I'm a Wild-Eyed Libertarian and Free Marketeer with a Bleeding Heart and Conservative Impulses

...And I want to be the king

Photo by Valario Davis on Unsplash

If you're new here, this is a weekly column consisting of letters written to my (eventual) grandchildren (who exist) and my great-grandchildren (who don't, yet) -- the Stickies -- to haunt them after they become grups and/or I'm dead.

[The following column is rated SSC (Sexy Seasoned Citizens). If read by grups or callowyutes it may result in psychological/emotional/etceteralogical triggering.]

                                                 Glossary  

                                                   About

Irregularly Appearing Imaginary Guest Star: Dana -- A gentlereader

"Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial we." -Mark Twain


Dear (eventual) Grandstickies & Great-Grandstickies (& gentlereaders),

I have, in past letters described myself -- politically speaking -- by using various variations of the title of this missive. My current official position is exactly the same as the current title.

This clarification is important since I plan on running for King of the United States of America next year.

Note that I said next year. I would spare you the endless horror of the Permanent Campaign. If elected king I shall post a proclamation proclaiming that aggressive campaigning prior to the last three months before an election is tasteless, tacky and expensive and recommend that Congress legislates accordingly.

Two years after I'm crowned I'll hold a national, binding referendum on my monarchy and step down if the Citizens of the Republic (C.O.R) want me to. This referendum will also come with a yes or no question to vote on.

"Shall the Princes of the Senate and the Rent-a-Rats of the House of Representatives be subject to term limits?" That should prove interesting.

Also, I'm going...     

[Hey! You! Mr. hey look, it's a squirrel! Given that you admit to tweaking, however subtly, your official position over the course of the years, doesn't that make you just another freakin' flip-flopper?]

Technically, I suppose it does, Dana. But although a politician, in theory, must stand for something, they must also be practical if they are to get and/or stay elected.

Flip-flopping, as well as carefully crafted after spinning, is a time-honored tool in the successful politician's toolbox.

[Well then why should anyone vote for you, you're just like...]

No, I'm not.

When I do an obvious flip-flop and stick the landing, or just change/refine my position a bit, if asked why I'll just shrug my shoulders and say, "I've changed my mind." There will be no weasely "walking back" that insults the intelligence of the COR.

If I feel an explanation is necessary I'll release a statement of clarification (S.O.C.).

[But what about...]

And while we're on this subject, no more White House daily press briefings.

[But you can't...]

Sure I can, they're not mandated by law. Reporters will be welcome to submit written questions about anything they like. My administration will answer whichever ones we think are worth answering.

[But if you do that...]

The purple journalists will be limited to performing in/on/at their own venues. If a question is ignored that they think demands an answer, they can call us out. If the public agrees, we'll either be forced to answer or take a hit.

BIG BUT,

This will help any administration, that chooses to, to run things with the big picture in mind -- as opposed to the goofy way we're doing things now. The Gummit of the United States is run like a high-school that has turned the school over to the students, all of whom are social media mavens.

It's time to put the adults back in charge. The adults that do all the work and pay all the taxes out here in the real world so they can live their lives without having to worry that their government's been replaced by:

The Gummit

the ultimate in reality television

(premiering this fall on ABS -- All BS, all the time)

[Wait a sec', what's any of this got to do with the title of...] 

You started it. Besides, this column features "the wit and wisdom of a garrulous geezer," remember? Garrulous, according to Merriam-Webster, refers to a person that's "given to prosy, rambling, or tedious loquacity."

[Sure, but...]

I'll consider releasing a SOC, let's move on, please.  

I'm a wild-eyed Libertarian and free marketeer, that is to say:

"I want the playground to have minimum rules and maximum fun. I want just enough rules to give everyone an equal shot at some swing time and neutralize the bullies." -me

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." (My emboldenization.)

If you don't know the source of the second quote you should be sentenced to a week, maybe two, in one of Emperor Xi's concentration camps.


With a bleeding heart...

