Ohio

Collector's items on sale!

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay 

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.   

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional meltdown. 

About

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlereader  

"You can't go into Youngstown, Ohio, and tell everybody they're going to be retrained and go work for Google or Apple." -Michael Avenatti

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Ohio, temporarily my home state, and where I have lived for the past 35 years, recently was the subject...

{Given the undeniable fact you're old I'm guessing you weren't born there?} 

Correct, and as I clearly stated in another column, it's not Ohio, it's me.

{You're supposed to post a link to that column. I have it on good authority that's good search engine optimization (SEO). How do expect the Goog to find and offer up your column to some unsuspecting someone who's searching for some sort of information having something to do with say, Ohio, who turns out to be an internet "influencer," who will promote our brilliant work to his/her/their followers, whereupon, we will go viral and become rich and famous just like that?}

I've got a hooge (always try to link to another page on your website) problem with both the words our and brilliant work, but that aside, did you notice that the very title of this column is a word that all sorts of random users might have occasion to use, and that I not only repeated Ohio in the first sentence in bold, I've also re-repeated the word Ohio since, and now that you've got me thinking about it this would probably be a good place to link to content on another website (about SEO) which is also good for optimizing search engines, not just the Goog, to hopefully send an unwary reader or three my way. 

Or, I could just write my column because I really like to, concentrate my efforts on writing a good column, and hope for the best. 

{Balderdash! There's no money in that!}

Tell me about it. But still, there's something to be said for writing for a small, cheap discerning, audience. No pressure, just pleasure.

{Whatever, Dude. But ain't this supposed to be a column about Ohio, not trying to not so subtly warn Stickies and gentlereaders about how people like you are trying to manipulate them for fun and profit via the internet?}  

Ohio, temporarily my home state, and where I have lived for the past 35 years, was recently the subject of a very brief Associated Press article. I went a-googlin' and discovered that it had been published, in one form or another, on the website of many a news outlet:

Ohio printed 35,000 wrong Wright Brothers license plates 

You see, a banner, wafting in the breeze that says Birthplace of Aviation — was attached to the wrong end of the Wright brothers plane.

{In somebody or others defense, I gotta say it looks, to me, like the banner is attached properly. But let me guess, you fell in love with the phrase, wrong Wright Brothers, right?}

Wrong. All right, you're right. But it was a quote from a state spokesperson included in the article that triggered a crank attack. 

'"We will recycle the 35,000 plates that had been printed. It is too early to know about if there will be any additional cost,' said Lindsey Bohrer, assistant director of communications with the Ohio Department of Public Safety."

I'm sure that Lindsey Bohrer, as well as the other (roughly) 50,000 H. sapiens that work for the state of Ohio (as of 2017 anyway), are, on average, very nice people (you'd be amazed...maybe not, at how difficult it is to find current numbers) and that the same can be said for the 132 full-time legislators.   

BIG BUT, additional cost? None of these 50,132 people thought of 2 words, eBay?

{Two words?}

Well, two words mashed together, Echo Bay, tweaked, presumably to capitalize on a then-current fad to insert an e (for electronic) in front of any and all internet-related ventures. Echo Bay by the by, was the name of the consulting company run by eBay's founder, Pierre Omidyar. 

{What the hell are you...}

If one of the first items sold on AuctionWeb (eBay's predecessor) by Omidyar was a busted laser pointer for $14.83 — the busted laser pointer that launched a gazillion transactions — surely it would be easy to sell 35,000 "collector's items" in a market consisting of 7,900,000,000 potential customers?

Misprinted Ohio license plate - Mint condition, never used - Shipped to you in the same authentic plastic sleeve the Ohio BMV uses for regular license plates - Comes with a certificate of authenticity that looks like a standard Ohio vehicle registration! 

And, Ohio can then pay itself sales tax. Win/win!

{This is a very weird column...}

Said the imaginary literary device.

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

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One Screen, Two Movies

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.   

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional meltdown.  

