing to see here.  

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

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A Fungus Among Us

May you live in interesting times.

Image by mikezwei from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

About 

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"Bureaucracy is like a fungus that contaminates everything." -Jaime Lerner

Dear Stickies and Gentlereaders,

Much to my surprise, I recently enjoyed a TV series on HBO titled The Last of Us.  

It's based, I'm told, on a videogame of the same name that's been around for a while. I'm also led to believe that it's not Hollywood's first attempt to turn a popular game into a popular movie or TV show. 

However, I'm also told it's the best one of many attempted so far, that this is a RBFD, particularly to gamers, and that we can expect an onslaught of video entertainment based on all sorts of popular games going forward. 

{And who told you this?} 

I was speaking figuratively, Dana. I've done a bit of research and read a bunch of articles. I...

{As I suspected given the fact you tend to sneer at video games and the people who play them. While we're at it, let's talk about your disdain for movies and TV shows based on comic books.} 

Whoa, I don't sneer at the people who play video games and/or read comic books. To paraphrase what I once heard Louis Armstrong say (I think in the Ken Burns documentary Jazz), If you like it, it's good entertainment (music). 

I do tend to sneer at video games and comic books themselves. However, I loved reading comic books and playing pinball games when I was a child. In fact... 

{I'd move on at this point if I were you, while you still have a reader or two left.}

Good point.

The show's about Joel (fifty-something) and Ellie (a teenager) who are on a road trip from hell, trying to make their way across an America in which a fungus has turned most people into zombies. (I know, I know, but it's actually pretty good.)

There's plenty of graphic and gruesome violence (of course), but both of the actors are good at their craft, there's an actual more or less believable plot and actual character development.

{No boobies?}

What are you talking about?

{Didn't you say that movies and TV shows top-heavy with bouncing boobies and/or buckets of blood should come with B&B ratings? How about DP for male characters displaying dangling participles.} 

Gentlepersons, please ignore the (not necessarily) charming literary device.   

There's even dialog that doesn't sound like it was written by an algorithm that's missed one too many updates. 

For example, at one point Ellie asks Joel questions about what life was like prior to the dystopia she takes as a given and one of his answers is, "Some people wanted to own everything and some people didn't want anyone to own anything at all."

Gadzooks! A plug for the sane folks that try to walk down the middle of the path in an era in which people that drive down the middle of the road are often turned into stewed tomatoes by ideologues driving virtual 18-wheelers.

{How do you figure?} 

It's not just the subtle context of the quote itself, it's the context of the conversation within which it occurs. Occasionally, subtle dialog more accurately mirrors the real world than dialog composed using a hammer and chisel and delivered in like manner, and that's another reason I like the show. 

{What does that even mean?}

The writers/producers/actors etc. aren't all people with hammers in search of nails.

{Are we done? We're short, like, 150 or so words.}     

Nope. I want to expand on Joel's quote.

The reason I like "Some people wanted to own everything and some people didn't want anyone to own anything at all" so much is because it's true, but he could've added, most people just tried to get along and find a way to pay the bills. 

The outrage industrial complex (OIC), left-leaning division, would have us believe that the Earth is controlled by insatiable, evil capitalists who do indeed want it all. 

The right-leaning division would have us believe that the left side of the path is completely controlled by evil Wokies who want everyone to share everything equally like that commune your cousin joined where things ended so badly.

I believe that the oligarchs of both divisions play us against each other for power and profit, and that class war trumps culture war. 

I'm so old that I can remember when America's traditional left and right — a.k.a the center-left and center-right — used to be able to argue things out, sometimes just for fun, over a beer or a cup of coffee and get up the next day and get on with their lives. 

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Scroll down to share my work or access oldies. Buy an old crank a coffee? Extra content is available to members of Cranky's Coffee Club.    

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It Never Ends

Image by 1035352 from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

About 

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"...democracy is the worst form of government - except for all the others that have been tried..." -Winston Churchill 

Dear Stickies and Gentlereaders,

It's never going to end, is it? 

