Friday, May 26, 2023

Saints With Blue Collars


Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"If you are not paying for it, you're not the customer; you're the product being sold." -Andrew Lewis


Dear Stickies and Gentlereaders,

I'd like to say thank you to the literally tens of millions of men and women of the "working class" that labored long and hard to build and maintain the incredible country I grew up in while taking it, and them, for granted.

While I'm at it, I'd like to thank the working-class men and women who continue to do so. I'd especially like to thank the literally millions of folks in the "service industries" who pick up the garbage, cook the food, man person the cash registers, clean the... well, everything, etc., etc., etc.

Prior to retirement, I myself was an overworked, underpaid wage slave often as not. But once in a while I moved up the ladder and became an overworked, underpaid low-level boss who got paid the same salary regardless of how many hours I had to put in.  

Now retired, although my income is frustratingly modest, I'm both a happy and grateful camper. Every morning, when I don't have to leave my warm, comfortable bed and report to a j.o.b, is glorious. But I know (and knew) all sorts of H. sapiens that like their working-class jobs.  

There truly is no accounting for taste. 

I, a member of an ancient, bankrupt, and dissolute family of Austrian aristocrats, who as an infant was won by my "father" in a poker game at the Gem saloon in Deadwood, South Dakota, have inherited an aristocratic nature but not much else. 


When I graduated from high school in 1971 I started working full-time in the grocery store where I had been working part-time. Knowing next to nothing about the real world didn't stop me from being a lefty with vague socialist notions. 

I was a naive, idealistic Boomer who knew it was only a matter of time before my generation would fix everything that was wrong with the world, once we took control, and divvied up the pie into equal slices.   

In 1971 it was possible to get a decent job in any number of industries. A man could support a stay-at-home wife and kids with a 40-hour work week but wives with jobs were becoming the norm, as were "career" women of every sort. 


And then, slowly but steadily, everything changed. Nations that had been decimated by the second world war were now part of a rapidly growing global economy and (understandably) wanted what we had.

America, who had saved the world's butt in World War 2, and then helped get the planet back on its feet, found itself competing with Germany, Japan, and everyone else in a different sort of war.

The use of a pill called "the pill" became widespread and abortion was nationally (if temporarily) legalized. 

A well-meaning Henry the K. invited the Chicoms to the party. Unfortunately, that hasn't worked out quite like we hoped for many of us, and many of them for that matter. 

Employers had access to more potential employees here and a lot of jobs were sent over there, never to return. No biggie, we were assured. The "creative destruction" of capitalism would eventually generate new and better jobs. 

It had always worked fairly well before, and as I grew up while moving to the right, I — a formerly staunch, wild-eyed free marketeer and libertarian, nowadays beset by some doubts — believed it. 


But then the naive, idealistic Boomer tech nerds of the garages of Silicon Valley ("information wants to be free") devolved into high-tech Lords that make the robber barons look like rank amateurs.

"Here's some 'free' software. Go play, have fun, we'll keep score (slice, dice, and sell your data). Sorry about the Great Recession, sorry your job has been 'disrupted'. Let's all pay a special tax and then divvy up the proceeds among the masses, a Universal Basic Income if you will.

Circuses and Bread!

We feel your pain, we're woke after all, but we're citizens of the world now and must think globally. We're so over borders and patriotism and tradition. And why sweat the God question when soon we'll all live forever?  

Universal basic income, robots, and artificial intelligence... What could possibly go wrong? The future's so bright we're all gonna need shades. Hey, check out our AI software, It's free!" 

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day


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Friday, May 19, 2023

In the Event of My Death

 Cheat Sheet No.1

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die." -Unknown 


Dear Stickies and Gentlereaders,

I'll be turning 70 this year. As I've mentioned in previous letters/columns if I were to wake up dead on any given day, although an international tragedy, it wouldn't be shocking or unusual. 

After all, H. sapiens of all ages die every day, all H. sapiens die eventually, and according to World.Data.info "A male child born in the United States today will live to be 74.5 years old on average." If you haven't been paying attention, this statistic has been trending in the wrong direction.

{Yeah but you were born many thousands of days ago, lighten up. I'll bet you're not scheduled to meet the Grim Reaper for a while yet.}

He/she/they self-identifies as the Happy Recycler nowadays, it's a rebranding thing. 

For some mysterious reason, I've yet to become the wildly successful, beloved, well-known columnist that I obviously should be by now so it's also occurred to me that it also wouldn't be particularly shocking or unusual to wake up one day and discover that I'm 80 years old, still writing columns, and still waiting for fame and fortune to find me. 

And still telling myself that starting (later) today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or next ______ that I'm going to _______. That's human nature, mine anyway, although I strongly suspect I'm not the only one. 

So I plan to crank out a series of "cheat sheets" before my deletion.

(While I'm thinking of it, for the record, I've no idea if virtue, prayer, daily affirmations, positive thinking, etc. actually make any difference. But to be absolutely clear, all I ask for is good health and plenty of money. I'll take care of the rest.)


Anyways... given that I'm mortal, and given that I have no desire to be immortal via any sort of technology currently under development by those who think that living forever wouldn't be a profound bore... 

{What about some sort of spiritual immortality after your body is deleted?} 

Since I have no way of knowing with any certainty what's next I don't dwell on it. Perpetual bliss also sounds boring; being sentenced to perpetual torment by a loving (or even vindictive) God for my, or the average Joe, Joan, or J. Bagadonuts' mediocre sins, seems highly unlikely.

{What about reincarnation?} 

Boring. 

{So what do you think happens, and for that matter, what's life on Earth about for H. sapiens?}

I don't know what will happen. Big picture-wise I suspect not much, that there's only one whatever it is, that's what we call "God," and God's having a very vivid dream, us. In my semi-humble opinion, that's what life on Earth and the whole universe is (universes are?) about.

