Permanent Record Cards

[Gentlereaders, for those of you keeping track, this week was supposed to be the third letter to my (eventual) grandstickies and great-grandstickies. So far, I've been relaying my impressions of the recent presidential reality show and its subsequent aftershocks. I'd planned on discussing why I think the Donald, the Wizard of Oz of the new millennium, won in spite of the fact that most of the members of the infotainment industry who specialize in this sort of thing predicted otherwise.

I tried. But I'm up to here with the nonstop daily speculations, and the speculations about speculations, of the 24-hour news cycle. If George Washington found a way to be transported forward in time to our era I think he would want to know at what point we had decided to switch to an elected monarch, and why. Well, at least we get to pick our king or queen and can fire them in four years. 

The reason, of course, for the nonstop daily speculations, and the speculations about speculations, is because The Gubmint is so large, so powerful, and in hock up to Uncle Sam's nose. Not exactly what George and his homies had in mind. 

I'll return to the subject of how the Donald pulled it off next week. In the meantime, below is something I wrote a while back about The Gubmint, a business that lives off of The Gubmint, and my adventures in Catholic grade school. 

Spoiler: 2,700,000,000.

Begged question: If Mr. Peabody could perfect a WAYBAC machine, did he ever try his paw at going way forward?]



For reasons not worth bothering you with, I googled the phrase, "total number of civilian employees of the US federal government" which, I thought, was the sort of query that was so obvious and straightforward that the answer would not only be the very first hit, Google might even display the number within the first hit, obviating the need to even click on it.

Nope.

The very first hit was a page published by opm.gov. Clicking on it brought up a chart that displayed civilian and military employment numbers from 1962 to 2014. OPM? hmm, I wonder, what that might be? I went to the opm.gov home page and encountered a large and impressive blue and gold banner (that included a shield) for the NATIONAL BACKGROUND INVESTIGATIONS BUREAU.

What!?! Uh-oh, they've finally got me. Sister Mary McGillicuddy wasn't telling a little white lie in an effort to control/motivate the little heathens in her charge. I actually do have a Permanent Record Card, and the NBIC has caught up with me. Well, it was a good run, it took them almost six four decades to get around to me. They must really have a huge backlog.

I started thinking about all of the sins/transgressions/bad grades/etc. I had accumulated in my 39 years here on Earth. Wait a sec', that's just an ex-Catholic thing. Oh, sorry, those gentlereaders (and my G & G-Gs) that didn't go to an American Catholic grade school prior to when it became possible to be an American Catholic and still believe pretty much whatever you want, this must be confusing.

All through Catholic grade school (my parents couldn't afford the tuition so I don't know if this applied to Catholic high school at the time) we were warned that we had a Permanent Record Card and that it would follow us for the rest of our lives. Our PRC not only contained a detailed listing of all of our grades and such, any given nun or lay-teacher, any given year, had the power to write anything they wanted on our card.

I have an image in my head of a huge, shabby, nondescript warehouse located in a seedy, decayed neighborhood somewhere in inner city Pittsburgh. One of its many large, cavernous rooms contains thousands of dusty file cabinets filled with Permanent Record Cards.

The average potential employer doesn't even know that it exists, or that there are warehouses just like it scattered all over America. But The Gubmint, the gubmints, private detectives (legitimate and otherwise), and the world's espionage agencies know.

After my heart rate and breathing returned to normal and my more or less rational side reasserted itself, I thought, wait a minute, my computer hasn't locked up, powered down, or exploded. No one is crashing through the door screaming, "Get down, everybody down!" like they do on TV. Not so much as even a bogus warning message that terrible things were about to happen if I didn't do as instructed.

Phew! That was embarrassing. Dana, my imaginary gentlereader, and Marie-Louise, my beautiful muse, started giggling and high-fiving each other.

I ignored them and then set out to determine, what exactly is The National Background Investigations Bureau? So, I clicked on the about button of opm.gov and discovered the following.

Vision Statement: "The OPM will become America's model employer for the 21st century." Go big or go home! (or, be vague and relax, there's a lot of years left in the 21st century).

Mission: "Recruit, retain and honor a world-class workforce for the American people"

Ahh! It's The Gubmint's HR department. I'll bet OPM stands for Office of Personnel Management. Okey dokey. Wait a minute... this adventure began when I clicked on opm.gov and the big, scary National Backgrounds Investigation Bureau banner appeared on my screen.

I returned to opm.gov and discovered an < and a > at opposite ends of the big, scary banner. My bad. I started clicking on >s and discovered other banners. This agency must be huge. Well, considering the size of The Gubmint, I guess that makes sense. I went exploring. Oh yeah -- the web pages go on seemingly forever. Not exactly shocking -- been there, done that.

[Update. If you go to opm.gov you will most likely encounter a different first banner than the one I did, they change and rotate them.]

If you've never experienced the joy of wandering around any of the websites published by The Gubmint, pick any -- The Gubmint -- entity you can think of and go a-googling. Tabs will multiply faster than the interest and penalties on an IRS judgment.

Also, you might discover one or more private businesses that depend on The Gubmint teat. For example, on this particular journey, I discovered something called FCW (Federal Computer Week --  I'm not sure exactly how I landed there) which is a weekly magazine that "... provides federal technology executives with the information, ideas, and strategies necessary to successfully navigate the complex world of federal business."