What any given Libertarian believes, by definition, is going to be anywhere from slightly to radically different from what any other given Libertarian believes. We like it that way.

There shouldn't even be a Libertarian party. That's like having a party of cats, whose platform would consist of the only plank they could all agree on. It is resolved that all cats have the freedom to sleep as much as they want.

Sleeping is a right!

Libertarians should strive to be a viable wing of both the Republicrat and the Depublican parties.

The libertarian wing of the Republicrat party of the most prosperous (and lucky) nation the planet Earth has ever produced should fight for a safety net that harnesses the power of the marketplace and the common sense of the citizens.

Singapore's been doing it for years. Why can't we? Their system works better than ours and (per-capita) costs half as much. They have actual interest-earning money set aside for retirements, not a trust fund full of paper promises that's going broke.

As for the Depublican party, if they had a libertarian wing perhaps they could be talked off the ledge before they leap into the abyss of socialism.


And conservative impulses...

Liberty without responsibility is anarchy -- the zombie apocalypse kind, not the starry-eyed idealist's version. Any properly brought up kid knows that's how you run a cool playground.

That's why an ad-hoc committee consisting of me, Loopy de' Loupe and Nick the Greek ratted out the 22nd Street playground pool pooper to one of the cool lifeguards, who administered swift and terrible justice. The miscreant was banned from the pool for the rest of the summer.

I've got a bunch of conservative impulses that are the result of my version of a currently fashionable notion, "lived experience," but I don't wish to trigger anyone so I'll stop here.

I shall undermine our modern-day Jacobins, who worship at the feet of St. Robespierre, with love and snarcasm.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

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P.S. Gentlereaders, for 25¢ a week, no, seriously, for 25¢ a week you can become a patron of this weekly column and help to prevent an old crank from running the streets at night in search of cheap thrills and ill-gotten gains. Just click here or on the Patreon button at the top or bottom of my website. 

If you do your Amazon shopping by clicking on an Amazon link above or below Amazon will toss a few cents in my direction every time you buy something.

Or, you can just buy me a coffee.  

Your friendly neighborhood crank is not crazy about social media (I am a crank after all) but if you must, you can like me/follow me on Facebook. I post an announcement when I have a new column available as well as news articles/opinion pieces that reflect where I'm coming from or that I wish to call attention to.

©2019 Mark Mehlmauer As long as you agree to include the name of my website (The Flyoverland Crank) and the URL (Creative Commons license at the top and bottom of the website) you may republish this anywhere that you please. Light editing that doesn't alter the content is acceptable. You don't have to include any of the folderol before the greeting or after the closing except for the title. 








 



  

Purple Journalism (Vol. 2)

Photo by Orlova Maria on Unsplash

Please note: This column has been rendered gender-neutral (& should be read accordingly) and approved for publication by the City Council of Berkely, California. All personal pronouns that would unfairly presume to indicate the gender identity of the H. sapiens mentioned (he, she, etc.) without their approval have been rendered as they or them to avoid the unintentional infliction of triggering or verbal violence upon their persons.    

However, my use of the term BIG BUT, twice in the same column, has been referred to the sub-committee for the investigation of thought crime and hate speech because of the potential offending of the calorically challenged community. Being a member in good standing of said community, I've referred myself to a psychiatrist to determine if I have self-hate issues -- and in the hope of scoring some good meds.


If you're new here, this is a weekly column consisting of letters written to my (eventual) grandchildren (who exist) and my great-grandchildren (who don't, yet) -- the Stickies -- to haunt them after they become grups and/or I'm dead.

[The following column is rated SSC (Sexy Seasoned Citizens). If read by grups and callowyutes it may result in psychological/emotional/etceteralogical triggering.]

                                                
                                                  Glossary  

                                         Just who IS this guy?


