Friday, June 3, 2022

The More Things Change...

Original title: Republicrats v. Depublicans (7/29/15)

Image by chayka1270 from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device 

"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason." 
                                                                                                       -Mark Twain


Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

I'm spending the summer in a cabin on a beautiful lake somewhere in the Swiss Alps, working on my memoirs, and trying to decide if this column will resume post-Labor Day. The market has found me wanting; I'm buying all of my own coffee. So be it, I remain an unrepentant supporter of capitalism. 

My big brother Eddie is my only financial supporter so I'm starting to feel like Van Gogh... without the world-class talent but with both ears. I'm also considering publishing only when the spirit moves me. Cranking out columns week after week, while enjoyable, is hard work — well, intellectually speaking — at least for me. 

{It sure ain't roofing or the like you whiney b...}

In the meantime, I'll be republishing (relatively) gently edited columns with updated statistics and facts in [brackets].  


With apologies to JFK, I ask not why the federal government is so jacked up, I ask why it works as well as it does. I'm not an anarchist, only a sorta/kinda libertarian. I believe we need rules on the playground as well as an intelligently designed safety net. I would like the rules to be as few in number as possible and rationally conceived to maximize fun and minimize stepping on each other's toes. 

In light of our national debt, 57,000 [92,000] bucks each as this is being written and steadily increasing as you read this, cutting spending [prior to modern monetary/free lunch theory anyway] is always on the agenda. Both parties define cuts as spending a little less on planned increases over a ten-year period, to make "cuts" appear larger.

Think about that. Congressperson Stumblebum looks into the camera and with steely resolve states that if re-elected she'll [he'll/they'll] battle to get government spending under control. How? Simple. Increase spending by slightly less than already planned, over the next decade, and call it a spending cut. She won't put it like that though. She'll tell you that under her plan spending at the Department of Bonkercockie will be reduced by a billion dollars a year. With a little luck, Congressperson Stumblebum will be a lobbyist long before that decade is up and she'll no longer have to dirty her hands running for office in order to get her dirty little hands on other people's money.

She, and most likely the media source that provides you with this information, won't bother to mention that we don't have ten-year budgets. We have one-year budgets, at least in theory. Congress hasn't actually passed one since 1997. The one currently proposed is a product of the Republicrats, Depublicans don't support it and if it is passed in its present form, Mr. Obama has made it clear he will veto it.   


President Obama created the bipartisan Simpson-Bowles Commission in 2010 to study and make recommendations for fixing our financial problems. You may have noticed The Fedrl Gummit has maxed out its credit cards, but the issuer (themselves) keeps sending out new ones (to themselves).

The commission was originally a provision of a bipartisan law that would require Congress to vote only up or down on the commission's recommendations since apparently Congress long ago lost its ability to compromise on virtually anything. The law didn't pass because some of the original Republicrat co-sponsors voted against their own bill.

Mr. Obama decided to set up the commission by executive order. The commission came to the conclusion that if we were to plug enough loopholes and eliminate enough special favors and social engineering from the tax code we could lower everyone's taxes. Toss in some real spending cuts and entitlement reform and now we're getting somewhere. Mr. Obama, and Congress, stuck the report in a drawer and returned to job one, staying elected. 


Mismanaging our money is not the only task the federal government excels in. No private entity can hope to match the government when it comes to creating Rules&Regs. The Federal Register (which contains 70,000+ pages as of 2020) lists all the rules and regulations you're supposed to follow if you have the good fortune to live in the USA.

If there was a board game called, "Life In a Free Country," in addition to the instructions on how to play the game there would be a multi-volume set of books [PDF files?] containing all the Rules&Regs you need to follow in order to remain on the straight and narrow as determined by Congress and the 2,711,000 [2,878,000] non-military employees of the federal government. 

How many Rules&Regs are there in the land of the free?  According to the Competitive Enterprise Institute's 10,000 Commandments 2021, "Since the Federal Register first began itemizing them in 1976, 208,155 final rules have been issued."

How on Earth did Congress find the time to write so many Rules&Regs? That's where the 2,711,000 [2,878,000] bureaucrats come in. Realizing that writing all those Rules&Regs themselves would be inefficient and detract from time on job one (see above), Congress passes legislation that authorizes the bureaucrats to create the Rules&Regs needed to put the brilliant ideas of their overlords into effect.

