Showing posts with label crack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crack. Show all posts

Friday, June 11, 2021

Going From Cigarettes to Crack

A Random Randomnesses column

News that you can use/missives you might've missed 

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.  

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlereader  

"We're going from cigarettes to crack." -James Griffin, chairperson of the Hawaii Public Utilities Commission.  

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

I learned from an article on the Foundation for Economic Education's (FEE) website, an organization that translates economics into English for right-wing wingnuts like me, that Hawaii ("...the first US state to mandate a full transition to renewable energy.") is replacing a coal-fired power plant with what amounts to a ginormous battery. 

Hooge problem: There's not enough energy available from (Chinese-made) solar panels and (bird murdering) wind turbines to reliably keep the battery charged so there's a high probability of rolling blackouts. 

So the Hawaiian Electric Company is preparing to burn oil to make sure the battery stays charged. Oil, like coal, is also obviously a fossil fuel and is the most expensive way to generate electricity. This is what prompted Mr. Griffin's comment about going from cigarettes to crack. 

{Why don't they build a Natgas pipeline from the West Coast? Think of the thousands of jobs it would generate!}

I don't think that's practical, Dana. Somebody get Elon on the phone! Besides, Uncle Joe would veto it unless it was being built by the Russians. Can't say I blame him. AOC and the squad might surround the White House with pitchfork and torch-waving mobs of green Wokies for a peaceful demonstration.

Anyone familiar with Swamp dweller folk wisdom knows that would generate "bad optics."

Governor Greg Abbott, the money-grubbing Neanderthal responsible for the millions of deaths that have occurred since he officially reopened Texas in March is at it again.   

His constant whining about the Border Patrol releasing tens of thousands of illegal aliens undocumented foreign nationals due to the non-crisis at the border into the US who have promised to behave and check back in later (61,312 of 'em as of 5/19 anyway, as detailed by this informative, detailed article), 


Taken custody of who knows how many unaccompanied, children of illegal aliens undocumented foreign nationals is bad enough. Who's a better foster parent than Uncle Sam after all?  

Now, he's bitchin' about the fact that enough Fentanyl has been confiscated along the Texas border recently to kill every person in the state of New York, an 800% increase over the year before. 

Why's he picking on New York?   

Why does he have nothing positive to say about entrepreneurial Mexicans that purchase precursor chemicals from everyone's friends, the Chinese, and turn them into a popular product that generates good-paying jobs all along the supply chain?

In case you've been living under a rock, acting person Gwyneth Paltrow runs a company called Goop, excuse me, goop, that sells cutting-edge this, that, and even that to the little people via a website.

"In 2008, Gwyneth Paltrow launched goop from her kitchen as a homespun weekly newsletter." She's just a regalah poyson! (HT: B. Finkelstein)

goop also has a half dozen conveniently located brick and mortar locations to serve the not-so-little people in places like Brentwood, Ca. and Kohala Coast, wait for it, Hawaii. 

"We don't mind being the tip of the spear—in short, we go first so you don't have to."

My favorite goop product is the "This Smells Like My Vagina" candle. For only $75 ya get a candle made from geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed. It's supposed "to put us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth."

"Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me." 
                                                                              -F. Scott Fitzgerald 

I'm saving up to get one because I've always wondered what Gwyneth Paltrow's va...

{Stop that joke right now! This is column is (more or less) family-friendly. Why are you...}

Oh sorry, well, some dude in Texas is suing goop inc. He claims that the vagina candle he bought exploded and became engulfed in flames.

{Wait-wait-wait. You made this entire third section up, didn't you?}  

Nope. And now I want to buy one of these candles more than ever. Can you lend me $75?  


I wonder if it would be possible to track the guy down. I'd really like to know why he bought a $75 candle that smelled like a vajayjay in the first place. Perhaps he has/had a crush on Ms. Paltrow? 

Addendum: Apropos of nothing above 
I'll betcha a bottle-a-pop that if you haven't yet heard about Lego's Everyone is awesome rainbow-themed LGBTQIA+ set yet you soon will. It's just been released in time for pride month. 

There are 11 different characters, each of a different color.

Pale blue, white, and pink represent the transgender community. Black and brown stand for different skin colors across the LGBTQIA+ community. Purple is the only one with a specific gender and has a beehive wig to honor all the"fabulous drag queens out there" according to the designer.

{Wait up, that's only six colors, what does...}  

Red, orange, yellow, green, dark blue stand for?

I went a-googlin' and clicked on two pages worth of hits, most of which brought up stories obviously based on a Lego press release of some sort and never did find out. Three notions spring to mind. 

First, we'll never know, ambiguity is part of the concept. Think "gender fluidity." 

Second, you might have to buy or borrow a set to find out because a large cohort of the purple press stays busy by rewriting corporate propaganda and/or each other's work.

Or, perhaps red, orange, yellow, green, and dark blue represent the same thing as the matching colored stripes of the original rainbow flag: life, healing, sunlight, nature, and serenity respectively. 

FYI: The original, eight-striped flag, now six stripes, included hot pink (for sex) and turquoise (light blue) which represented both magic and art. I wonder if the Legotians are aware of that?   

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

Scroll down to share this column or access previous ones. If you find my work pleasing you should buy me some cheap coffee with PayPal or plastic.    

Feel free to comment/like/follow/cancel/troll me on Cranky's Facebook page. I post my newest column there on Saturdays and interesting other stuff on other days.

Cranky don't tweet.