{Would you care to elaborate?}

No. 

A gentleperson must decide on such things for themselves. However, decide, or decide to not decide, the important thing is to leave each other alone about such things as much as possible. A semi-wise person of my acquaintance once said:

"I want the playground to have minimum rules and maximum fun. I want just enough rules to give everyone an equal shot at some swing time and neutralize the bullies." -me

{You can't...}

I can and I did. Cheat Sheets are a sort of distillation of all the stuff I would like to mention, or reiterate, to the Stickies and my daughter and son-in-law in the event of my sudden demise. Hopefully, this will provide some life guidance and provide comfort for their devastated hearts (and for the lack of cash left on the table).


This then is my introductory Cheat Sheet. Since the purpose of my Cheat Sheets is to make sure I say all the things I'd like to say while I'm still here to say them, and since this missive hasn't used up its word quota:

You've likely heard that there's no such thing as a free lunch. While this is mostly true, like most rules, there's an exception that a discerning individual should be aware of.

Sometimes, someone that loves you, or perhaps even an occasional stranger with a kind disposition, will provide a free lunch. The "price" is the pleasure your benefactor experiences and as you hopefully are aware, this sort of thing can supply a really good buzz.

Buy somebody's lunch occasionally... BUT, be circumspect. As you may have also heard, there's a sucker born every minute.

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day


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Comments? I post links to my columns on Facebook and Twitter where you can go to love me, hate me, or try to have me canceled.  

Friday, May 12, 2023

Dear Uncle Joe & the Donald

An open letter.

Image by Marc Hatot from Pixabay 

This is a weekly column consisting of letters to my perspicacious progeny. I write letters to my grandkids — the Stickies — eventual selves to advise them and haunt them after they've become grups and/or I'm deleted.  

Trigger Warning: This column is rated SSC — Sexy Seasoned Citizens — Perusal by kids, callowyutes, or grups may result in a debilitating meltdown.  

Glossary 

Featuring Dana: Hallucination, guest star, and charming literary device  

"Politics is the attempt to achieve power and prestige without merit." 
                                                                                              -P.J. O'Rourke

Dear Uncle Joe & the Donald,

Gentlemen, many of your fellow Americans believe that one of you clearly suffers from age-related cognitive decline and that the other is a megalomaniac. 

Never having met either of you, and since the closest I've come to medical training is driving by a highway exit sign for the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, far be it from me to judge.

However, I do know that the Donald (6/14/46) is barely young enough to be a Boomer and that Uncle Joe (11/20/42) is too old to be one.  

I also know that regardless of the state of your physical and/or mental health, biologically speaking, like me, you're old. More importantly, you've both led unusually full lives compared to the average American H. sapien. It's time to get off the stage and give the kids a chance to show us what they can do.

You've both become the face of powerful, polarized factions within your respective parties and are both exploited by the purple press and armies of tireless algorithmites on duty in the social media platforms, both of whom serve the Outrage Industrial Complex.  

Too many Citizens of the Republic have forgotten, or perhaps have never learned, that for a democratic republic to thrive and survive, constant compromise combined with a willingness to live and let live is required. 

For the sake of the Republic, if I were the benevolent, primarily ceremonial monarch that I should be, I would order that you two...

{Ahem.}  

For the sake of the Republic, the two of you should announce, together, that you've both decided that neither of you is running for president in '24, that given the current state of overheated political polarization, you've decided to step aside. 

That you hope this will set an example for both major parties to offer the nation younger nominees who publicly commit to seeking a compromise on the issues that divide us. 

That it's time, across the board, for Boomer pols to get off the stage, and for Americans of all ages to step out of their comfort zones and readopt the attitude of the country that put a man on the moon in less than a decade when we worked together.

That it's time to reconsider what's happened since: embracing self-centeredness and safetyism while simultaneously culturally shooting ourselves in the foot on a daily basis.

Perhaps you could even suggest all politicians over the age of 70 currently serving at all levels of government from dog catcher to senator not run in '24, and that going forward, this becomes a tradition, and if necessary, a law.

And speaking of mandatory retirement, how about suggesting that the members of the legal deep state, the millions of unelected bureaucrats we're at the mercy of, should also retire by age 70. We could be spared future Anthony Fauccis (82), who until his recent retirement, was better paid than the presidents he worked for. 

{Hey, are you aware that his wife, Christine Grady (71) is the chief of "the Department of Bioethics at the National Institutes of Health Clinical Center?" and is paid $234,284 per year?}

Yeah, I am, Dana. But to be fair I must mention that she and her husband worked for different agencies of the NIH before he retired.


Unfortunately, I suspect that even such a noble and virtuous gesture on your part, although it would likely result in the historians of the future treating both of you gentlepersons more kindly, I'm not holding my breath.  

And even if my fantasy somehow came true, it would be unlikely to make more than a small splash in Lake Zeitgeist given the current state of things. The purple press/social media would both move on as soon as the partner of the love child of a cousin of someone famous for being famous (and who once dated Madonna) died from an overdose of _______.

Perhaps the politicians and "influencers" who are members of the three generations born since the Boomers arrived could form the Neodemocratic and Neorepublican parties and take out the donkey and the elephant in the room with a tranquilizer dart.

I'd suggest they begin repairing the Republic by first freezing the national credit card and ending inflation by living within the nation's means so they don't spend their whole lives paying off their forefather's foreperson's bills. 

Poppa loves you,
Have an OK day


Scroll down to share my work or access oldies. Buy an old crank a coffee? Join Cranky's Coffee Club to read Cranky's History of the World.    

Comments? I post links to my columns on Facebook and Twitter where you can go to love me, hate me, or try to have me canceled.