Huh? Well, FCW is owned by the 1105 Government Information Group, and according to themselves, "... is the leading provider of integrated information and media to the government market." They do this via five different publications that specialize in keeping track of what up, in five different sectors of The Gubmint.

[Dana, my imaginary gentlereader speaks. What's yer point? Is there a point to any of this bonkercockie?  Oui, ze point please, chimes in Marie-Louise, my muse]

In case you're wondering if I have a point, of course I do, don't I always? -- eventually.

I set out to discover how many civilians work for The Gubmint and discovered that The Gubmint is so huge that a privately owned, for-profit firm exists that makes money by supplying information to employees of The Gubmint -- about The Gubmint.

Where does the money come from? They sell advertising to firms that sell goods and services to -- The Gubmint.

Insert background sounds of a busy bar (murmur, murmur -- clink, clink, etc.) here

"So, where do you work?"

"I write for a publication you've never heard of called Federal Computer Week, its..."

"You must be kidding! Everyone at work is passing around an article from FCW titled, "Government Needs Digital Transformation to Reverse Sliding Satisfaction."  

"You're kidding me! a friend of mine did that one. Where do you work?"

And they lived happily ever after.

Have an OK day.


©2016 Mark Mehlmauer

The History of the World (Part Seven)

Free Trade: Part Two.

In our last episode, I discussed losing my job because of (ominous musical fanfare): The Great Recession. I pointed out that this was/is, generally speaking, a fact. However, I went on and on (you know how I get...) to demonstrate that specifically speaking, the particular reason was/is hard to pin down.

This is true because if I look at what happened via a big picture view, and strive for objectivity, I can observe any number of seemingly concrete facts. But which particular combination of concrete facts resulted in my losing the last real job I had is nothing more than a best guess. And what about facts that I may be completely unaware of? Sheesh, it would seem that economics, like everything else in life, is mostly just a best guess, based on (hopefully) known facts, and subject to our built-in biases.

Macroeconomists, like all social scientists, are much better at explaining things afterward than in making predictions. Why? variables. Just like the weatherman, they have to deal with myriad known unknowns, and, unknown unknowns. Which is a very fancy way of saying they try and make predictions about systems that are so complex in nature that an educated guess is as good as it gets.

This is why a minimally regulated market works better than a highly regulated market. This is why when you go to the supermarket most of the thousands of competitively priced products they carry are always in stock -- literally millions of specialists pursuing their own self-interest and freely trading with each other. This is why communism and strict versions of socialism don't work, it's physically impossible for politicians and bureaucrats to efficiently do what the market does effortlessly.  

If we’re truly free, we’re free to trade. Common sense suggests that both sides in a given transaction are getting something they want out of it or it wouldn’t happen. Life on Earth being what it is, in spite of what we would like it to be, there’s no guarantee the result of a given transaction is going to be completely fair and equitable for both sides. Let the buyer beware, but let the buyer buy, if they want to. Prosecute the weasels, enforce the contracts, read Consumer Reports and ask dad, mom or your dutch uncle what they think. Secure your _______ and jump.

You’ll win some, you’ll lose some, and some will have mixed results. Take comfort in the fact that when you win one the other side may hate and resent you, or at least be thoroughly depressed, often without even having ever actually met you. The entrepreneur that went bankrupt because you didn’t think their world-changing product was worth your money comes to mind. There are no unemployment checks for failed entrepreneurs. Of course, if you fail on a large enough scale The Gubmint may step in and save your bum. And that’s not fair -- unless, of course, your job or business is on the line. But that’s not how it’s supposed to work, and you can’t count on it.

Adam Smith said, “Consumption is the sole end and purpose of all production; and the interest of the producer ought to be attended to, only so far as it may be necessary for promoting that of the consumer.”

In other words, the cut-throat competition of the marketplace usually ensures that the customer wins. The huge honking downside is that any given particular producer --  which includes owners, management, and labor -- is subject to being destroyed by its competition.

“The art of economics consists in looking not merely at the immediate but at the longer effects of any act or policy; it consists in tracing the consequences of that policy not merely for one group but for all groups,” Henry Hazlitt (my emphasis.)  Notice the use of the word art, not science.

“Oh yeah,?  Well that’s all well and good but NAFTA screwed everything up and now they want to do that new one and….”  Whoa cowperson, obviously anyone who lost a job because of NAFTA may understandably be reconsidering not only the wisdom of free trade agreements but capitalism in general. This will no doubt be on their minds while they’re driving to Wally World to take advantage of the low prices and all that stuff in one place in an American made car that’s chock full of parts manufactured all over the globe (as virtually everything is).

Yes, people lose jobs when a trade agreement is implemented and/or a tariff is eliminated. Other jobs are created or expanded, but unfortunately, this is virtually impossible to document with anything resembling precision, which is why both sides can plausibly argue their position. However, economists don’t agree on much but they overwhelmingly agree that free trade will, overall, generate at least as many jobs in a given country as it erases. Also, the consumer (that is, everyone) always wins. The producers (and by extension, their employees) may win or lose. We all want good, secure jobs. But we also all want lots of food, toys, and fun -- for which we wish to pay as little as possible.

Finally, the Reality Checks, Caveats & Premises department has it on good authority the global economy is a fact, not a possibility. Adapt or get run over like a cute little bunny that’s incapable of grasping the potential impact of an 18 wheeler passing through the neighborhood.