This issue serves as a perfect illustration of one of the downsides of democracy, the ability of a small, noisy, dedicated group of citizens — endlessly energized by their belief that they're on the side of the angels — willing to hold the rest of the country hostage.

In fact, it's easier to do nowadays than it was in ancient Athens. Back then you had to round up the boys and have 'em all meet at the Pnyx. Since boys will be boys, they would've just as soon been home chillin' out on the klinē, drinking lite-wine, and watching ΈΣΡΝ. 

{Why easier these days?}

The internet, social media, the purple press, etc.

{Point taken... hey, misogyny alert! What about the women of ancient Athens?} 

Only the male citizens of Athens were eligible to debate and vote. 

Since ancient Athenian men were openly sexist and owned literally thousands of slaves (and for all intents and purposes, their wives and daughters), I wonder why the Wokies haven't trashed all their leftover statues. 

{I'll bet that's how the Venus de Milo lost her arms, ancient Wokies! But we drift.} 

Yes, we do, Dana. Back to abortion. 

 

I refuse to quote specific poll results because many of the articles I found about the subject reported the poll results of various organizations, which of course, varied, but more importantly the context and narratives within which the results were reported varied wildly. 

{Welcome to the Information Age.}  

But that's not going to keep me from declaring that a comfortable majority of my fellow Citizens of the Republic support legal, unrestricted abortion up to about 16 weeks or so with exceptions after that for rape, incest, and health problems.  

I checked out European abortion laws because my left-leaning friends often point out how much more liberal and civilized life in Europe is. I found an article from March of last year on the website of the left-leaning Human Rights Watch lauding France for extending their 12-week limit to 14 weeks, the same as Spain. 

{Where, as we all know, the rain falls mainly... why are you looking at me like that?}  

Before I go on permit me to state for the record, I tend to lean right and I fully support the Supremes, well, the majority of them anyway, relatively recently ruling that the Constitution does not guarantee the right to get an abortion.

{I think I've relatively recently come to hate alliteration as much as you love it.}

If they had ruled that way on 1/22/73 we might have moved on by now. I hope when the smoke clears, well, dissipates, people will settle down and decide to live and let live. 

So, what's the problem? The majority of Americans (and our European friends and frenemies) have maintained, more or less, the same opinion for decades, let's compromise. Say, 12 to 16 weeks, with appropriate exceptions?

Even Congress should be able to hammer something out. 

{Yeah, right. Hey, I thought you wanted the states to decide individually?}

What I said was that the Supremes were wrong when they decided Roe v. Wade way back when by finding a right in the Constitution that wasn't/isn't there, resolving nothing. 

Instead, the people opposed to most, or even all forms of abortion went to war (occasionally literally) with the folks that wanted few to no restrictions and the majority that wanted/want a rational compromise. 

Many members of the rational majority believe that abortion should be safe and legal, but, rare and practice what they preach, which results in a lot of unplanned babies being born anyway. 

It also results, unfortunately, in a lot of babies not being born, but it also, fortunately, results in a lot of women staying safe, legal, and out of "back alleys." 

{Do you have the statistics to back up your claims?}

Nope. All I have to offer is 70 years of living in the real world and a modicum of common sense. 

Finally, since controversy is all the rage, let me finish by expressing my sympathy to the radical pro-life people but respectfully suggest you channel your outrage into promoting adoption and even orphanages run by religious organizations (gasp!) where kids are allowed, even encouraged, to pray. 

Gentlemen: Saying that only a woman should decide if she should have an abortion since it's her body (pulling a Pontius Pilate) is pure bonkercockie. Immaculate conceptions are exceedingly rare. 

Gentlewomen: Pink pussycat hats are offensive at worst, and tacky at best.

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Scroll down to share my work or access oldies. Buy an old crank a coffee? Extra content is available to members of Cranky's Coffee Club.    

Comments? I post my columns on Facebook and Twitter where you can love me, hate me, or try to have me canceled. Don't demonize, seek a compromise. 