Irregularly Appearing Imaginary Guest Star: Dana -- A gentlereader

"When I was a child I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me the doctors, he they used me as a night light." -Les Dawson


Dear (eventual) Grandstickies & Great-Grandstickies (& gentlereaders),

"Purple Journalism: journalism as currently perpetrated by many news outlets that claim to be professional, unbiased, and factual. In reality, they are partisan, prone to sensationalism, and motivated primarily by the bottom line." -me

I'm not a fan of the Donald. Not now, not then. I voted for the goofy libertarian guy because I couldn't vote for either the Donald or the Billary. After all, I am a wild-eyed libertarian and free marketer with a bleeding heart and conservative impulses.

[Not then?]

Dana, you've been showing up a lot lately, not that I mind you understand I...

[Hey, I'm a creation of your subconscious, it's not like I have control over...]

Point taken. I guess I'm just missing Iggy and Marie-Louise.

[Not then?]

What? Oh, I mean when they first entered my personal infosphere, when they published their (and some ghostwriters) bestseller, The Art of the Deal, and the Orange One was turning up here, there, and this one time even way over there.

I tried reading it and found it to be lighter and fluffier than my mum's pancakes. And yet it was a bestseller, so whaddaiknow? P.T. Barnum lives? And they did manage to get themselves elected president of the United States of America without even spending much of their own money.

For the record, I've always thought that claiming that the Pooteen played the role of the man behind the curtain was goofy... although they are more powerful than the Wizard of Oz turned out to be ("Oz never did give nothin' to the Tin Man"). And they are, no doubt, a world-class bully and dick-tater.


The paragraphs above are a preface to the actual subject of this semi-humble missive, Jake Tapper, well-known employee of one of the all Trump all the time news networks, CNN.

If you set aside the occasional exceptions that prove the rule -- so that they can claim/pretend to be objective news sources that carefully separate fact from opinion -- CNN, like most of its brethren, is in the biased infotainment business.

For example, CNN is (mostly) all anti -- the Donald -- all the time. FOX is (mostly) all pro -- the Donald -- all the time.

There's good money to be made promoting polarization and pathos. Infotainment = current events + a reality show ethos. 

While I know what (and who) I believe and where I stand, I go out of my way to reject promoting polarization and creating conflict for entertainment. I try to avoid sexing (and violencing) up reality to capture the attention of jaded, entertainment obsessed Americans (like me).

Making fun of everybody and calling out naked emperors is more fun, and ultimately I suspect, more useful.


The Tapper, if you're not familiar, is the CNN White House correspondent semi-famous for their performances at White House press briefings -- staring the Tapper.

I fully support pain in the ass journalists in search of the truth for truth's sake.

BIG BUT,

Self-aggrandizing journalists with an ego as big as their agenda who believe that once they've decided the object of their wrath is the work of/spawn of Satan and they should shift into End Justifies the Means Mode and abandon objectivity and the ethical norms of their profession for the sake of justice/resistance/mom's apple pie (made with locally sourced organic apples)...

I've got a problem with that.

Particularly if a given reporter, like the Tapper, for example, writes a book in which they come back down from the mountain to declare that "Purists in the field of journalism and academics opining from the safety of the classroom can lament the downfall of neutrality. But neutrality for the sake of neutrality doesn't really serve us in the age of Trump."

I have not and will not read the book. The passage above is quoted all over the place and the Tapper is not claiming it's taken out of context. Call me biased if you like but as far as I'm concerned that's as much as I need to know. 

Another BIG BUT... 

Common sense would seem to indicate that, of course, no journalist is actually capable of being truly neutral. This is not a characteristic of H. sapiens generally, or your average Joe/Joan Bagadonuts -- not traditional donuts, of course, I speak of healthy, gluten-free donut alternatives (if there is such a thing) -- specifically. 

A journalist should strive to gather as many relevant, objective facts as possible and present the customer (us) with what they honestly believe to be the objective truth to aid us in making our way through another difficult day in the Information Age. 

I myself would love to be guided by the Tapper's wisdom and personal opinions but I would prefer them to labeled as such, that is to say, as commentaries, for the sake of clarity.


Bonus! And you won't be charged extra. I found this (disturbing) story on the Fox News website a while back but never got around to passing it on. It's both a (lump of) News That You Can Use and an outstanding example of pure Purple Journalism. 