After WW 2 ended America was the beneficiary of a boom that lasted for roughly 35 years during which you could drop out of school and still get a job that would provide a good living, and maybe a pension. The rest of the world, having been more or less trashed by WW 2, watched and learned.

More than a few thought they might also enjoy eating regularly and being able to seal the couch in plastic to keep it nice. Liberty might be nice too but that proved to be a lot harder and much more complicated. Life on Earth being what it is, instead of what we would like it to be (a phrase that bears repeating), there’s always gonna’ be bullies that embrace their inner chimpanzee - bullies need victims.

Nowadays, the US buys a lot of shtuff from the rest of the world, because we're rich. The US also sells a lot of shtuff to the rest of the world, the World Bank says the US exported $2,263,253,700,000 trillion dollars worth of stuff in 2014. The 35-year-old bubble of prosperity didn’t pop, the rest of world starting blowing their own bubbles. We export more than we ever have in terms of dollar value, even allowing for inflation. The bad news is that because of productivity gains we're able to do this with a lot fewer people than we used to. A little noted/reported fact is that better than half of the shtuff we import are pieces/parts of shtuff we build here, much of which is then sold there.

And if that ain’t bad enough, now we have to deal with a communication/high tech revolution. It’s like the industrial revolution on steroids (and there still isn’t much work for saddle makers) in that the rules of the game keep changing and nobody on the rules committee has a clue what the final draft is going to be.

And if that ain’t bad enough it turns out there is no rules committee, there are just H. sapiens hoping it all works out somehow, and that the civilization ending sized meteors keep missing the mother ship. It may be the best of times, but it might be the worst of times. As noted in part six, not even the experts of Federal Reserve can be relied upon to accurately tell us what's next.  Also, they’re acutely aware that throwing the wrong lever at the wrong time, considering how complex and interconnected the global economy is, can easily set off a cascade of unexpected and unwelcome consequences.

But I've gotten ahead of myself, and I've exceeded my words quota, and I've sorta jumped from 1776 to the present, and I've gotta go. Stay tuned for part eight, the season finale.

Have an OK day.

P.S. If you're a Facebooker, and you enjoy my shtuff, could I trouble you to click on "Like" at the top of the page? This will (hopefully) help me to find some new readers, and retain existing ones, via your friendly neighborhood cranks Facebook page.

    

Dear (Eventual) Grandstickies & Great-Grandstickies (#2)

[If you're new here, and even if you're not, I must begin with a bit of explanation. My weekly column, two weeks ago (Dear (Eventual) Stickies & Great-Grandstickies, 11.05.16), was a letter to the Stickies (my grandkids) and my great-grandkids (who don't exist yet). I used the word Eventual because it's a letter more directed to the Stickies of the future than the present as they are mostly quite young yet (though in some ways not). And as I said, the great-grandstickies don't actually exist yet. Also, the Stickies official title is now grandstickies, though they aren't nearly as sticky as they used to be, and, to distinguish them from my daughter and son-in-law, who aren't sticky at all. Mostly it's because I now prefer grandstickies to the Stickies, at least for literary purposes.]

Dear (Eventual) Grandstickies & Great-Grandstickies

I didn't expect to be writing to you again so soon. The subject of my last letter, this year's hit reality show, the Donald v. the Hilliam, has been canceled. The Donald won and his  prize is a four-year gig that can't be canceled until January of 2020, regardless of his ratings.

The Hilliam and the outgoing COiC (Community Organizer-in-Chief) both gave gracious speeches acknowledging that the audience had chosen the Donald. Well, sort of (it's complicated). Those members of the infotainment industry whose job includes predicting the winners of politically based reality shows are staying busy explaining why most of them were wrong.

What a great job they have! In the real world, if your job performance rates an epic fail, there's a good chance that the person or firm that you work for will decide to replace you. In the infotainment industry, however, it's not whether you're right or wrong, it's how (or if) you attract the eyeballs. Which is why -tainment trumps info-.

Considering the intensity with which the battle had been waged, and the absurd length of it, I was feeling both proud and reassured (and happy is was finally over). The peaceful transfer of power from one administration to the next, assuming it continues, is a signature achievement of the American experiment.

[Aside: If the reference to the seemingly endless presidential campaigns we currently endure is confusing, or seems quaint, good. Perhaps you have found a better way, or at least developed a less complicated, less time and resource consuming system. Hopefully, a system that is still more or less genuinely democratic and not a farce (google Russia, or China, early 21st century).

As things stand, America takes two years to choose a president who will get a four-year contract, and this individual is permitted to compete a second time. This means that they can decide to compete on the next show, which begins two years into their first term. If they decide to compete again this will mean that they will have two full-time jobs in the third and fourth year of the guaranteed contract they just won. 

Obviously, this is good for ratings, and potentially quite infotaining. Although personally, I think that the job description of arguably the most powerful and important job on the planet Earth should preclude moonlighting.]

And we're back. But election fatigue or not, the election ain't over till the fat lady infotainment industry sings sez so. They haven't moved on, they've doubled down. The majority of 'em supported the Hilliam and they know that God, or in most cases their God substitute (the environment, income inequality, social justice for the victimized group of the moment, _______, etc.), is on their side.