This practice helps to stimulate the economy by providing work for registered lobbyists [12,137]. Never let it be said that our fearless leaders can't hold their own when matched up against the folks that ran the Roman Empire into the dirt.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day


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Friday, May 27, 2022

I Could Be Dead Any Minute...

And so could you.

Image by Lothar Dieterich from Pixabay 

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." -Ashley Montagu 


Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

If you're still young enough to shrug off my headline/subheadline faster than a wet dog dances the wet-dog shake, good for you. I myself vaguely recall being immortal. 

And yes, I know, that you know, that you're not — unless you're a transhumanist hoping to live long enough for someone(s) to figure out how you're going to live forever — actually immortal. But one's mortality is not something most people dwell on till they reach an impossible to predict tipping point. 

And attempting to accurately portray how this is going to feel, and the implications, to someone that hasn't reached that stage yet is as pointless as trying to accurately portray just how brief a period of time their allotted threescore and ten actually is. 

And anyway, this is as it should be. 

{Why? And by the way, the actuaries have changed three score and ten to four score and gravy.} 
 
For the same reason I still believe in true love... as well as Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, et al, Dana. 

"Scratch a cynic and you will find a disappointed romantic." -Christopher Moore 

"And that's all I have to say about that" -Forrest Gump 

{Sheesh, have your Cancer cooties returned or something?}

"Nope, knock on wood," replied the author, gently tapping his prodigious noggin. 


However, 

Most geezers, geezerettes, and even many on the cusp of geezerhood are quite aware of their inevitable deletion. Some are obsessed, some embrace denial, most just keep their awareness in the box where they keep things they don't want or need to deal with on a daily basis but won't (or can't) toss in the trash. 

Given that we're all born with a terminal disease I wish to point out that even the currently statistically fortunate should pause occasionally to contemplate the big picture. 

{Your keen eye for the obvious is obvious. Is there a point to this melancholy rambling?}

Absabalutely. Given the undeniable fact that you could be dead any minute and eventually will definitely be, I have a question, what are you doing about it?


You've (hopefully) learned by now that your time is limited and that you can't have it all despite what all those articles, commercials, videos, etceteros claim. And if you just happen to have a former acquaintance that you haven't seen since they were an attractive, healthy, thirty-something who recently died at the age of 51...
 
{There it is. Now I get it.}

This sort of knowledge is a gift. So, are you gonna place this gift on a shelf with your other tchotchkes or get off your tuchus and act?

{Oy vey, it's the bucket list thing... Wait, are you familiar with the term cultural appropriation?} 

No, it ain't. Yes, I am. No, it isn't. Cultural appropriation is mostly Wokie bonkercockie.    

Bucket lists are about the pursuit of fulfilling dreams, fantasies, and elusive goals. Go for it. Just don't forget to apply the While Lying On My Death Bed test and also give a passing thought to the other kids you share the playground with, particularly the ones who share your DNA.

Big BUT, I'm talking about the day after your last day.

{Huh?} 


It's been 24 hours or so since you shuffled off your mortal coil and you're sitting in a very comfortable chair while sipping on your favorite beverage and thinking about how you lived your life. Not necessarily about the sort of things found on a bucket list — ordinary, everyday sorts of stuff.  

{No way! After you die you...} 

Please stop poopin' on my metaphor. 

You ask yourself, given what I had learned (often the hard way) about myself and life on Earth prior to being deleted had I consciously/deliberately tried to make the best use of my limited time once I grokked just how limited my time really was, that life often really is what happens to you while you're making other plans? 

{YIKES! You're one of those Intentional Living people, are you selling a book, a membership, grooming cult members or...}

I apologize, I literally didn't know till just now when I googled the phrase living intentionally — that I picked up from I know not where, because wait a sec', that sounds like something from a book, a club, or a cult — that there's a veritable industry out there. Thanks, Dana, YIKES! indeed. 

It's just that I've been trying to live intentionally for quite some time and now that I'm retired it's become an obsession. Maybe I should write a book, or start a... 

Nah, never mind, I'll leave my Stickies and gentlereaders to figure it out for themselves. All ya gotta do is look your life straight in the eye and then act appropriately. Easy-peasy.   

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day


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Feel free to comment and set me straight on Cranky's Facebook page. I post my latest columns on Saturdays, other things other days. Cranky don't tweet.
 

  





Friday, May 20, 2022

A Temporary Third Party

The pop-up political party is born.

