The History of the World (Part One)

The History of the World
(The Flyoverland Crank Version)
Part One

This is the first chapter of a multi-part series that I will publish every other week or so, starting this week

The universe we inhabit appeared 13.82 billion years ago on a Tuesday. A single, unimaginably dense point began expanding and a lot of complex stuff happened and continues to happen. Now, the most interesting thing that resulted, from an Earthlings perspective, is that 4.54 billion years ago, the Earth appeared. The Earth is the result of some of the complex stuff that happened and continues to happen. At some point this complex stuff produced man.

Or… to one degree or another, everything mentioned in the preceding paragraph, as well as what follows, happened because God decided when and if it should be so. The details depend on your personal belief. I know some very nice, perfectly normal people that believe what I consider to be some very strange things (of course I’m not talking about your beliefs). I freely concede that one of them may turn out to be right and that I may be wrong. I’m wrong with disturbing regularity so I try to keep an open mind. I highly recommend this approach as I’ve found it to be the only effective defense against blind panic when a high-velocity radioactive fact comes crashing through the roof of my thought structure like a meteorite, and lands in the chair I just got out of to answer the phone. The meteorite analogy is a paraphrase of a bit of a Marc Cohn song, “Live Out the String.”  

Regardless, man gradually learned to use tools. Also fire: For warmth, light, and most importantly (in my semi-humble opinion) cooking. Personally, although I’m an enthusiastic carnivore, I’ve never cared for the taste of raw meat. Along the way the attributes and technology that distinguish us from the other animals on the planet such as language, art, religion, the wheel, etc. developed.

Agriculture came along roughly 12,000 years ago and changed everything.

Our ancestors had been hunters/gatherers for eons. Since grocery stores hadn’t been invented yet everyone had the same job -- killing something or harvesting something that nature had randomly produced -- to keep from starving to death. Now, on a good day, this wasn’t a half bad way to make a living. If you, or you and the gang (odds are you belonged to some sort of tribe or odds are you would be dead) managed to find something to kill and eat without getting killed and eaten in the process and/or stumbled onto an apple tree full of ripe apples early in day, why, you could go home early!  Assuming you had found enough food you were free for the rest of the day. Of course, this could be quite boring because there wasn’t a lot to do since they had neither cable or computers, not even smartphones. This was why sex was invented. I refer to sex as practiced by homo sapiens, which tends to be a somewhat frequent and obsessive activity as compared to most other animals.

Anyway, various someone's at various locations gradually figured out how to plant and nurture crops as well as domesticate animals. While this required a lot more work than hunting and gathering it was a somewhat more reliable way to keep from starving to death or from becoming some other species lunch. Also, there are a few scientists, and some evidence, that suggest getting high was a significant motivation as well. Turning grains into beer is easier than turning them into food, and beer was just as popular then as it is now, even without clever commercials -- please drink responsibly. Eventually, we got good enough at this agriculture thing to produce more food than was absolutely needed for the gang to just scrape by. This made it possible to settle down instead of wandering all over the place looking for enough calories to keep body and soul together.

Man, by nature and necessity, is a social animal. It takes quite a few years before we reach maturity so we’re dependent on our parents ( a mom and a dad if we’re lucky) much longer than the average creature. Also, survival is considerably easier and our lives are  potentially much more pleasant when we work together. For example, everyone knows that bringing down a wooly mammoth with the tribes' help is much easier and more efficient than trying to do it yourself. That’s why most people naturally prefer to hang out or at least affiliate with a clique of some sort, it’s a  survival mechanism. Getting along with the inhabitants of the other huts on the block not only promotes regular meals and security, it enables you to get your fair share of woolyburgers without having to slay the neighbors.

Social cohesion increased the likelihood, and quality of, survival. Having to share the playground with the other kids is where morality (the rules) come from. Please see, The Righteous Mind, by Jonathan Haidt.