You Can Call Me... Elmer (Part 2)

Don't call me Al, or late for dinner. Ba Dum Tss

Image by Vkastro from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

About 

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"As I've said before, free money scams are a problem." -Mathew Lesko 

Dear Stickies and Gentlereaders,

In You Can Call Me... Elmer (Part 1), I cleverly tied together the occasional disruptions in my cash flow prior to retirement to religious cults to financial cults to Amway, a firm that makes billions of bucks by serving(?) souls seeking financial salvation.

I wish to elaborate on why thinking about cults got me thinking about Amway. 

For a yearly fee of only $76 (or the equivalent if you're a citizen of one of the 99+ countries besides the U.S. Amway operates in), you can allegedly supplement your inadequate income, or even build a full-time business of your own. 

Your fellow Amway "independent business owners" will show you how and provide resources and guidance. Not only do the folks who sign up folks and teach them how to sign up other folks so that everyone can get rich (or at least less financially stressed), they helpfully supply meetings, classes, seminars, literature, etc. — "business support materials" — for a price. 

{Amway's (in)famous for that sort of thing, it's widely known, what's your point?}

Amway's reputation for holding meetings and rallies that resemble revival meetings to fire up the troops is one of the reasons some call Amway a cult.

Another is that it's possible to find yourself being recruited by one of the faithful who lured you into a pitch by being careful to never utter the word Amway, a tactic common to people who recruit new members to join cults. 

This actually happened to me once and I nearly lost a friend who talked my late, great, sorta/kinda mother-in-law (it's complicated) into meeting a certain someone who wished to discuss a "business opportunity."

Joyce: "This isn't Amway is it John?"

John: "It's just a great idea that I, uh, personally recommend."  

At a certain point in this person's pitch, which I also attended, Joyce had an aha! moment and forced him to admit that he was looking to add people to his Amway "downline." 

When it was made, um, abundantly clear to this individual that the meeting was over and that he should go away, now, Dr. Amway transformed into Mr. Hyde and viciously turned on her before stomping off into the sunset. 

However, no one was killed, and my embarrassed friend apologized, slunk out, and shortly thereafter decided that Amway wasn't for him either.  

I don't have a problem with Christians, in fact, although I'm not a Christian, I'm hoping that America has one of its periodic Christian Great Awakenings soon to fill the growing God-shaped hole in the American heart that the wacky Wokies are, to a great extent, responsible for.

{Huh?}

long story, Dana, and perhaps a future column. 

I don't have a problem with the adherents of any faith that take their religious beliefs seriously and live their lives accordingly. Assuming, of course, they believe that "live and let live" are also words to literally live by and are willing to gracefully share the playground with all the other kids. 

I firmly believe that the sermon you live is much more effective than the sermon you preach and I'm repelled by spiritual/moral/ethical/etcetrical hypocrisy (all sins, I confess, that I'm occasionally guilty of). 

I've personally been involved with more than one materially successful individual, Christian and otherwise, who wore/wear their faith on their sleeves, seemingly oblivious to the fact their success derives from their willingness to exploit others.

I've heard varied versions, delivered with a straight face, of what I think of as divine-right monarch logic. "If God disapproved of my actions I wouldn't be wearing a crown, right? 

Amway's founders, Jay Van Andel ("Christianity involved the living out of Biblical values of honesty, generosity, and respect for others in our everyday life.") and Richard DeVos ("As business moves forward, you realize that God has his hand on the whole business and that he brought people to you who are like-minded. It starts with faith.") were both billionaires when they died. 

In 1993, Mr. DeVos published a book titled Compassionate Capitalism: People Helping People Help Themselves. According to Amazon DeVos argues that as capitalism spreads around the world "it needs to develop a moral base that would incorporate the interests of corporations, workers, customers, and the environment." My emphasis.

   

From last week's column: Amway reports on a 2021 U.S. Income Disclosure that "For calendar year 2021, the average income for all U.S. registered IBOs at the Founders Platinum level and below was $766 before expenses."

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Scroll down to share my work or access oldies. Buy an old crank a coffee? Extra content is available to members of Cranky's Coffee Club.    

Comments? I post my columns on Facebook and Twitter where you can love me, hate me, or try to have me canceled. Don't demonize, seek a compromise. 