It's an article about a two and a half centimeter long lump of ear wax with pictures and video. 

Earwax clump clogging entire ear canal removed from patient: 'Look at that!' 

By the way, only the wax was removed, not the entire ear canal, the headline is easily misconstrued.

I gotta go or I'm going to late for an appointment with my otolaryngologist. Poppa loves you. 

Have an OK day. 
Please scroll down to react, comment, share, assuage guilt, or shop at Amazon.

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P.S. Gentlereaders, for 25¢ a week, no, seriously, for 25¢ a week you can become a patron of this weekly column and help to prevent an old crank from running the streets at night in search of cheap thrills and ill-gotten gains. Just click here or on the Patreon button at the top or bottom of my website. 

If you do your Amazon shopping by clicking on an Amazon link above or below Amazon will toss a few cents in my direction every time you buy something.

Or, you can just buy me a coffee.  

Your friendly neighborhood crank is not crazy about social media (I am a crank after all) but if you must, you can like me/follow me on Facebook. I post an announcement when I have a new column available as well as news articles/opinion pieces that reflect where I'm coming from or that I wish to call attention to.

©2019 Mark Mehlmauer As long as you agree to supply my name and URL (Creative Commons license at the top and bottom of my website) you may republish this anywhere that you please. Light editing that doesn't alter the content is acceptable. You don't have to include any of the folderol before the greeting or after the closing except for the title. 



  

  


 

Dateline: Paris, France

News That You Can Use (Vol. 5)

pixabay

If you're new here, this is a weekly column consisting of letters written to my (eventual) grandchildren (who exist) and my great-grandchildren (who don't, yet) -- the Stickies -- to haunt them after they become grups and/or I'm dead.

[The following column is rated SSC (Sexy Seasoned Citizens). If read by grups or callowyutes it may result in psychological/emotional/etceteralogical triggering.]

                                                 Glossary  

                                         Just who IS this guy?


Irregularly Appearing Imaginary Guest Star: Dana -- A gentlereader

"The truthiness is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news 'at' you." -Stephen Colbert 

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies & Great-grandstickies (& gentlereaders),

Marie-Louise and Iggy came to me in a dream recently to inform me that Iggy has been selected by a rich, powerful, low profile polymath to live with him on his secret island and be his protege/heir/student (he and his wife are childless).

All the result of a random encounter at the Louvre when he and his wife overheard Marie-Louise and Iggy having a friendly argument about I.M. Pei's pyramid and joined in the discussion. I guess the controversy still simmers.

Well, I didn't see that coming! Although I'll miss the Iggmeister, plans have already been made for me to visit next Christmas. Anyways, I've no right to interfere in this once in a lifetime opportunity.

Iggy will get to finish growing up and have a life like the one I might've had if my family of dissolute European aristocrats had not sold me to Gypsies.

This, as you know, was the first link in a chain of events that led eventually to my "father" winning me in a poker game at the Gem Saloon in Deadwood, South Dakota.

Marie-Louise will stay with him for the foreseeable future but continue to inspire me from afar. As to...

[Cough, cough. What happened to news that they can use?]

I'm just taking care of some necessary column housekeeping, Dana. Besides, I do have a couple of fans that will regard the above as news they can use.


News That You Can Use (No 4), I recently discovered, was published back in March. Speaking of housekeeping, having recently turned three (the column, not me) I've been cleaning/updating/reorganizing/etceterizing. I found N.T.Y.C.U. (No. 4) being used to level a wobbly table in the armory.

Methinks it's time for a new column.

Dateline, France: France turns down citizenship for immigrant nurse because 'she works too much' 

Summary of the article linked to above: the nurse in question has to wait for two extra years to become a citizen of France because she has flaunted French law. She has regularly and routinely ignored the statute that makes it illegal to work more than 48 hours a week (including overtime, which apparently starts after 35 hours).

This unscrupulous, villainous healthcare professional has three jobs and averages a total of 59 hours a week taking care of patients.