Their evil enemies (and that is indeed how many on both sides view the other), though smaller in number, represent about half of our polarized population and their side (well, sorta'), has control of The Gubmint for the next two years. I say sorta' because many of them dislike the Donald almost as much as they dislike the Hilliam. Like the rest of us, they have only a vague idea, in spite of two years of fighting, of just exactly what he plans on doing. But, they know God is on their side, or at least they hope so, 'cause the Donald is a scary dude. And  he  can't  stop  tweeting!

Also, there's something going on that I've never encountered before. I'm a thousand years old in American years (39 spiritually, 63 chronologically) and have been following politics, to one degree or another, since my teens. While, of course, every presidential election I can remember has generated controversies and crazies, none were followed by several days of protests, minor rioting, and, my personal favorite, triggered Snowflakes.

First, Snowflakes. I'm hoping that Snowflake Syndrome melts away, and soon, but just now it's a thing. If my feeble scribbles were more widely disseminated I would probably be attacked for being an unrepentant triggeror. I plead gleefully guilty.

[Yes, gentlereaders, I know there is no such word as triggeror but there should be, and perhaps will be, if triggering ever becomes an official hate crime. Considering our culture's current trajectory, I wouldn't bet against it.]

It seems that the election of the Donald was so traumatic for many?/some? (I'll wager someone is looking into this, funded by -- The Gubmint -- money) of our more delicate and/or damaged college students that it's triggered Snowflake Syndrome on college campuses nationwide. Many a midterm had to be canceled, much hot chocolate is being brewed and therapists remain on high alert. Playdough, coloring books, crying rooms and comfort dogs are being deployed.

Meanwhile, off campus, there was a short-lived panic generated by strange noises being heard in cemeteries. The panic ended when it was discovered that it was just members of the Greatest Generation turning over in their graves.

Which brings us to protests and mini-riots. "Not my president! Not my president! Oh, look baby, flat screens, lets both grab one." Sound of glass breaking. These have been popping up hither and yon ever since the Donald was declared the victor. As to how extensive they are -- and who is participating and why -- well, that depends on who you believe. In my semi-humble opinion, it's mostly the usual suspects, members in good standing of the International Union of Professional Perpetually Protesting Protestors & Perpetual Victims of This, That & The Other Thing (IUPPPPPVTTT). The acronym is pronounced I up p-p-p, peevy t-t-t

The masses aren't taking to the streets, but those that have are much more infotaining than those folks who had to get up and go to work the day after the election even if they stayed up half the night waiting to see who the winner was (and actually voted). Guess which group the infotainment industry is obsessing over?

A goodly cross section of the masses didn't even bother to vote, as usual. I went a-googling and discovered that since the 1930s roughly 50 to 60% of Americans have turned out to vote for president every four years. This year's turnout looks to be about 55%. (the final numbers still aren't in).

[There's a point to this bonkercockie, yes? asks Dana the imaginary gentlereader. My muse, Marie-Louise, maintains a neutral expression, she's still on her first cup of coffee.]

My point is that I think that while many in the infotainment industry, the Snowflakes, and the members of the IUPPPPPVTTT think (or at least pretend to, to keep profits up), that this is the American Apocalypse. I don't, and for your sakes, I hope that this mini-infotainer, this semi-humble scribbler in pursuit of enlightened infotainment, ain't wrong

Keep in mind that up until the election, which happened less than two weeks ago, just about all the members of the infotainment industry, along with the Snowflakes and the members in good standing of the IUPPPPPVTTT, were certain the Republicrat party was wrecked. Fate flipped a switch and now they're all equally certain the Depublicans have been destroyed.

[Note from the Clarifications for Gentlereaders Department: Please be aware that His Crankiness, despite our repeated objections, insists on referring to the Republican party as the Republicrat party and the Democratic party as the Depublican party. He says you'll understand.]

In fact, what's happened is that the Wizard of Oz of  the new millennium became president while most of the country was mesmerized by his mastery of special effects and... Gadzooks! I've exceeded my word budget, sorry. Poppa loves you. To be continued...

Have an OK day.

P.S. If you're a Facebooker, and you enjoy my shtuff, could I trouble you to click on "Like" at the top of the page? This will (hopefully) help me to find some new readers, and retain existing ones, via your friendly neighborhood cranks Facebook page.
   

The History of the World (Part Six)

Free Trade, Part One.

Our story thus far: After evolution or God or both coughed up H. sapiens (us), we spent myriad kyr (many thousands of years -- lookit me ma, I'm a wordsmith!) primarily preoccupied with killing each other, subsisting, and once in a great while, inventing something really cool.

Hunter-gatherers got tired of wandering around in search of three squares and invented agriculture (and beer). Once there was enough food and beer to go around towns became cities became civilizations and H. sapiens rose to the top of the food chain. The killing and subsisting continued, and, as mentioned, once in a great while someone invented something really cool.

Eventually, in the late seventeen hundreds, we hit a trifecta. The Industrial Revolution picked up steam, the USA was born, Adam Smith invented modern economics. Mr. Smith said that the best way for everyone to make a buck depended on three things -- the pursuit of self-interest, the division of labor, freedom of trade.

Now, this vastly oversimplified history of the world is about to get even worse.

That is, I'm deliberately giving short shrift to the first two and emphasizing the most important, freedom of/to trade. After all, the world in general, and the USA in particular, is somewhat preoccupied with the subject.