About

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlereader 

"If the Constitution was a movie, the Preamble would be the trailer, the First Amendment the establishing shot, the 13th the crowd pleaser and the 14th the ultimate hero scene." -Henry Rollins

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

{I've got a great idea for solving America's one screen, two movies problem.}

Hey, Dana. May I suggest you define your terms first? 

{According to Big Concept Wiki "One Screen, Two Movies is an idea created by Scott Adams to describe how people...can interpret events and narratives very differently, because they have different mental frameworks."}

Left v. Right? Blue tribe v. Red tribe? Is that where you're going?

{Pervasive political polarization, yes.}

Our gentlereaders await your wisdom. 

{What if each of the fifty states had a lot more autonomy?}

Well, our country's full name is The United States of America, which would seem to suggest...   

{I remember hearing something about the colonies having a hell of a time agreeing on what the Rules&Regs should be and even if they should decide to join the team.} 

I was taught that the first attempt at solving this problem, the Articles of Confederation, vested too much of the governing power in the individual states and that the Constitution solved that problem. 

However, that's why the Constitution clearly states that The Fedrl Gummit (it was known as the Federal Government back then) only has the powers specifically spelled out in the Rules&Regs, that all other governing powers were held by the individual states. 

You get all the benefits of being part of a strong, independent country on a planet that's chock full of bullies that want your lunch money but you also belong to a much smaller, individual state where you and your neighbors can run things the way you want to. 

Win/win. 

Also, different states can try different policies and programs and if they don't work out you can move on without harming the whole country, if they do work out the other states, or even The Fedrl Gummit, can follow the example.  

{I like it... so what happened?}

Better than 200 years of history. This being the work of a semi-humble columnist and not a book written by a respected historian (or even a semi-respected, best-selling charlatan) I semi-humbly offer the following summary.

Life was hard and harsh for most Citizens of the Republic, as it ever has been and always will be for most H. sapiens, but things slowly but steadily improved for many. Others not so much. 

For a very long time, a combination of different (many now outdated) sensibilities, 

And, 

Only so much money and technical knowledge (on all fronts) to go around, limited what was possible for a confederated group of states (united or otherwise) to accomplish.

However, 

Eventually, there was more than enough money, technology, and government to create The Fedrl Gummit.

Now, plenty of money sloshing around, ever-evolving technology, and the unlikely success (more or less) of the American experiment...

{American experiment?}   

From an editorial published in the New York Daily Tribune, 11/27/1860:  

Is the democratic principle of equal rights, general suffrage, and government by a majority, capable of being carried into practical operation, and that, too, over a large extent of country? 

See, when America was invented, we were the first ones to try to build a country based on the principles of what nowadays is called the Enlightenment. There was no guarantee that what we now take for granted would work as it hadn't been tried before.

Where was I? Prosperity...advancing technology...unlikely success of the American experiment... 

Oh yeah, this resulted in a hooge organization of federated states, a government unimaginable in size, and power, to our founding pasty patriarchs. 

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Big is good for crushing warped little dicktaters with tiny mustaches looking to conquer the world, for example. 

Big is bad when well (and not so well...) meaning utopians want to force the unawokened to adopt new Rules&Regs without being able to point to a successful experiment. 

California's run by Wokies. It's a mess and people are fleeing. If you don't believe me research it as if you're thinking about moving there... with children. Given the state of the Golden State, I wouldn't want to live there, however, I wish them well. 

BIG BUT,

If any other given state wants to outlaw things not actually covered by the Constitution, like abortion or gay marriage I wish them well too... although I personally support limited abortion rights and gay marriage.

Live and let live. As a briefly famous Californian once said, "Can't we all get along?" 

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

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It Is What It Is

This looks like a job for Grandfather Man!

Image by Nina Garman from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.   

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional meltdown. 

About

Glossary 

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlereader  

"Always remember the last words of my grandfather who said: 'A truck!'"

                                                                                   -Emo Philips

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

A given it is what it is, is as obvious as, the fact that life is one thing after another...