 

You Can Call Me... Elmer (Part One)

Don't call me Al, or late for dinner. Ba Dum Tss

Image by Vkastro from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

About 

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." 

                                                                                            -Rita Rudner

Dear Stickies and Gentlereaders,

{Elmer?}

As in Elmer Gantry, Dana.

{Who?}

Elmer Gantry is the protagonist (and title) of an excellent novel written by Sinclair Lewis and an excellent movie more or less based on the book. 

{Oh... okay.} 

Prior to retirement, I was what you'd call a working stiff for the majority of the 45 years I spent earning a living. The velocity of my cash flow was occasionally reduced to that of certain sections of the Rio Grande River when Texas is in the midst of one of its periodic droughts.

{Oh... okay.}

This sort of situation sometimes led to my consideration of various and sundry get-rich-quick or slower but seemingly more reliable schemes to resolve this regularly recurring problem once and for all. 

{You know, other people have...}

Yeah, I know, and I did too, or tried to, repeatedly, but it never worked out very well. I'm not complaining mind you, but I also don't feel guilty. I can declare with a straight face that sometimes it was my fault, but mostly it wasn't. 

And when it wasn't it could easily lead to the kind of idle speculation mentioned above. However, I never once attempted to start a spiritual cult despite the low barriers to entry in the religion business.

{If you weren't so loath to deploy hackneyed cliches, at this point I'd react with a, wait...what?} 

Elmer Gantry was in the religion business; he was a hustler, a phony. He didn't start a cult, preferring to operate within more traditional religious structures. I myself would've preferred leading a modestly sized cult. 

I'm a low-profile sort of dude who would've been content with two or three subservient (by nature, not by training) concubines, a modest income, and pepperoni pizza at least once a week. 

I would've been a kind shepherd to my flock, but I think that traveling that particular road requires a degree of sociopathology beyond my relatively modest one. Besides, I should think that being a spiritual con artist would be as exhausting as any career that requires being an inveterate liar. 

May as well get a real job, or join a cult, a secular one dedicated to resolving your financial problems, like Amway. 

{AMWAY'S A PYRAMID SCHEME!}

Amway: "We manufacture and distribute nutrition, beauty, personal care and home products—which are exclusively sold in 100 countries through Amway Independent Business Owners (IBOs)." My emphasis. 

Hey, ya gotta figure it's easy to accidentally step on some toes when your company's that hooge. 

Wikipedia: "Amway has been investigated in various countries and by institutions such as the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) for alleged pyramid scheme practices. It has never been found guilty though it has paid tens of millions of dollars to settle these suits."

Honest mistakes or cost of doing business?

FYI, "...exclusively sold (my emphasis again) in 100 countries through Amway Independent Business Owners (IBOs)" is at the top of a web page with a link a few inches away, SHOP PRODUCTS, that will enable you to access Amway's entire product line and skip dealing with a "registered" IBO (who pays Amway $76 a year for the privilege). 

Just sayin'.

I had forgotten about Amway. There are certain advantages to being a relatively reclusive retiree who's no longer a member of most "target markets." 

I thought perhaps they were no longer in business but they still are, very much so. I went a-googlin' and discovered that their revenues are almost $9,000,000,000 a year and that they're an international firm that does business here, there, and waaay over there, in China, their largest market. 

{I wonder if Uyghurs are allowed to be IBOs?}

In my defense, it's been a while since anyone has tried to sign me up to be an IBO much less tried to sell me some merchandise, which used to happen regularly. Fun fact: Amway is the largest MLM (multi-level marketing) company on the planet Earth, amazing what can happen when you're not paying attention.

Another fun fact: Amway reports on a 2021 U.S. Income Disclosure that "For calendar year 2021, the average income for all U.S. registered IBOs at the Founders Platinum level and below was $766 before expenses."

Hmm, let's see... 766... divide by 12... that's $63.83 a month before expenses. 

Hoo-boy. 

It would seem that the Founders Platinum level should be called the Founders Aluminum level as I suspect that recycling cans would be a viable alternative. 

To be continued...

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

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