And somebody came up with monogamy. I’m guessing it was ancient history's version of Dear Abby. Under this system, everyone got to have sex, not just the alpha males and their harems. If all the dudes could count on access to, um, companionship, it made the cooperation needed for the hunt less prone to social drama. The dudettes could count on access to, um, companionship, and protection for the kids. This arrangement was/is disproportionately beneficial for dudes. Dudes need their significant dudette to be, among other things, a good mom, a good wife, and often as not, willing and able to work outside the home. This is necessary to counter a given dude's natural tendency to rapidly devolve into a naked ape when left to his own devices.      

   

We figured all this out long before agriculture made villages not only possible but necessary and humans began clawing their way to the top of the food chain (the original corporate ladder). When we reached the point where we could produce more food than we needed it was only natural that folks began to specialize. Most remained farmers, but surplus food made it possible for some people that had abilities that benefited the community to do their thing without having to farm. A relatively reliable supply of food and water (and/or beer) leads to increased populations. If enough people can produce enough food to keep themselves alive and have enough left over to feed specialists such as craftspersons, cops, kings etc. -- well, before you know it, a village becomes a town becomes a city becomes a civilization. The rest is history. History began in Mesopotamia, an area that corresponds roughly to greater modern day Iraq, that fertile crescent thing that gets so much press. Ain’t that ironical in light of recent events. This happened about 3,500 BCE. To be continued.

Have an OK day.

©Mark Mehlmauer 2016

If you access my column via my website, you can like, react, leave a comment or share -- please scroll down. 

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EpiPens

I was, briefly, delighted when the current kerfuffle concerning EpiPens broke out last week.

Red meat for the infotainment industry! Something they would sink their teeth into because EpiPens are ubiquitous, necessary, life-saving devices. They are carried in the backpacks of innocent school children (and the purse of my adult daughter) with certain allergies/conditions to keep them from dying! It's the duty of the infotainment industry to make the public at large aware that yet another greedy, evil, tax dodging corporation run by an evil, greedy, tax dodging CEO is ripping us off!

Because, it's the infotainment industry's (sometimes quaintly called the news media) job, nay duty, to keep the public informed via impartial and professional reportage!

In theory.

Of course, a hot story that affects lots of people means lots of ears and eyeballs. Which means higher ratings. Which is the name of the game. Which is the story behind the story. Which is the story behind many stories.

Because, the more ears and eyeballs, the more money that can be made fueling the 20 or so minutes of advertising in every hour of televised infotainment. Or the more money that can be made by the ever more aggressive methods used to advertise on the web. My current personal favorite shtick is when websites run full blown audio and visual commercials that automatically pop up and that, often as not, require me to go scrolling around to locate, and click to shut down -- if I can find the right place to click. One false move and another tab will open devoted to hyping the product I'm trying to avoid.

[Dana and Marie-Louise have appeared at their assigned shoulders. Dana is bitching about what any of this has to do with EpiPens. Marie-Louise is scratching my back and almost purring. She's proud that although this week's column was already written and ready to go I just got out of a warm comfortable bed and am writing a different one at 3 a.m., Saturday morning. She attributes this to her power as my muse.

Which, is partially true, but the fact that my swollen prostate and aging bladder keep odd hours is a significant factor as well. And now, unable to go back to sleep, well, here we are.]

I was briefly delighted because it was my hope that lots of EpiPen stories might mean a lot less The Donald v. The Hilliam stories. It did  -- for about a half of a New York minute. Before the week was out, The Hilliam attempted to fold it into her campaign by calling for The Gubmint to investigate.

The endless campaign is approaching its current climax, the climax occurs every other year on federal election day and then the cycle starts all over again -- the day after federal election day. Which means, in presidential elections, that one of the two people that have willingly endured at least (usually more) two years of climbing up a steep, jagged mountain, on their knees so they can win one of the most stressful jobs on Earth, will win the ultimate merit badge. Which should, make you think twice about what sort of person would put themselves through such a thing, and then you should vote for Gary Johnson, the real anti-establishment candidate, and supporter of congressional term limits.

Which means, we've reached that point in the process when both candidates spend most of their time playing a spirited game of You suck sweaty socks! No, you suck sweaty socks!

