Friday, August 9, 2019

I'm a Wild-Eyed Libertarian and Free Marketeer with a Bleeding Heart and Conservative Impulses

...And I want to be the king

grayscale photography of boy taking off sunglasses
Photo by Valario Davis on Unsplash

If you're new here, this is a weekly column consisting of letters written to my (eventual) grandchildren (who exist) and my great-grandchildren (who don't, yet) -- the Stickies -- to haunt them after they become grups and/or I'm dead.

[The following column is rated SSC (Sexy Seasoned Citizens). If read by grups or callowyutes it may result in psychological/emotional/etceteralogical triggering.]



Irregularly Appearing Imaginary Guest Star: Dana -- A gentlereader

"Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial we." -Mark Twain

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies & Great-Grandstickies (& gentlereaders),

I have, in past letters described myself -- politically speaking -- by using various variations of the title of this missive. My current official position is exactly the same as the current title.

This clarification is important since I plan on running for King of the United States of America next year.

Note that I said next year. I would spare you the endless horror of the Permanent Campaign. If elected king I shall post a proclamation proclaiming that aggressive campaigning prior to the last three months before an election is tasteless, tacky and expensive and recommend that Congress legislates accordingly.

Two years after I'm crowned I'll hold a national, binding referendum on my monarchy and step down if the Citizens of the Republic (C.O.R) want me to. This referendum will also come with a yes or no question to vote on.

"Shall the Princes of the Senate and the Rent-a-Rats of the House of Representatives be subject to term limits?" That should prove interesting.

Also, I'm going...     

[Hey! You! Mr. hey look, it's a squirrel! Given that you admit to tweaking, however subtly, your official position over the course of the years, doesn't that make you just another freakin' flip-flopper?]

Technically, I suppose it does, Dana. But although a politician, in theory, must stand for something, they must also be practical if they are to get and/or stay elected.

Flip-flopping, as well as carefully crafted after spinning, is a time-honored tool in the successful politician's toolbox.

[Well then why should anyone vote for you, you're just like...]

No, I'm not.

When I do an obvious flip-flop and stick the landing, or just change/refine my position a bit, if asked why I'll just shrug my shoulders and say, "I've changed my mind." There will be no weasely "walking back" that insults the intelligence of the COR.

If I feel an explanation is necessary I'll release a statement of clarification (S.O.C.).

[But what about...]

And while we're on this subject, no more White House daily press briefings.

[But you can't...]

Sure I can, they're not mandated by law. Reporters will be welcome to submit written questions about anything they like. My administration will answer whichever ones we think are worth answering.

[But if you do that...]

The purple journalists will be limited to performing in/on/at their own venues. If a question is ignored that they think demands an answer, they can call us out. If the public agrees, we'll either be forced to answer or take a hit.


This will help any administration, that chooses to, to run things with the big picture in mind -- as opposed to the goofy way we're doing things now. The Gummit of the United States is run like a high-school that has turned the school over to the students, all of whom are social media mavens.

It's time to put the adults back in charge. The adults that do all the work and pay all the taxes out here in the real world so they can live their lives without having to worry that their government's been replaced by:

The Gummit
the ultimate in reality television

(premiering this fall on ABS -- All BS, all the time)

[Wait a sec', what's any of this got to do with the title of...

You started it. Besides, this column features "the wit and wisdom of a garrulous geezer," remember? Garrulous, according to Merriam-Webster, refers to a person that's "given to prosy, rambling, or tedious loquacity."

[Sure, but...]

I'll consider releasing a SOC, let's move on, please.  

I'm a wild-eyed Libertarian and free marketeer, that is to say:

"I want the playground to have minimum rules and maximum fun. I want just enough rules to give everyone an equal shot at some swing time and neutralize the bullies." -me

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." (My emboldenization.)

If you don't know the source of the second quote you should be sentenced to a week, maybe two, in one of Emperor Xi's concentration camps.

With a bleeding heart...

What any given Libertarian believes, by definition, is going to be anywhere from slightly to radically different from what any other given Libertarian believes. We like it that way.

There shouldn't even be a Libertarian party. That's like having a party of cats, whose platform would consist of the only plank they could all agree on. It is resolved that all cats have the freedom to sleep as much as they want.

Sleeping is a right!

Libertarians should strive to be a viable wing of both the Republicrat and the Depublican parties.

The libertarian wing of the Republicrat party of the most prosperous (and lucky) nation the planet Earth has ever produced should fight for a safety net that harnesses the power of the marketplace and the common sense of the citizens.

Singapore's been doing it for years. Why can't we? Their system works better than ours and (per-capita) costs half as much. They have actual interest-earning money set aside for retirements, not a trust fund full of paper promises that's going broke.

As for the Depublican party, if they had a libertarian wing perhaps they could be talked off the ledge before they leap into the abyss of socialism.

And conservative impulses...

Liberty without responsibility is anarchy -- the zombie apocalypse kind, not the starry-eyed idealist's version. Any properly brought up kid knows that's how you run a cool playground.

That's why an ad-hoc committee consisting of me, Loopy de' Loupe and Nick the Greek ratted out the 22nd Street playground pool pooper to one of the cool lifeguards, who administered swift and terrible justice. The miscreant was banned from the pool for the rest of the summer.

I've got a bunch of conservative impulses that are the result of my version of a currently fashionable notion, "lived experience," but I don't wish to trigger anyone so I'll stop here.

I shall undermine our modern-day Jacobins, who worship at the feet of St. Robespierre, with love and snarcasm.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

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©2019 Mark Mehlmauer As long as you agree to include the name of my website (The Flyoverland Crank) and the URL (Creative Commons license at the top and bottom of the website) you may republish this anywhere that you please. Light editing that doesn't alter the content is acceptable. You don't have to include any of the folderol before the greeting or after the closing except for the title. 



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