Image by Septimiu Balica from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted. Best perused on a screen large enough for even your parents to see and navigate easily.   

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  
Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'rourke


Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

As my gentlereaders are already aware, although my write-in campaign to become America's first (but only temporary) king failed and I was considering trying again in '24. 

{Aw geesh, here we go...} 

I have a better idea, Dana.


Come 2024, thousands of us should simultaneously run for the House of Representatives as (temporary) third-party candidates for a brand-spankin' new, pop-up political party, the Party of the People, the P.O.P. This gives us plenty of time to organize, fundraise, and have fun. 

{Fun?}

What could be more fun than saving America from the current partisan Swamp Dwellers by promising to only serve two terms and then rejoin the real world — as heroes. I already have a slogan perfect for campaign buttons, bumper stickers, and chanting. 

"Only four, not a single day more!"

{Thousands?}

Although there are only 435 possible job openings, anyone that wants to is welcome to apply for the job of representing a given district in the House of Representatives. Let the cream rise to the top. Let there be so many candidates that the partisan media, the Depublicans, the Republicrats, and the tech oligarchs are overwhelmed and have a hard time knowing who to support/throw money at. 

The P.O.P. doesn't endorse candidates and it doesn't expect candidates to swear fealty to a party platform; the P.O.P. is more virtual than actual. The P.O.P. embodies a notion of the Founding Pasty Patriarchs that there wouldn't be political parties, just free people freely choosing their representatives to The Fedrl Gummit.  

There's no self-serving, hidebound party apparatus to vet candidates, get their names on the ballot, and funnel money their way, if, they behave and do as they're told. All that's required is that a given candidate declare that they're running, that they are a write-in candidate, and that they will abide by self-imposed term limits. Their policy positions are strictly up to them. 

{Wait-wait-wait. Why two consecutive terms?} 

Everyone knows that congresspersons spend a good deal of their time raising reelection money and that the second year of their two-year term is focused on getting reelected. For all intents and purposes, Poppies are running for a four-year job that doesn't include a pension program, effectively establishing term limits.

Without an end-run around our current situation, federal term limits will never happen. Without federal term limits, the nation is fecked. A class war is breaking out in America and the oligarchs, with good reason, think they've already won; the "Deplorables" are ripe for exploitation by hustlers and demagogues.  

{But what if...}

The voters can can 'em, replace them after the first two-year term is up before they can do any more damage.  

{But what if...}

I must warn you that I'm prepared to deploy the phrase, "the voters can can 'em" indefinitely. 


{Okaaay, but the...}

Yes, The Fedrl Gummit is HOOOGE, and employs roughly 2,000,000 people, so yes, for now at least, we need professional pols that excel at getting reelected, and know where the bodies are buried.

They're called Senators, and each and every state gets two. Poppies that prove themselves to be faithful public servants who are capable of fulfilling their commitments will provide a deep bench of potential Senators. 

And I don't know (not sure I want to) how many of those 2,000,000 souls are professional congressional staffers...

Big BUT,

I think we'd all feel better knowing that this particular component of the deep state was subject to the same sort of occupational churn as the rest of us and that Poppies will be judged on who they hire and how well they manage the help. If you're prone to hiring weasels your political opponents and wannabe replacements will be delighted to call you out. 


A Poppie is a Citizen of the Republic — Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Wokie, Greenie, etcetereenie that holds that a democratic republic — the system set up by the Founding Pasty Patriarchs and that is the foundation of the American experiment — is the best form of government we imperfect and fragile H. sapiens have come up with so far and would like the experiment to continue, not be burned to the ground by the Wokies. 
 
{But a pop-up party consisting of former members of Team Red, Team Blue, and who knows who could eventually become permanent, or quickly wither away, or...}

After hopefully getting the Republic unstuck and back on the road to sanity. Perhaps even forcing the two traditional mainstream parties to reform if they want to survive. 


In the — New and Improved! — American republic, you do you and I'll be me. We'll hammer out the rules and then go get a beer. Or you go your way, I'll go mine, and we'll agree to... 

{Disagree, right?}

I was going to say leave each other the hell alone. That's what people in a free country should do, need to do, if they wish to remain free.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day


Scroll down to share this column/access oldies. If you enjoy my work, and no advertising, please consider buying me a coffee via PayPal/credit-debit card.    

Feel free to comment and set me straight on Cranky's Facebook page. I post my latest columns on Saturdays, other things other days. Cranky don't tweet.