Saturday, September 29, 2018

The Abductee is Back, And So Am I

If you're new here, this is a weekly column consisting of letters written to my grandchildren (who exist) and my great-grandchildren (who aren't here yet) — the Stickies — to haunt them after they become grups and/or I'm dead.


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Irregularly Appearing Imaginary Guest Stars
Marie-Louise -- My beautiful muse 
Iggy -- My designated Sticky
Dana -- My designated gentlereader

"Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters." -Albert Einstein


Dear (eventual) Grandstickies & Great-Grandstickies (But mostly, Dear Gentlereaders),

Abducted, part three, ended thusly:

"And animal mutilations... oh, and those crop circle things? And just how far away from Earth is Tralfamadore? Sorry. I guess that's more than just one more question."

Grandma's smile vanishes. She stares at her subject in silence.


And then:

Grandma sighs deeply. Her smile returns.

Blinding light -- the smell of an overloaded electrical wire -- a loud industrial, grating sound -- blackness. You awaken and find yourself lying in the middle of a hay field. You struggle to your feet and take note of a burning sensation that makes you think of Preparation H.

You notice, to your horror, that you are encircled by a ring of apparently surgically mutilated livestock. There's a medicinal smell in the air and no blood is present.

Glancing around you realize you're standing in the center of an elaborate crop circle. You start walking around, trying to discern what sort of pattern it consists of.

You hear what sounds like hoofbeats and spot someone approaching on horseback. A bewildered looking Amish man rides up and stops. "Good morning," he says.

The End.


I apologize for a lame ending of a lame story. If you haven't been following it, you won't get the lame joke. In my defense, the story wrote itself as I was approaching the end of/peaking from the side effects of radiation therapy for prostate cancer.

Based on what I discovered -- from talking to Docs, reading, my fellow travelers, and personal experience -- constant fatigue is/was the most common side effect of radiation therapy. This is/was made worse by simultaneous hormone therapy which is used as a sort of a second line of attack in an effort to kill one's Cancer Cooties.

Other common side effects include things I'd rather not discuss. Besides, I was blessed, mine were fairly mild.

[What's that got to do with...]

I know, Dana, what's that got to do with the lame short story in question? Well, living life feeling as though you're recovering from a marathon without being able to recover from a marathon left me completely unmotivated, physically (and psychologically) to write as my therapy rolled on.

I should've just taken a sabbatical. But as I said, the story just sort of wrote itself, and at first, I liked it and thought it was going somewhere. And I didn't want to let my gentlereaders dangling while I...

I, I, I... good grief this sounds like an Obama speech. Suffice it to say I've been feeling like crap, therapy is over, I'm slowly but steadily returning to normal. I won't know till 10/19 if the curs-ed Cooties have been completely crushed (it's complicated) but in the meantime, I'm back.

And, gentlereaders, I can prove it. And I can prove purple journalism is alive and well, that the media does choose sides (or is clueless).


Purple Journalism Alert
"Purple journalism is not a new form of journalism, it's just a name for journalism as it's actually practiced nowadays." -me

If you've been following the Kavanaugh kerfuffle at all, there's a better than average chance that you've been told, or read, that the American Bar Association, after recommending Mr. Kavanaugh be approved -- with a rating of best thing since sliced bread -- now thinks he should be re-reinvestigated by FBI.

This is a conclusion reached after the "world's greatest deliberative body" (LMAO) staged its version of the greatest show on Earth last Thursday.

Go a-googling and type in any version/variation of the phrase "bar association calls for FBI to re-reinvestigate Kavanaugh" that comes to mind. You will find links without end to news stories that report this to be the case.

My personal favorite is an editorial, disguised as a new story, from the Associated Press. If you're unaware, every time you read an article in your favorite local rag that mentions (AP) at the beginning it means they're passing along a story written by a news service. Much cheaper than having actual reporters on the payroll.

The upshot of the "story" is that not only does the ABA think that a re-reinvestigation is called for, but they also point out that the judge has lost the support of the official magazine of the "Jesuit religious order of the United States." Once the Jesuits turn on you, you may as well kill yourself.

There's only one problem.

The letter from the ABA is not a letter from the ABA. It's a letter from Robert Carlson, president of the ABA.

[What difference does that, make? Are you sure you're feeling better?]

Thanks for your concern, Dana. Mr. Carlson is not a member of the standing committee of the ABA charged with reviewing judicial appointments. He took it upon himself to write a letter with no support, or direction, from the ABA or the standing committee.

In fact, the chairman of the standing committee also wrote a letter: "The ABA's rating for judge Kavanaugh is not affected by Mr. Carlson's letter." How much coverage did/is this letter get/getting? Ain't you glad you get your news from trusted sources and not from social media? Poppa loves you.

Have an OK day.
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[P.S. Gentlereaders, for 25¢ a week, no, seriously, for 25¢ a week you can become a Patron of this weekly column and help to prevent an old crank from running the streets at night in search of cheap thrills and ill-gotten gains.

If there are some readers out there that think my shtuff is worth a buck or three a month, color me honored, and grateful. Regardless, if you like it, could you please share it?]


©2018 Mark Mehlmauer   














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