The pursuit of self-interest simply means that every Tom, Dick, and Jane has the right to figure out how they're gonna pay the cable bill without a king, or a master of any sort, assigning them a role to play in the economy or determining how and how much they'll be rewarded for their labors. A free man or woman should be compensated based on what service/product/talent they provide their fellow H. sapiens. A reasonably free market will easily determine the value of a good doctor, a good housekeeper, and everyone else.

When regulation is kept to a necessary minimum and the playing field is level, consumers will rule, consumers will win.

As to the division of labor, this can be summed up in two words, modern civilization. Do/make something you're good at and trade it for things you aren't good at doing/making. Simplify things dramatically via a reliable system of reward certificates (money). The result? The most prosperous era in the history of H. sapiens. Consumers rule, consumers win.

Which brings us to...

...Freedom to trade. If you’ve lost a good job because your job is now being done by someone in a foreign country, like Elbonia for example (H.T. Scott Adams) -crappy weather, chock full of primitive religious sects prone to killing each other, a corrupt government and/or any number of other possible combinations of factors that would keep you from vacationing there even if you had any damn money - odds are you might be a little cranky.  

I’m a little cranky because I lost a fairly decent job, a job that I thought would be my last, due to the effects of (ominous musical fanfare): The Great Recession. When this happened I was almost a thousand years old (in American years) and had all the wrong skills. I’ve been relegated to a crappy job, several part-time crappy jobs in fact, that required me to work eight days a week. Unfortunately, it wasn't because I was a greedy workaholic who couldn't ever be rich/secure/powerful/enough, it was because they didn't pay very well.

I had to work a lot of hours to get by; I literally limped my way, with a fractured hip, to a forced early retirement because I needed the diminished dough to get by before the rest of my damaged joints (rheumatoid arthritis) got any worse.

The reason I lost my job was because of/had nothing to do with free trade. I’m certain I could make a plausible argument linking the last recession (hopefully it was just a recession for you, for me, it was, ominous musical fanfare: The Great Recession) to free trade agreements. To bolster my case, I’m certain I could quote experts and statistics; I’m certain I could find some very official and complicated looking charts.

I’m equally certain I could make a plausible argument that proves free trade agreements had absolutely nothing to do with my personal experience of (ominous musical fanfare): The Great Recession. And I’m not even an economist.

[How to embarrass an economist. If they’re not rich (of course, most aren't), ask them why, considering what they do for a living. While they’re hemming and hawing you take your verbal kill shot. “And by the way, if economics is a science, why are you guys still arguing over what caused the Great Depression, you know, the one that hit about 75 years ago?”]

My point is that economics, which I find fascinating and worthy of study by the way, is a social science. This means cold hard facts are even harder to come by than they are in the hard sciences. We’re part of a global economy. Billions of people are pursuing their self-interest regardless of whether or not their government officially approves. This is human nature. This is reality.

[Insert relevant, ironic aside here. I live near a General Motors plant where the employees risk having their car trashed if it isn’t an official GM product. It was temporarily closed relatively recently because of an earthquake in Japan that disrupted the flow of components that GM manufactures or purchases -- in Japan. Ain’t that ironical?]

I lost my good job because of (ominous musical fanfare): The Great Recession. Economists will be arguing for generations as to what caused it as fervently as they argue about what caused The Great Depression.

More specifically, it might have happened because the company I worked for, that kept a huge Kmart warehouse clean, wasn’t competitive enough. And/or Kmart wasn’t competitive enough (hold your calls, I think we have a winner).

BIG BUT.

And/or Kmart decided that outsourcing housekeeping wasn’t such a great idea after all and decided to have people on the payroll do it. Which may have been because it was a concession to the union to get a contract signed, or just make the working environment less toxic, because the rank and file never did get over the establishment of quotas. Or, maybe they decided to assign “second tier” workers to do housekeeping since they’re bitter about the fact they have to hit the same quotas the much better paid first tier rank and file, who agreed to a second tier to keep their own wages considerably higher than local labor market norms...

Or, maybe I lost my job because of a variable, or a combination of variables, known or unknown, led to life jumping out from behind a tree and kicking me in the crotch. Which is how life, and the economy, in spite of our best efforts to generate a desired outcome, often works.

To be continued...

Have an OK day.

P.S. If you're a Facebooker, and you enjoy my shtuff, could I trouble you to click on "Like" at the top of the page? This will (hopefully) help me to find some new readers, and retain existing ones, via your friendly neighborhood cranks Facebook page.

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Dear (Eventual) Stickies & Great-Grandstickies

The Stickies, if you are unaware, is the name I use for my grandkids, as a group. They are no longer sticky, so I pre-apologize to any given one of them if, after reaching adulthood, they should decide they are dysfunctional H. sapiens and innocent victims of this, that, and the other and, that one of the this, that, or the others turn out to be the fact I hung the name "the Stickies" around their delicate little neck.

I'm cautiously optimistic, however. It's early days yet, but so far they all seem to be in pretty good shape considering they live in a freakishly large household that includes me.

And now, if you'll forgive me, gentlereaders -- this is an open letter to them, they who are one of the primary reasons I continue to crank out my weekly column in spite of the fact I've yet to come close to being able to quit my day job -- so I must move on.

[Oh, but before I forget (sorry), let me publicly state that I don't expect any given one of them, no matter how financially successful they may turn out to be, to take care of me in my impending dotage. I'm sure I'll be fine.]

Dear Stickies & Great-Grandstickies,
It's the week before the presidential election of 2016...