{And you sir, have a keen eye for the obvious. Wouldn't this be a good place to insert that Edna St. Vincent Millay quote? "It's not true that life is one damn thing after another — it's one damn thing over and over — there's the rub — first you get sick — then you get sicker...}

No, too depressing.

Anyways, what I find interesting is that although both phrases are literally true — for example, life is one thing after another for creatures that experience life linearly — both can simultaneously be literally and poetically true.   

For example, according to dictionary.com (and The New York Times) the phrase it is what it is can be traced back to an article by J.E. Lawrence published in the Nebraska State Journal in 1949, and was deployed thusly. 

“New land is harsh, and vigorous, and sturdy. It scorns evidence of weakness. There is nothing of sham or hypocrisy in it. It is what it is, without apology.”

{Huh. Fascinating stuff there Cranky.}

A sturdy column, not unlike a sturdy house, must be "founded upon a rock" and not "upon the sand" lest the rains descend, the floods come, and the winds blow.

{Or somebody huffs, and puffs, and blows your column down?}

Begone, infidel, I'm teaching life lessons here!

Recently, one of the Stickies witnessed someone nearly dying from an opioid overdose as he/she/they (far be it from me to assign a pronoun) was about to tuck into a stack of pancakes at a Denny's restaurant. 

Short story short, his head suddenly slumped forward, 911 was dialed, NARCAN® was administered, our protagonist was carted out. 

{When his head slumped forward did it land...}

No, Dana, it didn't land in his/her/their pancakes... stop laughing! 

Now, one of my bright, comely, and empathetic young grandpersons was the Sticky that witnessed this drama and she (her pronoun choice) was understandably horrified/mildly traumatized. 

When she recounted this misadventure to me, unable to help myself, I dashed into the nearest phone booth and emerged — hands-on-hips, a large G on my chest, my cape gently swaying in the non-existent breeze — as Grandfather Man!

[Insert brief, heroic fanfare]

"Did he/she/they survive as far as you know?" I asked. 

"Yes," she replied. 

Seeking to comfort her, I immediately invoked three of my superpowers. 

My Mr. Spock-like tendency to revert to logic/reason (or at least try to) in the face of crisis. My Groucho Marx-like tendency (or at least try to) to look for the smile in the face of same. And, of course, my keen eye for the obvious.

I pointed out that while the situation certainly sucked sweaty socks, at least he/she/they left the restaurant alive. 

I pointed out that it's not what happens to you in life, it's how you react to it (once you catch your breath), what you do about it, and deciding if there is anything you can do about it. 

(I refrained from pointing out this is Stoicism 101, hoping she'd think I'm smarter than I look.) 

I pointed out that if he/she/they had died the last thought thought/emotion experienced would have been something like, "Ooooh, pancakes!" 

{Thought thought?}

Thought thunk?    

I pointed out that the obvious lesson to be learned was that although I was worldly-wise enough to understand that she might consider experimenting with alcohol and weed when she reached her mid-twenties (although 30 would be better), that all other recreational pharmaceuticals should always and forever be avoided. 

{Well, at least you have a realistic perspective.}   

She then threw her arms around me, kissed me gently on the cheek, and said, "I love you, Poppa, I hope that I can be there for you when you're in your dotage so that I can care for you and repay you for all that you have done for me!"

{Not even close, Sparky, I think you're already sliding into dotafication.}

Well, I'm certain that she thought about it. But being a gentle, shy, naturally modest and reserved gentleperson by nature, she successfully resisted her immediate impulse.

{I'm impressed. How ever did you manage to deduce that from the dubious expression on her face?}  

It was obvious.   

Poppa loves you,

Have an OK day

Scroll down to share this column/access oldies. If you enjoy my work, and no advertising, please consider buying me a coffee via PayPal/credit-debit card.    

Feel free to comment and set me straight via Cranky's Facebook page. I post my latest columns on Saturdays, other things other days. Cranky don't tweet.