[You suck sweaty socks! exclaims Dana, what's your point! Marie-Louise is smiling, she can see where this is going. Scratch, scratch.]

Where I'm going with all this is that in light of the above, consider the following.

We rely on the infotainment industry to keep us informed. However, many claim the media overall is biased, and oversimplifies, for reasons ranging from laziness to being primarily profit-oriented (less text, more ads) to thinking the public is stupid. How's a person with a life go about finding out whether we can rely on them or not? Well, it's simple actually (you're welcome, GRIN).

Bookmark both the Fox news website and USA Today's website with your browser of choice. Whenever the mood strikes check one, read only the major headlines, and then do the same thing on the other. This will only take a sec'. You'll be amazed.

Obviously important information, particularly important info about The Gubmint, The Hilliam and/or The Donald for example, will turn up on one site, but be completely missing on the other. If you want to go into the weeds a bit more, read an article about the same subject on each site. It doesn't take long, they're deliberately dumbed down so you don't have to think any more than necessary and take up as little of your time as possible. They'd rather you clicked on an ad, or clickbait. Once again, you'll be amazed.

As to EpiPens specifically, consider this. Most coverage, regardless of source, rarely ventures beyond the familiar evil CEO/drug company taking advantage of a monopoly version of events. Even if they do, the headline and the first few paragraphs will probably take that tone. And in this case at least, they're more or less right, although personally I think sleazy is probably a more accurate adjective than evil. The story will probably be made into a movie eventually, one that's very loosely based on reality, stars lots of pretty people with perfect teeth, and the male and female lead will fornicate within the first ten minutes. Why mess with a winning formula?

However, you're much less likely to hear that the incompetence of the FDA, i.e. The Gubmint is the reason one company was able to capture, and continues to maintain, a monopoly. Google that and see what pops up.

In the meantime, various congresspersons, as well as senators and senatorettes (The Gubmint) are vowing to hold hearings to determine how the FDA (The Gubmint) that was established by -- The Gubmint, and is regulated by --The Gubmint, could let this happen. Fear not, The Gubmint will thoroughly investigate The Gubmint and find out how this evil sleazy company has been getting away with this, for years.

A big part of the answer is the screwed up health care system, the one The Gubmint fixed a few years back, the one that's about to launch some significant rate increases. But when it does, The Gubmint will once again investigate itself and straighten everything out.

[Aside: Why do we hate CEOs (saints or sinners) who get paid a ton of money for doing a job most sane people can't/wouldn't want to do but not professional football players (too many sinners, not enough saints) who get paid a ton of money to play a game? Just askin'.]

I gotta' get some sleep.

Have an OK day.

©Mark Mehlmauer 2016

If you access my column via my website, you can like, react, leave a comment or share -- please scroll down. 

Mobile gentlereaders, if I've pleased you, there's additional content to be found via laptop, tablet, and desktop.    

The Pursuit of Contentment (Again)

Someone recently pointed out to me that I've been writing these columns for just over a year now. I missed my first anniversary as a wannabe professional writer. This provoked two reactions.

First, I was kind of bummed. I've been at this for over a year without somehow going viral or someone stepping up and offering to pay me to write? Sheesh. Sure, hundreds of thousands of people, millions for all I know, have the same goal, but I thought God was on my side. 

On the other hand, I'm proud of the fact that I've published a new column every week, as I set out to do. 

If I drop dead as I'm writing this I will have managed to leave a batch of love letters for the Stickies and my daughter and son-in-law, which are what my feeble scribbles actually are. I feel like I've followed through on a New Year's resolution for the first time in my life.

The Pursuit of Contentment, my first column, remains, as far as I can tell, one of my most frequently accessed columns. But the statistics and technical tools helpfully provided by Google (the force behind Blogger which is the force behind my columns) often as not leave me baffled. 

For example, I just managed to accidentally delete the original column, and I have no idea how I did it, or where it went. It was my intention to re-publish my first and most popular (at least I think it is) column so far to celebrate my first anniversary and make it available for anyone not aware of it. 