[Sorry, sorry. I forgot to mention that I'm not writing to the current Stickies, who are busy being reasonably well-adjusted kids and/or young adults. I'm writing to the eventual Stickies, that is, the future, grown up Stickies, and also to the next generation of Stickies, my great-grandstickies. I hope to live long enough to not only meet my great-grandstickies but also to have a (hopefully) positive influence on their lives. Obviously, the odds of that happening decrease with each passing year but at least they will have access to my feeble scribbles. 

See, the Stickies probably won't remember all that much about the current election. The oldest is a newly minted 16-year-old (happy birthday, dude!). My great-grandstickies will be learning about it in history class. So, it's occurred to me that I can provide both groups with a first person account of this and other things as I experience them in real time. This will provide them with my perspective, and not just what they vaguely remember or learn about in history class. Hopefully, they will find this interesting.

Both of my parents died relatively young, long before my extended callowyute stage ended. I would love to have access to their thoughts on the Great Depression, WW2, and myriad other things.]

Dear Stickies & Great-Grandstickies,
It's the week before the presidential election of 2016 -- The Donald (Trump) v. The Hilliam (a symbiotic amalgamation of Hillary and William (a.k.a. Slick Willie) Clinton.

I'm reasonably certain cautiously optimistic that the history books will report that one of the defining characteristics, perhaps the defining characteristic, of the contest is that both candidates, according to the polls (and this is one case where a sharply divided nation agrees that even the polls are correct), are disliked and distrusted by more people than folks who like and trust them. Trust me, this is an accurate assessment.

It's not uncommon for even a given supporter of either candidate to state something like, "Sure, she's a world-class liar and a least a little bit crooked but..., or, "Sure, he often comes across as being a little nuts and he's at least a little bit crooked" -- but, "she/he is even worse."

By the way, I changed reasonably certain to cautiously optimistic because if the Hilliam wins I'm sure they will continue to push the nation in a leftward direction. At the moment at least, the public school system, as well as the majority of colleges and universities, are both guided by a philosophy that ranges from solidly left-wing to extremely left-wing.

This philosophy is currently somewhat enamored with revisionist history and free speech limitations, justified by the pursuit of political correctness. This is for your own good, of course, to protect you and your fellow delicate flowers and snowflakes from the inevitable trauma that will arise once your realize that the real world doesn't hand out participation trophies. So, who knows what the history books may actually say about this particular election considering we're told history is written by the winners.

Of course, I realize that your estimable parents didn't raise you that way and did everything they could to shield you from the liberal industrial complex. I highly recommend keeping this knowledge under your hats as much as possible, particularly if by the time you're grups, these unfortunate trends continue. It will give you an edge many of your peers will not have access to, or even understand.

Anyway, this is supposed to be about the fact that the richest, most powerful, and (arguably, it's complicated) freest nation the world has ever seen (so far at least) is about to choose a new leader, and most of its citizens wish there was a viable alternative to choose from. There ain't, and that's a fact, regardless of what the history books (will) say.

The Hilliam have a long history of corruption and managing to just miss paying a price for it (again, so far at least) and if one of you should decide to make a study of their lives in search of definitive answers you will find yourself on safari in a dizzinformation jungle. It's a man-made jungle they designed, with no shortage of help from our current cultural clerisy, a clerisy that believes that the end justifies the memes.(1) 

The bottom line is that since Slick Willie and the little woman left the White House they have amassed a fortune, estimated to be at least a $100,000,000 (and change) -- by being popular after dinner speakers. This is all you need to know.

As for the Donald, he's an alleged billionaire that has a history of endlessly shifting political, cultural and ethical stances. He seems to be rich, we don't know how rich, he won't release his tax returns. I normally would care less how rich he actually is, or even if, as they say in Texas, he's all hat and no cattle.

BIG BUT.

He markets himself as a wildly successful self-made man who's willing to use his immense natural ability to solve all of America's problems. Millions of people believe him.

Now, I've no idea how rich, successful, or intelligent he actually is -- but I do know this. He makes P.T. Barnum look like a rank amateur. He knows that people lead with their hearts and use their brains to justify their behavior after the smoke clears. He knows how to use this knowledge to build a following and battle his enemies. He knows that The Gubmint has become too large and too powerful and that the baby boomers knocked over the melting pot and set the culture on fire.

He knows that even many people who can't bring themselves to vote for a vulgarian are thinking that maybe even he would be better than the Hilliam, who personify everything that's wrong with America. We've no idea what he might actually do, but, [forgive me gentlereaders, for indulging my inner vulgarian -- desperate times/desperate measures] perhaps we need someone to go to DC and fuck shit up.

So, there you have it my dear Stickies and great-grandstickies. We are supposed to choose between the Wicked Witch of the Northeast and the Wizzard of Oz. I hope for your sakes it all turned out OK. Poppa loves you.

Have an OK day.


(1) The Clerisy

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The History of the World (Part Five)

So, having managed to reach the year 1776 in spite of hundreds of thousands of years primarily devoted to killing each other while avoiding being killed by the somewhat bloodthirsty Mother Nature, two really cool things happened. The American experiment was launched (see parts three and four) and Mr. Smith published a book.

