Saturday, January 16, 2016


As you have no doubt noticed, unless you're a new gentlereader, I have a fondness for words that I've either stumbled on, created or distorted, that may not be available in your preferred dictionary, be it in either the electronic or dead trees format. I've defined most of them before, sometimes at length, usually briefly. Here, for your edification, and for new readers, is a list, with definitions and commentary.

Gentlereader(s): Gentle reader is an archaic literary convention used by authors in the past when they wished to address a reader directly. Having fallen out of favor, I've highjacked it and turned it into one word. When I write I always imagine that one of my gentlereaders is peering over my left shoulder to remind myself to write for real people that live in the real world. My right shoulder is reserved for my muse, Marie-Louise (pronounced Mah-ree'-Loo-eze, and with a French accent if you can do a credible one) who is left handed and prefers to be on that side so that she can scratch my back when I please her. Please stick to your assigned shoulder as Marie-Louise is picky about such things, and though slow to anger, can be a real bitch on occasion.

Bonkercockie: Bonkercockie means the same as BS, at least in my world. If you google it you will discover the inventor attributes other meanings to it as well.

Snifigant: A corruption of significant. The phrase, significant other, seems to be waiting around every corner, and anxious to say hello, not just when I'm reading but also when I'm processing video input as well. I'm not certain, but I think it's a coping mechanism that originated in my subconscious. Also, it just feels and sounds, right.

Tralfamadore: Home planet of the aliens that briefly abducted me; referenced by Kurt Vonnegut in several of his novels. (See Chapter Three,10.31.15 & This is Embarrassing, 1.1.15) Their idea of probing is to conduct friendly interviews facilitated by serving their guests warm, homemade, chewy chocolate brownies swirled with peanut butter and washed down with ice-cold whole milk.

Hooplehead: Uncertain etymology. Used by David Milch, in the best TV show of all time, Deadwood, to mean fool, dope, hick etc.

Sucks Sweaty Socks: Means exactly what you think it means. I've no idea where I got this one but I'm certain I didn't originate the term. Unfortunately, when researching the term for this post I stumbled on the fact that it has sexual fetish connotations, which sucks some of the fun out of it as far as I'm concerned. However, to me, it means the exact same thing as saying that _____ sucks, but it sounds more civilized.

The Gubmint: The federal government of the United States.

the gubmint: State and local government entities in the United States.

Callowyutes: Combination of the word callow, which according to Merriam-Webster is a "young person who does not have much experience and does not know how to behave the way grownups grups behave" and yutes. Yutes is how Vinny pronounces the word youths in "My Cousin Vinny." I claim credit/blame for this one.

Grups: Grownups. Stolen borrowed from "Miri," an episode from the first season of Star Trek starring Kim Darby whom I didn't have an affair with in the 70's.

GFBL: Gut first, brain later. A phrase that neatly sums up, and vastly oversimplifies, a concept promulgated by several scientific disciplines that homo sapiens react instinctively, intuitively, automatically etc. first and rationally (hopefully) later. I claim credit/blame for this one, the acronym or the phrase, not the concept.  I may have to rename or abandon it if it's confused with the enteric nervous system.

Buhwhuddle I know?: I claim credit/blame for this one.

Snowflakes: Individuals whose psyches have been corrupted by being awarded participation/ everyone is a winner/everyone gets a prize trophies that use terms such as microaggression and safe space, and sign petitions calling for the rewriting of the first amendment with a straight face. When I'm king I plan to appoint a blue-ribbon panel whose purpose is to discover if the person that first used the word in this context can be discovered in order to award them the Presidential Medal of Freedom King Cranks Medal of Common Sense.

Strategery: Nope, it's not strategy spelled wrong. Will Ferrell, (playing Bush, in case you've missed it) made the word famous when he used it in a Saturday Night Live sketch that satirized the Bush/Gore presidential debates. It became so popular it was used by people in the Bush administration. I use it for the same reason they did, it's funny.

Bigfeets: A new one that may or may not survive. Purely coincidental in that people debate whether or not bigfeets ever existed and/or if they still do. In my world, it serves two purposes. First, just the sound of it is funny. Second, it's my all-purpose word for, um, interesting individuals that may be more high functioning chimpanzee than homo sapien. Hey, it's just occurred to me that we're all (well, most of us) homos. If you're gay please feel free to use the expression on protest signs or banners at gay pride parades. Suggested wording: We're All Homo (Sapiens)!

Have an OK Day: This is from a post entitled, "When I'm the Kind of America" posted on 9.16.15 that explains why I prefer OK days to nice days.

The Secret of Life: The secret of life, for homo sapiens on the planet Earth anyway, is that so-called real life is just high school with money. This is  my variant, and I don't even know if it's original to me, of an aphorism used by many, in many different ways, and in many different contexts. The blue-ribbon panel mentioned above will also be charged with trying to discover if any one person can be credited with creating this aphorism so they may also be awarded the King Cranks Medal of Common Sense. All decisions of your friendly neighborhood benevolent tyrant are final.

Please Note: This post was written by me, Mark Mehlmauer. Until recently, I've used various assumed names -- ever since Mullah Omar issued a fatwa sentencing me to death because of...well, it's complicated. Anyway, I thought I was off the hook when his death was confirmed last July, so I felt free to start this blog. Nobody's more aware of the Taliban's poor sense of humor than me because ...well, that's also complicated, so I should have resisted using Omar as part of my pen name as a sort of inside joke. Long story short, negotiations have been successfully completed, the fatwa has been lifted, and having only limited use of one of my legs ain't the big deal I thought it would be.

Have an OK day.                                                                                  

©Mark Mehlmauer 2015

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