Friday, June 18, 2021

Hooterville, Ohio

 A Mr. Cranky's neighborhood episode featuring Congressperson Timmy 

I don't know who owns the rights to this image but if they should send me a cease and desist order I'll happily take it down after trying to use the letter to go viral by claiming I'm a victim of ageism, elder abuse, and intersectional abuses to be named later.

This is: A weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids and my great-grandkids — the Stickies — to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.

Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — A Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating intersectional triggering. Viewing with a tablet or a monitor is highly recommended for maximum enjoyment.  

Erratically Appearing Hallucinatory Guest Star: Dana — A Gentlereader  

"And that's Uncle Joe, he's movin' kind of slow at the junction..."
- Fron the song Petticoat Junction written by Paul Henning (creator of Petticoat Junction/Hooterville) and Curt Massey (musician/songwriter).  

Dear (eventual) Grandstickies and Great-Grandstickies (and Gentlereaders),

Hooterville, Ohio, a "city" in Northeast Ohio, sits in the middle of a cluster of "cities" and townships that includes two (former) actual rustbelt cities that have lost so much population our congressman congressperson Timmy, may soon be out of his second real job.

He worked for his predecessor, the (almost) famous Congressman Jimbo, for a few years till Jimbo got locked up and Tim's current job became available. Jimbo ran against him from prison, twice, but lost both times. 

If you lived here the fact that Jimbo lost, at least the first time, is the surprising part. The fact that he ran, twice, didn't surprise anyone. 

Timmy has announced that he's running for the Senate next year to replace Republicrat Rob Portman, a professional pol of 32 years who has been a (mostly) reliably conservative and blessedly boring senator for 11 years.   

Congressperson Timmy is a Depublican but markets himself as an old school Depublican, a Democrat, as there are many Democrats still living in the Hooterville metropolitan area. He talks, a lot, about how the current version of the party should become the party of the working class again.

This area is top-heavy with working-class people. Timmy's never earned his bread by workin' the line, operating a machine, stockin' shelves, etc, but he was a high school football star which gives ya street cred in these parts. 

He was recruited to play ball at Youngstown State but blew out a knee and wound up at Bowling Green State, majoring in political science. He went to work for Jimbo and picked up a law degree from Franklin Pierce Law Center but didn't see any point in taking the bar exam. 

Next, he became an Ohio State Senator but only served for two years before Jimbo's unfortunate incarceration and has been Congressman Timmy ever since.   

He's since published a book about practicing mindfulness and another about healthy eating. The one about mindfulness (2012) brought him a bit of national attention. He republished it in 2018 with a different title. 

The first line of the same forward in both books is, "This book is a remarkable and unusual gift to the world." It's written by Jon Kabat-Zinn, a former professor who nowadays sells MP3s and CDs of guided meditations.   

Congressperson Timmy's been trying to call attention to himself on the national stage for years by doing stuff like pretending to run for Speaker of the House (Nattering Nancy crushed him). He ran for president for about a minute in 2020 before returning his attention to getting re-elected to Congress. 

He turns up occasionally on national lamestream media shows when some interviewer wants to present the perspective of the working person. Local, somewhat miffed talk show hosts can't get him to answer the phone anymore but perhaps now that he's running for the Senate there will be a reconciliation.   

It's suddenly summer here in Hooterville. I never get tired of the joke, what are the four seasons of Ohio? Answer: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.   

{You may not be tired of it but...}

My oldest granddaughter, whom I used to call Abbagirl but now address as Asparagoose, just limped through an awful senior year of high school. Before I forget, if you're keeping track, her sister is no longer Bug, she's Josceleena or Josceleenie.

My oldest grandson is still, Dude. The youngest is still Duuude. 

Asparagoose went to band camp for three years and enjoyed the good while stoically dealing with the bad and the ugly, all the while looking forward to the summer before senior year. Seniors at band camp see themselves as minor royalty and behave accordingly. 

Band camp 2020 was canceled, a victim of the Wuflu Plague.

Well, at least there was senior year to look forward to. Seniors in Hooterville High see themselves as minor royalty.

[Insert sound of a stylus skidding across a vinyl record here.] 

Classes wearing masks, canceled classes, virtual classes, masked classes.

Shortened football season and canceled band concerts.

No money from Burger King till the lockdown began to lift a bit.

This, that, and even that closed till further notice.

That's now gone, and the Hooverville region's herd of empty storefronts has expanded again.    


There's a fledgling electric truck company trying to get off the ground in what used to be a General Motors plant, GMs gonna build car batteries here, and we've got new natural gas-fueled power plants.  

No fields covered with glittering, Chinese-made solar panels so far but local boosters, including Congressperson Timmy, are promoting a Voltage Valley meme since the Steel Valley meme has been deleted. 

Asparagoose got her first tattoo when she turned 18. Small, but emotionally significant. She was accepted at YSU but has decided to keep her powder dry till she can decide on a major that will pay off in spite of the absurdly expensive, politically correct classes. 

I remember when I was 18...

{And  we're  outa  here.}

Short Addendum this week since we're already running long: 
Who decides who's too important to get busted, for lying under oath, to the United States Congress? 

{Who are you claiming...} 

Here's a hint, Dana... Dr. Anthony Steven Fauci, the highest-paid employee ($400,000+/year) of the Citizens of the Republic. 

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day

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