Adam Smith was, and is, a well-regarded absent minded professor type with a first rate mind. He gave up his day job, as a popular professor at Glasgow university in 1764, to tutor and travel with a young Scottish nobleman (road trip!). They spent a couple of years touring continental Europe and met several leading thinkers of the day (such as Benjamin Franklin) and Mr. Smith was given a life pension by the grateful nobleman that enabled him to spend the next ten years or so working on his magnum opus, “An Inquiry Into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations.”

In other words, he set out to discover the best policies a given nation should pursue so that everyone could make a buck. The answer, as summed up by P.J. O’Rourke is, “Economic progress depends upon a trinity of individual prerogatives: pursuit of self-interest, division of labor, and freedom of trade.”

Warning: do not try and read The Wealth of Nations unless you enjoy the writing style of 18th-century century academics (I’m thinking this is a relatively small group of folks), and, you’re much smarter and more patient than I am (I’m thinking this is a relatively large group of folks). The commas and semicolons seemingly reproduce themselves as you try and decipher the text. Find a commentator or two that you trust to render Mr. Smith’s ideas into modern English.

In Mr. Smith’s defense, it ain’t easy to invent a field of study, particularly a field like modern economics. Also, I must warn any kneejerk anti-capitalists (a group that included me when I was a callowyute) that beating up on Mr. Smith because you think he was just another greed head will  make you look goofy as he’s well known for his belief that accumulating wealth and material goods won’t make you happy.

Before inventing modern economics, his thing was exploring morality and ethics, figuring out how we should treat each other, how we could all get along. He wrote a book entitled The Theory of Moral Sentiments that is still highly regarded. Incidentally, both it and The Wealth of Nations were best sellers in their day and almost immediately literally changed the world.  

He just wanted to figure out what the optimal system was for a free people to attain whatever level of economic security they thought was necessary and appropriate to keep the wolf from the door. He warned the world about crony capitalism. Although he was financially quite successful, he quietly and discreetly gave away most of his money and lived simply. I highly recommend P.J. O’Rourke’s, “On The Wealth of Nations.” Mr. O’Rourke is not an economist, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but that’s a whole different essay. He is, however, very smart, very funny, and lives in the real world.

“Economic progress depends upon a trinity of individual prerogatives: pursuit of self-interest, division of labor, and freedom of trade,” says O’Rourke, stating the fundamentals of Smith’s thought.  That’s it? That’s all it takes for a country to be prosperous?  Everdamnbody? Yup. Well, more or less. The rule of law is also essential component if you think that it’s important that everdamnbody should have to play by the same rules and bullies should be spanked.  

Disclaimer: I’m an unrepentant wild-eyed free marketeer, a UWFM, here, have a bumper sticker. I don’t care for the word capitalist because of the tendency of well-meaning, progressives, socialists and communists to frequently use it as an epithet. Also, I describe myself as a sorta/kinda or bleeding heart libertarian, primarily because I’m all for a rationally designed safety net and many libertarians think that’s wrong-headed or impossible.

Aside: Communism, in spite of its adherents claim that it would work if ever done properly, is an obvious dead end, often literally. Socialism is a great idea, all we have to do is change human nature first and lock up all the screwballs like me that are obsessed with personal freedom. Progressivism and/or democratic socialism, or how to have your cake and eat it tooism, is the current flavor of the month for the utopianists of the world. Many people want the benefits of a free market combined with a big, juicy welfare state with millions of rules and millions of unionized bureaucrats, but someone else, preferably the evil rich, should pay the high taxes needed to fund  the necessities of life, such as Obamaphones for example. More on the resulting mess later.

Back to Adam Smith. Smith’s work contradicted a widely held belief of his time, mercantilism. This is the belief that a nation’s wealth is determined by how much gold, silver, cash, ginormous televisions etc. it can accumulate, after all,  there’s only so much wealth to go around. Therefore, you should export for the cash and block, or at least penalize, imports. This view of the world, that currently is enjoying a comeback, leads otherwise clear thinking people to believe in the Boarding House Pie Fallacy.  

Say you're living in a boarding house. It’s dinner time and Mrs. McGillicuddy is serving up her famous apple pie for dessert. Since there’s only so much pie to go around, and fat Frank is at the table, it behooves everyone to employ a strategery that will ensure an equitable portion of pie. Mr. Smith’s insight (not to be confused with Mrs. Smith's pies), and he’s not alone, was that boarding house wisdom has limited applicability. There’s an easier and more effective way to get what you want that has the added benefit of not having to impose high tariffs (which begat high prices) and over-regulate anyone -- the pursuit of self-interest, division of labor, and freedom of trade. Skilfully employed these three ensure that everyone can have their own pie. To be continued...

Have an OK Day.

©2016 Mark Mehlmauer 

Gentlereaders, my Tuesday and Thursday mini-posts are about to disappear, at least for the time being. It looks like I'm going to need to have a new knee installed and before I do I'm going to be meeting all sorts of medical specialists. Turns out that if you're a man who is technically over 50 you're supposed to have various medical shtuff done on a regular basis. Who knew?

Having not seen a doctor since the late 80s (for a CDL physical... it's complicated) I'm running a bit behind and have all sorts of i dotting and t crossing to do (tests and appointments) before I can get myself a shiny new knee. 

So -- to make things easier, not miss any mini-post postings, and most importantly, to make sure I don't miss publishing my beloved (by me anyway) weekly column (dude, it's what I do!) -- mini-posts are outta here.   