Technically, the following news is olds because it's been true for quite some time. Still, it's good to know that the region -- world-famous manufacturing, hi-technology, and health care hub -- continues to thrive. 

Dateline: The Swamp. The 5 Counties with the Highest Median Household Income All Reside in the D.C. Area

Summary of the article linked to above: as the article's title indicates, the five
counties bordering the Swamp have the highest median household income in the United States of America... And that's all I have to say about that.


Dateline: Berkely, People's Republic of California. The City Council of Berkeley governs at the bleeding edge of Wokeness. Recently, in the course of the same week, they passed two laws. One to promote social justice and one to save the environment.

Never let it be said that the taxpayers of Berkely ain't gettin' their money's worth.

Berkely becomes first U.S. city to ban natural gas in new homes    

Gendered language like 'manhole' will soon be banned from Berkley's civil codes

As to the Nat gas ban, starting on the first day of next year the new law "requires all new single-family homes, townhomes and small apartment buildings to have electric infrastructure."

The council plans to eventually expand the law to cover all new buildings and have created a new, full-time gummit job for someone to make sure that nobody tries to put up a new building that uses natural gas. 

The job will pay $273,341 per year.

[Wanting to do my bit to save the planet, I hereby volunteer to do the job for only $270,341 per year -- if I get paid by the hour.] 

As to gendered language in general, manhole in particular, I probably should resist the temptation to repeat a very old joke that could possibly trigger all sorts of marginalized victims of this, that, and that other thing. 

[Are you referring to -- What's another name for sanitary napkins? manhole covers? -- you're right, you probably shouldn't mention it.] 

I just thought of something, I wonder what they're going to do about the obviously cisgendered/patriarchal/sexist/etceterist practice of referring to the two halves of various connectors as male and female?

Innies and outies? Anyways... 


Dateline: Paris, France. The Shift Project a...

[Wait-wait-wait. Everyone knows that Paris is in France. Who are you trying to impress? Geez, ain't it bad enough this thing started with a mention of the Lourve?]

Asamatterafact, I have a nephew who lives in Paris. Paris, Pennsylvania. Asamatterafact there are 23 cities in the USA called Paris. So why don't you just...

[Fine, let's just move on.]

Harrumph. The Shift Project, "...a French think tank advocating the shift to a post-carbon economy" has completed a study and discovered that "Digital technologies now emit 4% of greenhouse gas (GHG) emissions, that is to say, more than civil aviation" (my comma after say, their emboldeninization).

That is also to say, they say, that online video alone is responsible for 1% of global GHG emissions. Binge-watching is destroying the planet!

Solution?

The imposition of "Digital Sobriety" by legislation before it's too late. I can't recommend reading the Key Takeaways portion of the study (it's at the very beginning) enough.

And just because I can, I wish to point out that study somehow figured out that watching porn is responsible for almost .2% of GHG emissions. 

Poppa loves you, 
Have an OK day 

Please scroll down to react, comment, share, assuage guilt, or shop at Amazon.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
P.S. Gentlereaders, for 25¢ a week, no, seriously, for 25¢ a week you can become a patron of this weekly column and help to prevent an old crank from running the streets at night in search of cheap thrills and ill-gotten gains. Just click here or on the Patreon button at the top or bottom of my website. 

If you do your Amazon shopping by clicking on an Amazon link above or below Amazon will toss a few cents in my direction every time you buy something.

Or, you can just buy me a coffee.  

Your friendly neighborhood crank is not crazy about social media (I am a crank after all) but if you must, you can like me/follow me on Facebook. I post an announcement when I have a new column available as well as news articles/opinion pieces that reflect where I'm coming from or that I wish to call attention to.

©2019 Mark Mehlmauer As long as you agree to supply my name and URL (Creative Commons license at the top and bottom of my website) you may republish this anywhere that you please. Light editing that doesn't alter the content is acceptable. You don't have to include any of the folderol before the greeting or after the closing (Have an OK day) except for the title.