Fortunately, I just happened to have a copy of the original stored offline, which is amazing since I stuff almost everything into the cloud. 

Anyway, for the record, The Pursuit of Contentment, my very first column, was published on 7.23.15. However, if you go looking, the first column you will find is Republicrats v. Depublicans, 7.29.15, because of my technical incompetence I'm technically challenged. Happy anniversary to me!

When I become king I'm going to order that the phrase, "...the pursuit of happiness" in the Declaration of Independence be replaced with, "...the pursuit of Contentment."

As to precisely what Mr. Jefferson meant by the original phrase, well, that depends on which scholarly interpretation you choose to accept. I'm not a scholar, nor do I play one on TV. I've conducted a (brief) in-depth study and the result was a mild headache and an inexplicable desire to watch reality show marathons.

Since I plan to alter one of the nation's most sacred and fundamental founding documents once I become the King, I must explain the logic at work in this fantasy.

Granted, my critics may claim that any logic promulgated by a man that thinks he should be the king of America should be dismissed as pretzel logic. Two quick points. First, I promise to be a benevolent tyrant. Also, note the fact that I refer to myself as I, not we, a clear demonstration of my sincerity.

To me, and I suspect I'm not alone, the right to pursue happiness means that we — Americans (well, everyone actually), not my would-be royal personage — have the right to choose whatever course of action that we find agreeable, within certain limits, that we feel (hope) will make us happy.

I use the phrase within certain limits because most of us semi-rational adults, though unfortunately not all, understand that we're not the king/queen of, or even the only kid on, the playground. This is important. We must share the swings, sliding board, etc. with others.

However, there's a problem. It's human nature to believe that once a certain goal or desire is realized, we will, at long last, be happy. "Once I graduate, turn 16, 18, 21 or 65, get the job, have sex, win the lottery, retire or _____, I WILL BE HAPPY!" and we will — until we're not.

This tendency is amplified by a consumer culture that bombards us with a firestorm of advertising promising happiness will at long last arrive, via UPS, in 3 to 5 business days. Feelings, like coins, flip easily.

Contentment is also a feeling, of course, but I use it here in a philosophic sense, as a way of looking at things and a strategery for getting through the day. I wish to change a common noun to a proper noun, kings can do stuff like that. Full disclosure: I freely admit that what follows is merely my personal, highly condensed take on a particular aspect of Stoicism, a philosophy that's been with us for over 2,000 years.

Also, I must acknowledge my debt to a book you should read called, "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy" by William B. Irvine. And, to my late wife, Ronbo, who always insisted on looking on the bright side... which sometimes pissed me off (GRIN).


It could always be worse, much worse.

This is the central tenet of King Crank's Philosophy of Contentment. Be thou a believer (in God, a God, or the Gods), an atheist, an agnostic, or _______, the fact remains that if you choose to keep showing up you're going to occasionally experience happiness.

You will also occasionally get caught in a crap storm. Mostly, you will just be doing what needs to be done to keep body and soul together. This is often boring, which may lead us to pursue happiness and explains why it's relatively easy to sell us lottery tickets, politicians, and beauty aids.

How do I maintain my contentment buzz in the midst of a crap storm? Reminding myself that it could be worse fosters a sense of gratitude. Gratitude is important because while our wants are seemingly limitless, what we are given is not.

If you know any recovered drunks or druggies, ask them to explain the phrase, "attitude of gratitude." Being grateful for what I have serves to curb my longing for what I don't. I still want stuff, but I seek Contentment in what I do have today, not what I might have tomorrow.

When I go out to eat I sometimes find myself wishing I could afford a better restaurant than one where the decor includes much in the way of brightly colored petroleum byproducts. Of course, I'm fortunate to be able to eat out at all, or even to count on regular meals since many Earthlings can't.

And Wendy's is waaay better than having to sharpen my spear, round up the gang, and engage in mortal combat with a wooly mammoth.

Have an OK day.