The Pussy Bow Incident

I've been at this for awhile now, this blogging thing. I've been cranking out weekly columns for well over a year and now I'm playing around with a mini-post concept. While I'm not a great writer, I think I'm decent. Not the same old same old anyway. I'm aware that 90% of wannabe writers will never be published by someone other than themselves. I'm aware that 90% of published writers will never quit their day job. I'm aware that I picked those percentages out of the air, so don't go a-googling in search of veracity. They're covered under the terms of my creative license.

That said, although I realize that making enough money from my work to impact the lives of me and the Stickies, of ever being more than a hobbyist, is highly unlikely, I still dream about getting lucky, and I keep trying.

However, I've just been rudely reminded that if my judgment was better, if I picked the right topics to write about, and when, if I were more culturally aware, I might be wildly successful by now. See, I thought writing about the pussy bow incident, but I passed, and now the world has moved on.


In case you missed it, Melania Trump wore a shirt/blouse/top (?) decorated with what amounts to a huge floppy bow tie to the second presidential debate that I now know is called a pussy bow. My exhaustive research reveals that it was considered cool at one time to tie bows around the necks of cats. This phenomenon was the inspiration for the unfortunately named shirt/blouse/top (?) known as a pussy    bow. I was unable to discover if the obvious loss of dignity to any felines thus abused in this manner was noted or recorded.

At some point, some-one, started hanging them around the necks of women and they've been going in and out of style ever since. I confess, that although I've successfully managed to achieve the age of 39 on 24 successive occasions, I was completely unaware of any of this until recently.

And then -- Melania Trump showed up for the second presidential cat fight debate wearing a fuchsia (I had to look that up too) pussy bow shirt/blouse/top (?) and this kicked off a kerfuffle, that I thought  was goofy. The kerfuffle in question, generated a brief (thankfully) burst of tweets, comments, articles, postings, etc. Was she subtly supporting the Donald? or was it a passive-aggressive condemnation of his "locker room talk"?

Which is why -- I saw an opportunity to make fun of the whole goofy incident. But I passed and it faded away quickly. I refer to the fuss about the unfortunately named shirt/blouse/top (?), not the fuss about the Donald's choice of words, which the Hilliam will make sure never goes away -- but I was wrong.

See, a few days after the second debate, Maureen Dowd, a...

Oh, wait! before I forget (this will just take a sec'), since the Donald claims that the Hilliam is the tip of the spear of a vast conspiracy by the media, The Gubmint in general, the FBI and the Justice Department in particular (and other conspirators to be named later) and not just the result of a fame and money loving, agendicized, infotainment manufacturing media monster and formerly (more or less)  respected and independent, The Gubmint, agencies that have been politicized by King (I've got a phone and I've got a pen) Barry  -- deep breath -- am I the only one that thinks this is a vast left-wing conspiracy that was set into motion by the Hilliam when they unearthed the vast right-wing conspiracy that had placed Monica Lewinsky in the White House in order to trick Slick Willie into using her as a humidor?

[Insert sound of the loudest gym teacher's whistle you've ever heard, here.

Wait just a minute Sparky! Sez Dana, my imaginary gentlereader, grinning from ear to ear. While Marie-Louise (my muse) and I both love the paragraph long sentence (ML, a woman of few words, is smiling, nodding, and scratching my back), is this train going anywhere or have you taken the wrong spur?]

Oh, sorry -- yes, definitely. OK, so, Maureen Dowd (or MoDo), in case you don't know, is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist who writes a weekly column for The New York Times. Remind you of anyone? Except for the facts that she writes for the NYT, leans decidedly to the left, knows The Donald personally, hangs with the elites of Manhattan and D.C. and won a Pulitzer for writing about the Hilliam a thousand years ago when they became world famous child abusers -- we're very much alike.

See, she doesn't care much for the Donald or the Hilliam either, and her writing style is not the same old same old, for which she's often criticized by important people, as I hope to someday be.

And, whereas, I ignored the Pussy Bow Incident, she wrote an entire (sort of) column (1) about it in addition to her weekly one. I say sort of because it was chock full of mindless tweet quotes -- rather like something you'd find in a USA Today online article. I normally enjoy reading her stuff but I find myself turning, more and more, into an anti- tweeter. In fact, I'm thinking about starting a movement to oppose the pervasive spread of this cultural malignancy. I'm formulating a plan to...

Insert sound of the loudest gym teacher's whistle you've ever heard, here.

Sorry. Well, there you have it. A clear explanation as to why MoDo is a well connected, Pulitzer Prize-winning, Manhattan dwelling, New York Times supported writer and I'm a blogger limping along in Flyoverland.

I was feeling sort of depressed about my situation, but then I read an article (2) in USA Today online the day after the most recent debate that explained why the Hilliam wore white that night that included the line, "It's also been suggested that suffragettes wore white because its connotations of virginal purity helped shield them from the accusations of sexual immorality that were often hurled at them from the movement's opponents." The Hilliam and virginal purity mentioned in the same article.

I'm still grinnin', you can't make this shtuff up folks!

And then I stumbled on an article (3) from The Hill that was written the day before the last debate that reported that Madonna, who apparently has been reduced to being an opening act, pledged to perform oral sex on men if they vote for The Hilliam.

I'm feeling much better now, and I do believe I shall remain in Flyoverland.

Have an OK day.

©Mark Mehlmauer 2016

(1) MoDoCo(lumn) 
(2) USA Today
(3) Madonna