Friday, March 4, 2022

Vlad the Pooteen's Late-Life Crisis

Putin locks in his legacy

                                Photo by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted. Best perused on a screen large enough for even your parents to see and navigate easily.   

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device 

"Europeans are really dying out!" -the Pooteen 

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin is 69 years old. A dicktater's dicktater, he's a fellow geezer who's one year older than me and one year closer to being officially old (70). He appears to be having a late-life crisis. 

{I suspect that once you hit 70 the rules are going to change.}

Not true, Dana. I'm a stickin' to muh guns, 70 is officially old. For the record, being a geezer/geezerette (age varies) is not necessarily a bad thing. 

And getting old -- at 70, actuarially speaking, you have less than ten years left -- is also not necessarily a bad thing. It merely means it's past time to look reality in the eye and make some decisions and contingency plans and ascend to the lofty level of Sexy Senior Citizen if this has yet to happen, assuming one is capable of transcending certain stereotypes.

{Wait a second...}

Nope, it will take an entire column to explain what I mean and I promise to write it, this column's about the Pooteen. It's not often that a certified, unrepentant dicktater sticks his/her/their head above the ground and begs to be boiled in bubbling oil.

"Vladimir Putin has gone from playing chess to playing poker," is a quote and an analysis. I wish I had come up with one of the variations on this theme being attributed to all sorts of people. I think it's obviously true but begs for an obvious question to be...

{Kudos for begs for, rather than the oft and incorrectly used, begs the.}

A cautious and dubious thanks, D. The question is, why? A senior moment? Drugs? 3d chess? Perhaps he's being blackmailed by Hunter Biden (or vice versa) and the three years (and lots of money) spent on trying to prove the Donald was being blackmailed by the Pooteen was a conspiracy within a conspiracy within...

{Oh my Go...}

Don't say it! The Stickies have been taught to say oh my gosh, so as not to offend traditional believers. And besides, As Dude used to say when he was a toddler, I wuz chust kiddin'.

{This column is turning into the literary version of a cute kiddie video.}

Perhaps we'll attract more gentlereaders. My money's on a late-life crisis. A late-life crisis is like a mid-life crisis, less common but potentially worse. Particularly when the he/she/they afflicted have money and power and the Pooteen has plenty of both.  

{If he's successful at conquering Ukraine will you start writing The Pooteen instead of the Pooteen?}


Now, when a given H. sapien has a late-life crisis, unless they have accumulated an unusually large amount of wealth, this is usually not that big a deal. 

Regardless, their more greedy loved ones have to weigh the cost of trying to get their sticky hands on it, and how much potential litigation will cost as opposed to what the reward might be. And, are he/she/they willing to accept the wrath of their relatives?   
Most late-life criseses consist merely of a given individual having second thoughts about how they spent their lives and what, if anything, is to/can be done. Most don't do much. 

They may not have the means to do much, and even if they do most have learned that to be wary of the law of unexpected consequences, know that you can't count on anything or anyone, and how quickly tides can turn. 

A person having a mid-life crisis is more likely to be unaware of the power of the law of unexpected consequences and willing to jump with a potentially poorly packed parachute... pal. 

Ah, but the Pooteen! 

Picture him waking up at 3 a.m. and getting up to pee, yet again, and then being unable to fall back asleep... 

There's something about that new guard...did I remember to turn on the alarm?, I could sure go for a cup of hot cocoa but I can tell the night shift thinks it's funny when I order one, it ain't easy being a bloodthirsty dicktater...I thought that by now I would've put the empire back it just me or are the oligarchs not taking me seriously anymore?...ungrateful bastards...Uncle Joe must be even further gone than I thought, why on Earth would he try and cripple his domestic oil production and then expect the rest of us to make up for it...

Ooh! I've got a great idea! He picks up the phone. 

"Yes fearless leader?"

"Tell Minister Shoigu and General Gerasimov I want to see them, right now, and get Hunter Biden on the phone. 

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

P.S. Here's a fun fact for ya, kids. America, which was rapidly moving towards energy independence till Uncle Joe and the Greenies got control of the Swamp, spent $17,400,000,000 on Russian oil last year. But if they keep misbehaving, Uncle Joe is gonna officially shut 'em down. According to Reuters:

"Senator Ed Markey, a Democrat from Massachusetts, said U.S. purchases of Russian oil in 2021 would have delivered an estimated $17.4 billion to that nation. 'We cannot criticize Europe for its reliance on Russian energy, as we pour dirty oil money into Russia,'..."

{As opposed to clean oil money?}

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